In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Other Authors and Sources
“Finagle’s Third Law”
In Arthur Bloch, Murphy's Law: And Other Reasons Why Things Go gnorW, "Murphology" (1979)
Archive
Quotes/entries for ‘~Other’
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
Other Authors and Sources
“Hiram’s Law”
In Arthur Bloch, comp., Murphy's Law: Book Three, "Expertsmanship" (1962)
It is easier to behave your way into a new way of thinking than to think your way into a new way of behaving.
Other Authors and Sources
“Kegley’s Principle of Change”
In J. Peers (ed.) 1,001 Logical Laws (1979)
If anything can go wrong, it will.
Other Authors and Sources
“Murphy’s Law” (1949)
Direct variants:
- "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."
- "Everything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong."
The history behind Murphy's Law -- and its very similar antecedents -- is long and disputed, unsurprising given its simple sentiments. It is most often attributed (via the name) to Capt. Edward Murphy, a development engineer working on rapid deceleration g-force tests, and first named as such by Dr. John Stapp, a US Air Force colonel and Flight Surgeon overseeing the project. See Wikipedia for a summary, and AIR for more information.
We’re beggars and blighters and ne’er-do-well cads,
Other Authors and Sources
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Aye! But we’re loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate’s life for me!
“Pirates of the Caribbean”
Sometimes it is too late to win. But it’s never too late to lose.
Other Authors and Sources
“Warson’s Truth” (Tom Warson)
My friends, each of you is a single cell in the great body of the State. And today, that great body has purged itself of parasites. We have triumphed over the unprincipled dissemination of facts. The thugs and wreckers have been cast out. And the poisonous weeds of disinformation have been consigned to the dustbin of history. Let each and every cell rejoice! For today we celebrate the first, glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directive! We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on Earth! We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will bury them with their own confusion! We shall prevail!
Other Authors and Sources
1984 (Apple “Big Brother” commercial, by copy writer Steve Hayden (1983)
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Other Authors and Sources
A Bit of Frye and Laurie
Greensleeves was all my joy,
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Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but Lady Greensleeves?
A Handful of Pleasant Delites, “A New Courtly Sonnet of the Lady Greensleeves, to the new tune of ‘Greensleeves’” (1584)
Consequences, schmonsequences! So long as I’m rich!
Other Authors and Sources
Ali Baba Bunny, Chuck Jones (Daffy Duck) (1957)
If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
Other Authors and Sources
Amphibious Warfare Review (Spring 1989)
WESLEY: I’m a rogue demon hunter now.
Other Authors and Sources
CORDELIA: What’s a rogue demon?
Angel
The story is told of Picasso that a stranger in a railway carriage accosted him with the challenge, “Why don’t you paint things as they really are.” Picasso demurred, saying that he did not quite understand what the gentleman meant, and the stranger then produced from his wallet a photograph of his wife. “I mean,” he said, “like that. That’s how she is.” Picasso coughed hesitantly and said, “She is rather small, isn’t she. And somewhat flat?”
Other Authors and Sources
Angels Fear, by Gregory and Mary Catherine Bateson
Early to rise, early to bed,
Other Authors and Sources
Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Animaniacs, The Warner Bros.
BARBARELLA: A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
Other Authors and Sources
Barbarella (1968)
Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.
Other Authors and Sources
Bhagavad Gita (500? BC)
If the radiance of a thousand suns
Other Authors and Sources
Were to burst at once into the sky
That would be like the splendor of the Mighty One –
I am become Death,
The shatterer of Worlds.
Bhagavad Gita ch. 11, sec. 12, 32 (500? BC)
Above cited as translation recalled by J. Robert Openheimer during first A-bomb test (16 May 1945) (Current Biography Yearbook, 1964) Swami Nikhilananda (1944) translated as: "If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst forth at once in the sky, that would be like the splendour of the Mighty One. I am mighty, world-destroying Time …"
For certain is death for the born,
Other Authors and Sources
And certain is birth for the dead;
Therefore over the inevitable
Thou shouldst not grieve.
Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2, Sec. 27 (500? BC)
ZOE BALL (host): So tell us what this is exactly …
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GUEST: It’s a matchstick model of Cardiff Arms Park.
