There are those who have thought that Winslow was the ideal form for life itself. Advanced civilizations who hold this theory, while interesting for a while, tend not to last very long. A very few civilizations have decided that Winslow is merely the ideal form for small fuzzy green aligators and never quite understood what all the fuss was about. They are usually exterminated in holy wars by their neighbors.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
“Winslow” (1982)
Quotations by:
Foglio, Phil
I believe that the First Amendment should cover everything. Even the incredibly icky, distasteful stuff. Because if we let “them” start making ethical judgments, they might not stop until it’s nothing but Norman Rockwell and Hummel figurines.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
(Attributed)
confirmed in private e-mail, 6-Sep-03
Tiny Monster Island is one of the more boring Mechanicsburg landmarks. Unless, of course, one is foolish — or unfortunate — enough to leave the path. Then it becomes very exciting indeed.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014)
(Source)
Those unfortunate enough to be dragged before one of the old Heterodynes were usually subjected to a version of what we today would call “Good Cop, Bad Cop.” However, considering the personalities involved, a more correct label would be “Bad Cop, Insanely Evil Cop.” This was never a fun experience, especially when both sides were played by different personalities manifesting within the same body — and neither of them were actually playing.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Like almost everything else, sex education in Mechanicsburg has its own … unique take. As a result, Mechanicsburg girls tend to be rather forward, know what they want, and have no qualms about asking for it, especially when they are wearing their weasel pajamas.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Unless one is raised in the minion mindset, it is difficult to understand the allure of the lifestyle. Outside observers merely see put-upon underlings who live and work in insanely dangerous positions, whose lives are ruled by dictatorial psychopaths who have little regard for their lives or sanity. Acclimatized minions realize that everyone on Earth lives under these strictures, they just don’t fool themselves. With clarity comes freedom.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Sparks are a secretive lot, and they keep their blasphemous secrets held close to their vests. On average, a good Spark will invest anywhere from one-half to two-thirds of his or her time and energy on the design and hiding of an elaborate lair, as they seem to have an instinctual understanding that people work best in an environment where the controls to all the deathtraps are right at their fingertips. This is a good thing, overall, as time spent digging an elaborate “Maze of Madness” is less time spent trying to find a way to turn the nearest city into a beautiful volcanic moonscape.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Cain Mongfish’s masterpiece, A Reasoned Diatribe Regarding thee Methods and Required Madnesses Towards the Manipulation of ye Stuffe of Life and thee Entertaining Consequences Thereof and How Best to Avoid Them is regarded as the seminal work that gathered and codified all of the then-known processes for reanimating, bending, warping, and subjugating life as we know it. Cain died while researching a sequel, which according to his notes was to be entitled How to Promote and Manipulate thee Natural Fealty and Gratitude That Thine Creation Will Express Towards Thou, Their Creator. For some reason, that never works.
—Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Just how Sparks are able to warp the laws of time and motion (among others) has never been successfully analyzed. People who try to carefully watch them report suffering a sort of cognitive dissonance where they simply cannot remember what happened even though it happened right in front of them. These, as it turns out, are the lucky ones, as most people who get too close to a Spark who is happily building something tend to wake up and realize that they have become components.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle (2014) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
It is true that most madboy devices are built for purely utilitarian purposes: I want to go faster; How can one person stack all of these starfish; I will gain the respect of my peers if I can turn this entire town into ham, and so on. But there are some things that burst forth from their creator’s brain simply because they want to make the world more aesthetically pleasing. So what if it doesn’t help one conquer the world? It looks awesome. It’s Art.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. And the Clockwork Princess (2012) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
I will accept that sometimes a villain has to die, but I’ll be damned if I’ll take free drinks for doing it.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Clockwork Princess [Barry Heterodyne] (2012) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
No, your seriously steeped-in-madness dabbler in the esoteric sciences usually finds themself taxed with a rag-tag collection of hangers-on, typically consisting of minions, constructs, adventurers, and those unique, unclassifiable, individuals whose raison d’être appears to be to remind us of what a strange world it is.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
Everyone had heard about Abominations of Science but, like unicorns, they didn’t actually believe they existed. Thus everyone was rather grateful when the third Madrid Conference of Scientific Inquiry and Philosophical Horrors — Unleashed! released a codified list of things that constituted actual Abominations of Science. Over the years, this useful list has been updated and curated by our own Transylvanian Polygnostic University and has proven of great use to teachers, courts, and record books.
