WIST

I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: “Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,” or “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar”

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Kids Today: They Don’t Know Dum Diddly Do”

Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don’t mind living in pools of warm slime.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Sex and the Single Amoeba”

Puns are little ‘plays on words’ that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Why Humor is Funny”

I demand to know how much longer the so-called “authorities” intend to continue ignoring the international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms.
At this point you’re thinking: “WHAT international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms?” Unless, of course, you’re a man, in which case you’re thinking only: “Bosoms!” The male brain has an entire lobe devoted to this topic.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(29 Apr. 2001)

An entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Pornography is like tooth decay, eating slowly away at the molars of our morals, and if it is not stopped we will wind up as a toothless nation, gumming at the raw meat of international competition while the drool of decadence dribbles down our collective chin and messes up the clean tablecloth of our children’s futures.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Williamsburg is an authentic colonial restored place in Virginia where people in authentic uncomfortable clothing demonstrate how horrible it was to live in historical colonial times.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

We don’t know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when we get there we will not have enough RAM.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Gradually, without noticing it, you turn into a Republican and judge everything on the basis of whether or not it will increase your taxes.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)

Nothing is ever really buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Claw Your Way to the Top (1986)

The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today’s complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you’re a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry in Cyberspace (1996)

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990)

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry’s Bad Habits (1993)

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1996)