ZOE BALL: Wow! That’s amazing. What’s it made out of?
GUEST: Er … matchsticks.
Big Breakfast morning show (UK)
Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
Other Authors and Sources
Black Adder II
We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those things we ought not to have done.
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Book of Common Prayer, “Morning Prayer (General Confession)” (1662)
Prayer is responding to God, by thought and by deeds, with or without words.
Other Authors and Sources
Book of Common Prayer, (Episcopal) Catechism – “What is prayer?” (1979)
Deliver us from the presumption of coming to this Table for solace only, and not for strength; for pardon only, and not for renewal.
Other Authors and Sources
Book of Common Prayer, p. 327, Eucharistic Prayer C (1979)
ANYA: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Pangs” (19 Oct 1999)
On Thanksgiving. Episode by Jane Espenson. Text/clip.
WILLOW: So, how did it go?
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XANDER: On a scale from one to ten? It sucked.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GILES: It’s me, it’s me!
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CORDELIA: How do we know it’s really you and not Zombie Giles?
GILES: Oh, Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
CORDELIA: That’s him.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
BUFFY: Yeah, but I thought I saw something … I don’t know, I was really out of it, but —
Other Authors and Sources
CORDELIA: But you do know that you saw Death.
WILLOW: Did it have an hourglass?
BUFFY: Ooh —
XANDER: If he asks you to play chess, don’t even do it. The guy’s like a whiz.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
MAYOR: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. “Miniature.” “Golf.”
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
CORDELIA: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
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XANDER: I’m 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
BUFFY: Vampires are creeps.
Other Authors and Sources
GILES: Yes. That’s why one slays them.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
BUFFY: So, Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?
Other Authors and Sources
GILES: How about the end of the world?
BUFFY: Knew I could count on you.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
FAITH: When I’m fighting, it’s like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I’m gonna win, and they’re gonna lose. I like that feeling.
Other Authors and Sources
BUFFY: Well sure, beats that “dead” feeling you get when they win and you lose.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
BUFFY: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died?
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WILLOW: Every nightmare I have that doesn’t revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
SPIKE: Where have you been pet?
Other Authors and Sources
DRUSILLA: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn’t like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
WILLOW: Ass-kicking always makes a good Plan B.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
XANDER: You’re considered somewhat cool.
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OZ: I am?
XANDER: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-committal sentences?
OZ: Could be.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
BUFFY: I’m gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
STUDENT: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
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BUFFY: You know I meant to, and then I just got really busy…
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
MAYOR: There’s more than one way to skin a cat. And I happen to know that’s factually true.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
MAYOR: Be careful not put someone’s eye out with that thing … until I tell you to.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
GILES: I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
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XANDER: I resent that! Or possibly, thank you.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
XANDER: You up for a little reconnaissance?
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BUFFY: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
XANDER: No, that was the Renaissance.
BUFFY: Oh. I’ve had a really long week.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
ANYA: Look, I know you find me attractive; I’ve seen you looking at my breasts.
Other Authors and Sources
XANDER: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
WILLOW: Well, we try not to get killed. That’s part of our whole mission statement: ‘Don’t get killed.’
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Anne”
SMART GUY 1: The thing that the modern-day pundits fail to realize is that all the socioeconomic and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer.
Other Authors and Sources
BUFFY: My mother always said beer is evil.
SMART GUY 1: Evil, good — these are moral absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Beer Bad”
XANDER: And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?
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BUFFY: Foamy!
XANDER: Good. Just as long as that’s clear.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Beer Bad”
XANDER: Who’s the little fear demon? Come on, who’s the little fear demon?
Other Authors and Sources
GILES: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No. It’s just … tacky.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fear, Itself”
MAYOR: My god, what a feeling. The power of these creatures. It suffuses my being. I can feel the changes begin. My organs are shifting, merging, making ready for the Ascension. Plus these babies are high in fiber, and what’s the fun of becoming an immortal demon if you’re not regular, am I right?
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Graduation, Part 1″
GILES: I have a friend who’s coming to town, and I’d like us to be alone.
