It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
“Death (A Play)”, Without Feathers (1975)
Quotations by:
Allen, Woody
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
“My Speech to Graduates,” Side Effects (1981)
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
“On Seeing a Tree in Summer”
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
“Selections from the Allen Notebooks,” New Yorker (5 Nov 1973)
Reprinted in Without Feathers (1976).
Love is the answer; but while you re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
(Attributed)
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
(Attributed)
Sex is like the game of bridge: if you don’t have a good partner, you need a good hand.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
(Attributed)
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
(Attributed)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Annie Hall (1977)
Script with Marshall Brickman.
The three most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you.” They are: “It is benign.”
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Deconstructing Harry (1998)
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Getting Even (1978)
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Interiors (1978)
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Interiors (1978)
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
New York Tribune (1975)
(quoted)
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
New Yorker, “A Look at Organized Crime” (1970)
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Side Effects (1989)
New Yorker Essays, 1970s
To YOU I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Stardust Memories (1980)
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
What’s up, Tiger Lily? (1966)
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Without Feathers (1975)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Without Feathers (1976)
The Early Essays
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
Comment
Originally attributed to Allen by collaborator Marshall Brickman in Susan Brady, "He's Woody Allen's Not-So-Silent Partner," New York Times (21 Aug 1977) as "Showing up is 80 percent of life." On inquiry, Allen confirmed that he'd said the quotation above in a letter to William Safire (1989). More information here.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
Woody Allen (b. 1935) American comedian, writer, director [b. Allan Steward Konigsberg]
On the KKK Skokie march