WIST

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
(Attributed)

Anyone who goes faster than me is an idiot. Anyone who goes slower than me is a moron. “Look at that idiot! Get outta my way, you moron! Look at that idiot!”

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
(Attributed)

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
(Attributed)

Just think how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are even stupider!

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
(Attributed)

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1997)

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)

Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, He will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, ’til the end of time!  But He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

George Carlin (b. 1937) American comedian
Remarks, Politically Incorrect, (29 May 1997)