Other Authors and Sources
ANYA: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
GILES: Yes, that’s exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Hush”
SPIKE: She wouldn’t even kill me. She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head, or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Lover’s Walk”
MAYOR: I swear, I would sell my soul for a decent short game. Of course, it’s a little late for that. I don’t suppose I could offer your soul, huh? Really help me on the green.
Other Authors and Sources
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Lover’s Walk”
WILLOW: Doesn’t it make you wonder what else is there, right under our feet?
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BUFFY: Mostly, I’ve just found sewers full of demons.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Pangs”
ANYA: You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
Other Authors and Sources
XANDER: Then why are you talking to me?
ANYA: I don’t have a date for the prom.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “The Prom”
WILLOW: She’s like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, “Ooh, check me out. I’m wicked cool. I’m five-by-five.”
Other Authors and Sources
TARA: Five-by-five? Five what by five what?
WILLOW: See, that’s the thing. No one knows.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “This Year’s Girl”
Risk more than others think is safe.
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Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
Cadet Maxim, West Point Military Academy
#3537. Superfluity does not vitiate.
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California Civil Code, “Maxims of
#1597. Everything is deemed possible except that which is impossible in the nature of things.
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California Civil Code, “Object of a Contract”
MR. MATSUNAGA: Mr. President.
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MR. ROBERT C. BYRD: I see my good and dear and true friend from Hawaii, a man who wears a perpetual smile –
MR. JESSE HELMS: And who is also generous.
MR. ROBERT C. BYRD: Not only generous, but also a gentleman. A man who is clean on the inside, a man who is clean on the outside, a man who neither looks up to the rich nor down on the poor, a man whose compassionate heart goes out to the young, the old, the maimed; a man who is too honest to cheat and too honorable to lie: that man is a gentleman. I speak of none other than my friend from Hawaii.
MR. JESSE HELMS: Mr. President, I say if that does not gain for the majority leader a case of fine pineapple, nothing will.
Congressional Record (9 Feb 1979)
We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
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Constitution of the United States, preamble (17 Sep 1787)
“Edgy” and “icky” are so hard to tell apart these days.
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Daria
Liberty is the capacity to do anything that does no harm to others.
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Declaration of the Rights of Man and the Citizen, France, Article IV (26 Aug. 1789)
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone.
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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.
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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
THE DOCTOR: I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.
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Doctor Who
THE BRIGADIER: Naturally enough, the only country that could be trusted with such a role was Great Britain.
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THE DOCTOR: Naturally. I mean, the rest were all foreigners.
Doctor Who
JAMIE: Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?
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THE DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie, I believe I have.
JAMIE: What are you going to do?
THE DOCTOR: Bung a rock at it.
Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: Logic, my dear Zoë, merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
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Doctor Who
THE BRIGADIER: You know, just once I’d like to meet an alien menace that wasn’t immune to bullets.
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Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
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Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.
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Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it?
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Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don’t alter their views to the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views.
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Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: To the rational mind, nothing is inexplicable; only unexplained.
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Doctor Who (1963)
THE DOCTOR: Would you like a jelly baby?
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LEELA: It’s true then! They say the Evil One eats babies.
THE DOCTOR: You mustn’t believe all they say.
Doctor Who, “The Face of Evil”
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250
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Harper’s Index (October 1989)
The time and effort required to complete a project are always more than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
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Hofstadtler’s Law
At the third cup, wine drinks the man.
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[Literally, "Man drinks wine. Wine drinks wine. Wine drinks man."]
Hokekyō Sho, a Buddhist Sanskrit text (c. 12th Century)
Kojikotowaza Jiten [Dictionary of Traditions and Proverbs]. See also this Spanish proverb.
Perseverance alone does not assure success. No amount of stalking will lead to game in a field that has none.
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I Ching
Moving is a lot like drinking too much. I have all these bruises I can’t explain, and I don’t know where any of my sh*t is.
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JillMatrix.com (29 Aug. 2002)
Just as too much charity is the handiwork of a fool, so too much patience is the hallmark of a coward.
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Kabala (1200? BC – AD 700?)
SEÑOR SENIOR, SR.: World-class villains are defined by disproportionate revenge!
