WIST

1st Moral – Advice is good only as corroborating testimony.
2nd Moral – If you put yourself into the hands of your friends, you must expect that the kindness of their hearts is no protection against the willfulness of their judgments.
3rd Moral – Advice is like a doctor’s pills: it is often advisable to receive them without taking them.
4th Moral – One man can always milk a cow better than four can.

[1st Moral - Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony.
2nd Moral - If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the willfullness ov their judgments.
3rd Moral - Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew receive them without taking them.
4th Moral - One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
“Josh Billings: Hiz Shade Tree,” Josh Billings on Ice and Other Things (1868)

Faith was given to man to lengthen out his reason.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

Consider the postage stamp: Its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

The best cure for rheumatism is to thank the Lord it ain’t the gout.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

Every man has his follies — and often they are the most interesting thing he had got.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

What the moral army needs just now is more rank and file and fewer brigadier generals.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

Building air castles is a harmless business as long as you don’t attempt to live in them.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
(Attributed)
Attributed in H. Percy Smith, A Dictionary of Terms, Phrases, and Quotations (1895).

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.

[The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sometime lay own in this world together for a few minutes, but when the lion comes to get up, the lamb will be missing.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Affurisms: Slips of the Pen The Complete Works of Josh Billings (1876)
Full text.

It iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.

[It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
John Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Sollum Thoughts” (1874)

The trouble with people is not that they don’t know but that they know so much that ain’t so.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia (1874)

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.

[Forgiving our enemies has the same refreshing effect upon our souls as it does to confess our sins.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Gnats” (1874)

The best way I kno ov tew repent of enny thing is tew do better next time.

[The best way I know of to repent of anything is to do better next time.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Hooks & Eyes” (1874)

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.

[To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength of character.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Hot Korn” (1874)

“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.

["Experience is a good schoolmaster," but reason is a better one.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Ink Brats” (1874)

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they hain’t got, and overlook those they hav.

[In repenting of sins, men are apt to repent of those they haven't got, and overlook those they have.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Ink Lings” (1874)

Repentanse should be the effekt ov love — not fear.

[Repentance should be the effect of love -- not fear.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Ink Lings” (1874)

It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.

[It is an actual fact that most of us work harder, to seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Josh Settles Up with His Correspondents Summarily” (1874)

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.

[The man who never makes any blunders seldom makes any good hits.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Kindling Wood” (1874)

Laff every good chance ya kan git, but don’t laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hoollow than a hartless one.

[Laugh every good chance you can get, but don't laugh unless you feel like it, for there ain't nothing in this world more hearty than a good, honest laugh, nor nothing more hollow than a heartless one.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Laffing” (1874)

Before yu undertaik tew change a man’s politiks or religion, be sure yu have got a beter one to offer him.

[Before you undertake to change a man's politics or religion, be sure you have got a better one to offer him.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Nosegays” (1874)

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

[As in a game of cards, so in the game of life, we must play what is dealt to us, and the glory consists, not so much in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Ods and Ens” (1874)
Full text.

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy.

[We are happy in this world just in proportion as we make others happy.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Parboils” (1874)

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.

[Human happiness consists in having what you want, and wanting what you have.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Plum Pits” (1874)

Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to laziness.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Plum Pits” (1874)

It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze there iz so much phun in making up.

[It ain't because lovers are so sensitive that they quarrel so often, it is because there is so much fun in making up.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Plum Pits” (1874)

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.

[I never knew a man troubled with melancholy, who had plenty to do, and did it.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Puddin and Milk” (1874)

Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.

[Every man has a perfect right to his opinion, provided it agrees with ours.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Ramrods” (1874)

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.

[Conversation should be enlivened with wit, not composed of it.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia, “Sollum Thoughts” (1874)

Politeness haz won more viktorys than logick ever haz.

[Politeness has won more victories than logic ever has.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

Flattery iz like Kolone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.

[Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Sayings (1865)

Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go — travel that wa yourself.

[To bring up a child in the way he should go -- travel that way yourself.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Sayings, 78 (1865)

I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.

[I don't know as I want to bet any money, and give odds, on the man, who is always anxious to pray out loud, every chance he can get.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.

[Dangers are some like a cold bath ....]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.

["Familiarity breeds contempt." This only applies to men, not to hot buckwheat slapcakes, well buttered and sugared.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.

[I don't believe in fighting; I am solemnly against it; but if a man gets to fighting, I am also solemnly against his getting licked. After a fight is once opened, all the virtue there is in it is to lick the other party.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.

[It is a darned sight easier to find six men who can tell exactly how a thing ought to be done than to find one who will do it.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.

[If we give up our minds to little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could catch more flies with one swoop of his hand than anybody else could, and he wasn't good at anything else.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.

[If we would all of us take care of our own souls, and let our neighbors alone, there would be less time lost and more souls saved.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz money — a mere pimp tew hiz welth.

[If there is any human being that I thoroughly loathe, it is the one who has nothing to boast of but his money -- a mere pimp to his wealth.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man’s knose whom you meet.

[Pedantry is the science of investing what little you know in one kind of perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man's nose whom you meet.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and cheap mistake tew make.

[Politeness is often wasted, but it is a good and cheap mistake to make.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.

[About one half the pity in this world is not the result of sorrow, but satisfaction that it ain't our hoss that has his leg broke.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.

[I wouldn't undertake to correct a man's sectarian views any quicker than I would tell him which road to take at a four corners, when I didn't know myself which was the right one.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Truth dont require the aid ov elegant and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a wooden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.

[Truth don't require the aid of elegant and high-stepping words, to express its force, or beauty; it is like water, tastes better out of a wooden bucket, than it does out of a golden goblet.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country.

[Too much religion is worse than none at all. You can't show me a country that has existed yet, where the people, all of them, professed one religion and persecuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew have enny pitty to spare, — if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year.

[Poor human nature is too full of its own grievances to have any pity to spare, -- if you show a man a big boil on your arm, he will tell you he had one twice as big as that, on the same spot, last year.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and halff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.

[Give everyone you meet, my boy, the time of day and half the road, and if that don't make him civil don't waste any more fragrance on the cuss.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

[I don't never have any trouble in regulating my own conduct, but to keep other folks straight is what bothers me.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

I hope i shall never hav so much reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.

[I hope I shall never have so much reputation that I shan't feel obliged to be always civil.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy — i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.

[We are happy in this world just in proportion as we make others happy -- I stand ready to bet 50 dollars on this saying.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billings: His Works, Complete (1873)

Education is a good thing generally, but most folks educate their prejudices.

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]
Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia (1874)