The only downside was that one of the conference members — a Herr Doktor Spanakopita — was so embarrassed that none of his previous efforts met the requirements that he, in a fit of pique, bred a race of unicorns, who went about stabbing people while quoting the parts of the list that covered biological abominations. Before he was stabbed to death, he was graciously acknowledged as a genuine Tamperer in Things Man Was Not Meant to Know and his oft-desecrated gravestone lists his accomplishments in full.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
A secret lab is considered by many to be the physical manifestation of a spark’s mind. Thus they tend to be rather individualistic. Some are spotlessly clean; some are filled with dangerous trash. Some are ruthlessly efficient; some are filled with suicidal deathtraps. Needless to say, sparks are usually vocally dismissive of the labs of others, while surreptitiously making notes about things they’d wished they’d thought of themselves.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
Tarvek thought about lying, but the first rule of lying was in knowing when you had a shot at getting away with it.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Agatha looked up. “I guess. I just wonder how many other girls have to worry about whether or not it’s smart to really trust their … you know, the guys they –”
Lady Vitriox crossed her arms. “All of them,” she said flatly.
“But mine has an army!”
The old woman shook her head. “They all do, my Lady. It consists of other men.”
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Herr Docktor Getwin Mittelmind (PhD, MD, BFA, University of Salzburg) was a spark who specialized in mad psychology. A specialized field to be sure. He was not locked away in Castle Heterodyne because he built giant anteaters. No, he was locked away in Castle Heterodyne because he could take a perfectly ordinary group of people and within six days they would build a giant anteater — because it was the logical thing to do.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
The encyclopedia is the only place in the world where World Domination comes before Work!
— The last words of Joaquin the Illiterate, just before he hit that big red button labeled Do Not Touch
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020), ch. 3, Epigraph [with Kaja Foglio]
(Source)
Heroes come in many forms. Some are more frightening than others.
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Bill & Barry – The Heterodyne Boys! (1987)
AGATHA: I hardly know him!
CASTLE: What’s to know? His family is powerful, his spark burns strong, he’s already taken with you —
AGATHA: But —
CASTLE: — and you cannot deny that he has a magnificent Death Ray.
AGATHA: … that’s … that’s hardly a basis for stable relationship.Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Girl Genius, “Back in the Castle” [with Kaja Foglio] (29 Aug 2008)
Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Girl Genius, “Cinderella” [Agatha] (5 Dec 2008)
FERRETINA, THE WEASEL QUEEN: You know, you’re not like the local villagers.
OTHAR TRYGGVASSEN: Really? Are they all hideous mutants or something?
FERRETINA: What? No!
OTHAR: Sorry. In my line of work it pays to ask.Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Girl Genius, “Revenge of the Weasel Queen” (21 Jan 2008)
Original comic.
MINSK: Dis iz turnink into vun of dose plans … the kind vere ve kill everybody dot notices dot ve’s killin’ people?
GORB: It is?
MINSK: Uh huh. And how do dose alvays end?
GORB: De dirigible iz in flames, everyboddyz dead an’ I’ve lost my hat.
MINSK: Dot’s right. Und any plan vere you lose you hat iz?
GORB: A bad plan?
MINSK: Right again!Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Girl Genius, #6 (May-Jun. 2002)
As Master Bludtharst once put it: “Kill a man today, and all you get are spare parts — but conquer his village, and you get spare parts plus people who can cook your breakfast tomorrow!”
AGATHA: … But after that, I’d better see some cake.
TARVEK: You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.
AGATHA: If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong!
Phil Foglio (b. 1956) American writer, cartoonist
Girl Genius, Vol. 13, p. 38, “The Heterodyne Requires Cake” (10 Apr 2013)
(Source)
In Agatha H. and the Siege of Mechanicsburg (2020) [with Kaja Foglio], this is rendered:
“But after that, I’d better see some cake.”
Tarvek glanced at her. “You know, there’s more to being an evil despot than getting cake whenever you want it.”
Agatha thought about this and was filled with a sudden conviction, one that would stand the test of time through everything else that happened to her through the years. “If that’s what you think, then you’re doing it wrong.”