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Kim Possible, “Animal Attraction,” (10 Jan 2003) [w. Robin Riordan, Gary Sperling]
RIVERA: You know, McCoy, you wanna put the bad guys behind bars you have to get your hands dirty.
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McCOY: The problem is, detective, sometimes it doesn’t stop at the hands.
Law & Order
Recently, when the standoff in Waco, Tex., turned ugly and the cult members set fire to their compound, “Guiding Light”, which had been on for about 15 minutes, was interrupted by a news break, which took up the rest of the hour. Couldn’t the networks have waited until 3 p.m. to tell the world about this terrible happening? I was very annoyed by this interruption.
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Los Angeles Times “TV Times”, Letter from L. Wengard, Northridge, CA (22 May 1993)
SPENCER: I suppose you can make an explosive out of chewing gum?
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MACGYVER: Why? Got some?”
MacGyver (1985)
“Well,” Brahma said, “even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred.”
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Mahabharata
If I am inclined to doubt, steady my faith.
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If I am tempted, make me strong to resist.
If I should miss the mark, give me courage to try again.
Marine Corps Prayer
http://www.uspharmd.com/usmc/marineprayer.html
MARY: I’m an experienced woman. I’ve been around. Well, all right, I might not’ve been around, but I’ve been … nearby.
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Mary Tyler Moore Show
There are no experimental failures — there are only more data.
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Max Headroom
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was one of 10 winners of the 1992 Horatio Alger award, given to Americans who overcome adversity to achieve success. Bond was set for $100,000 and trial scheduled for May 4.
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Minneapolis Star-Tribune, news story
The map of Europe, Northern Africa, and the Arab nations published in Monday’s editions contained the following errors: Libya was labeled as the Ukraine; Bulgaria and Romania were transposed; Bosnia-Herzegovina was identified as Bosnia; Montenegro should have been identified as a separate state bordering Serbia; Cyprus and the West Bank were not labeled; Andorra, a country between France and Spain, was not labeled; the Crimean Peninsula appeared twice on the Black Sea; Kuwait was not identified by name — instead, the initials of the Knight-Ridder News Service were in its place.
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Norfolk (Va.) Virginian-Pilot (correction)
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons.
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Popular Mechanics (1949)
MOJO JOJO: You’ve got to be kidding! I’m wet! I’m naked! Your sister is wearing my clothes! And this is all part of some evil plot to RULE THE WORLD AS A SOGGY CHIMP IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!
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Power Puff Girls
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
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PS, The Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance; p. 9 (Aug 1993)
Every good act is charity. Your smiling in your brother’s face, is charity; an exhortation of your fellow-man to virtuous deeds, is equal to alms-giving; your putting a wanderer in the right road, is charity; your assisting the blind, is charity; your removing stones, and thorns, and other obstructions from the road, is charity; your giving water to the thirsty, is charity.
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Qur’an
A man’s true wealth hereafter, is the good he does in this world to his fellow-man. When he dies, people will say, “What property has he left behind him?” But the angels will ask, “What good deeds has he sent before him?”
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Qur’an
If you disclose your alms, even then it is well done, but if you keep them secret, and give them to the poor, then that is better still for you; and this wipes off from you some of your evil deeds.
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Qur’an
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
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Qur’an
BLUE: So just remember: the Internet can be a very scary place if you’re not prepared.
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RED: How do you recommend they prepare?
BLUE: I dunno. Try going to your local middle school chess club, hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.
Red vs. Blue: “Real Life vs. the Internet” (2005)
http://files.redvsblue.com/NYC2/RvB_NYC2.mov
You are properly exhausted after journey or business work. Worthily divert yourself from boredom and create new sense of perception that makes you completely relaxed & happy, please call on LONGMAN HOTEL where our multifunctional recreations will surely feast your tastes. YOU ARE ADDED WITH FUN …
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Relaxation & happiness, a new sense perception a day, brochure for the Longman Hotel, Shanghai, China
It’s as if all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
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Saturday Night Live
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
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Soviet Weekly, article
Knowing others is wisdom; Knowing the self is enlightenment;
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Mastering others requires force; Mastering the self needs strength.
Tao te Ching
We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.
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Tao te Ching
The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
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The Creation of the Universe, television show sponsorship credits (PBS)
As for you, Gilgamesh, fill your belly with good things; day and night, night and day, dance and be merry, feast and rejoice. Let your clothes be fresh, bathe yourself in water, cherish the little child that holds your hand, and make your wife happy in your embrace; for this too is the lot of man.
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The Epic of Gilgamesh (3rd Millennium BC)
HOMER: The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!
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The Simpsons
BURNS: Dammit, Smithers, this isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery!
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The Simpsons
APU: I used to think karma was baloney, but now I’m not so sure.
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HOMER: Mmmmm … caramel baloney!
The Simpsons
BART: Why do we need church shoes? Jesus wore sandals.
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HOMER: Well, if he’d had proper arch support, maybe they might not have caught him.
The Simpsons
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
Other Authors and Sources
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America (4 Jul 1776)
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
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The Wizard of Oz, TV listing in a Marin, Calif. newspaper
PERRY COMO’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: The members of a Greek family are murdered systematically in a bizarre fashion.
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Toronto Sun, TV page listing
If you bought our course, “How to Fly Solo in Six Easy Lessons,” we apologize for any inconvenience caused by our failure to include the last chapter, “How to Land Your Plane Safely.” Send us your name and address and we will send you the last chapter posthaste. Requests by estates also honored.
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World Magazine, Correction in a 1973 issue
MULDER: If my Miss Manners serves me right, that protrusion from his left cornea is a salad fork.
Other Authors and Sources
X-Files
Life … is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you’re stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there’s nothing else to eat while you’re watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it’s gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you’re left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers.
Other Authors and Sources
X-Files (Cigarette Smoking Man)
JIM HACKER: So they insult me and then expect me to give them more money?
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SIR HUMPHREY: Yes, I must say it’s a rather undignified posture. But it is what artists always do: crawling towards the government on their knees, shaking their fists.
Yes, Prime Minister
JIM HACKER: Don’t tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
Other Authors and Sources
The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.
SIR HUMPHREY: Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?
BERNARD WOOLLEY: Sun readers don’t care who runs the country, as long as she’s got big tits.
Yes, Prime Minister
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.
Other Authors and Sources
A FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
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A New York City police detective
[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.
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Abdulla Ahmar, speaker of the Yemeni parliament
HIJACKER (jumping out of seat and waving gun at flight attendant): Take me to Detroit!
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: But we’re going to Detroit already.
HIJACKER (returning to seat): Oh, good.
actual situation on a domestic US flight
Never ascribe something to another cause that can be fully explained by stupidity and mediocrity.
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Aerospace proverb
Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
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African proverb
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
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African proverb
If you do not have patience, you cannot make beer.
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African proverb
Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of.
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Agnes Allen, “Agnes Allen’s Law,” in S.Morris, “You Make the Laws,” Omni (May 1979)
The fact that [someone is] an unattractive character with followers holding rather odd theology, does not mean that they have no civil, legal or constitutional rights. Calling such a group a “cult” should not deprive them of their rights.
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Alex McColl, in Soldier of Fortune (1993)
on the Branch Davidian ATF raid
Everyone lives downstream from someone else.
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American saying
There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future.
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Ancient Persian Mass
Frequently quoted as such, or sometimes "A Persian Rosary".
Liberty is always unfinished business.
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Annual Report, American Civil Liberties Union (1955/56)
If it works, it’s obsolete.
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Anonymous
Quoted in Marshall McLuhan, Understanding Media: The Extension of Man, ch. 1 (1964)
It’s not the bullet with my name on it that worries me. It’s the one that says “To whom it may concern.”
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Anonymous Belfast resident, quoted in The London Guardian (1991)
See also this.
I don’t have problems with things I can’t see. God and Jesus and Heaven, I believe in all those things. It’s the things I can see that I have trouble accepting.
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Anonymous Psych Patient
http://crazytracy.com/blog/archives/000467.html
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
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Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
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It became necessary to destroy the town to save it.
AP report on Ben Tre, Vietnam, New York Times (8 Feb 1968)
Attributed to an unidentified US Army Major.
All sunshine makes a desert.
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Arab proverb
Do not stand in a place of danger trusting in miracles.
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Arab proverb
When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey.
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Arab proverb
Examine what is said, not him who speaks.
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Arab proverb
The hasty and the slow meet at the ferry.
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Arab proverb
Something is wrong.
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ATARI 520ST and 1040ST BASIC error warning
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
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Blore’s Razor
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”
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Brady’s First Law of Problem Solving
Who dares wins.
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British Special Air Service (SAS) World War II motto
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
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Cannon’s Comment
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.
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Cherokee proverb
We Will Not Allow the United States Imperialists to Ride Roughshod over the People
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Chinese Communist song title
Mother, I Want to Go to the Mountainside and Harden Myself with Physical Labor.
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Chinese Communist song title
Before you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves.
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Chinese proverb
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
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Chinese proverb
There is many a good man to be found under a shabby hat.
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Chinese proverb
When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other.
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Chinese proverb
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
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Chinese proverb
Ask a question and you’re a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you’re a fool for the rest of your life.
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Chinese proverb
With virtue you cannot be entirely poor. Without it you cannot be really rich.
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Chinese proverb
In the midst of great joy, do not promise anyone anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer anyone’s letter.
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Chinese proverb
If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
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Chinese proverb
After three days without reading, talk becomes flavorless.
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Chinese proverb
Dig the well before you are thirsty.
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Chinese proverb
Lending to a spendthrift is like pelting a trespassing dog with meat dumplings.
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Chinese proverb
We cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over our heads, but we can refuse to let them build their nests in our hair.
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Chinese proverb
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
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Chinese proverb
Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
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Chinese proverb
When you want to test the depths of a stream, don’t use both feet.
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Chinese proverb
Talk doesn’t cook rice.
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Chinese proverb
Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
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Chinese proverb
There are three truths: my truth, your truth, and the truth.
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Chinese proverb
He who carves the Buddha never worships him.
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Chinese proverb
One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade.
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Chinese proverb
When a tiger dies, it leaves its skin behind. When a person dies, he leaves his name behind.
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Chinese proverb
Learning is like rowing upstream; not to advance is to drop back.
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Chinese proverb
Better the cottage where one is merry than the palace where one weeps.
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Chinese proverb
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
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Chinese proverb
Quoted in W. C. Wilson, ed., The Teacher's Visitor (1846).
Happiness is someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.
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Chinese proverb (also attrib. T. Bodett, S. Freud, A. Chalmers)
Before trying to become a Buddha, first be kind to other people.
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Chinese saying
Light a Lucky and you’ll never miss sweets that make you fat.
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Cigarette ad, American Tobacco Co., quoting “Charming Motion Picture Star” Constance Talmadge (1929)
Eat a chocolate. Light an Old Gold. And enjoy both! Two fine and healthful treats!
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Cigarette ad, P. Lorillard Co. (1929)
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts — not the facts themselves.
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Cohen’s Law
If you can’t make a mistake, you can’t make anything.
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Collin’s Law
The B-52 has been an effective war machine. It’s killed a lot of people.
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[speech in Congress]
The B-52 has been an effective war machine, which has unfortunately killed a lot of people.
[as edited in the Congressional Record]
Congressman Bill Young
From ghoulies and ghosties
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And long-leggety beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
Cornish prayer
From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties
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And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
Cornish prayer
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the
Other Authors and Sources
Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No … he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy!
Court record testimony
PROSECUTOR: Can you identify the man who held up your store?
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WITNESS (pointing at defendant): Yes. That’s him.
DEFENDANT (leaping up): I should have blown your bleeping head off! [Pause] If I’d been the one that was there.
Courtroom testimony in an Oklahoma trial
I always have my pad on me. Because it makes me feel so happy. And it makes wonderful things happen. This is the accessory for another beautiful day. Whenever I get involved in something, its always here to comfort me.
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Cover of a Nakabayahi Co. pad of blank paper
Maybe if you live in a country that’s a monarchy, this book’s worth reading, but this is America, ok? The whole reason we live in a democracy is so that we the people don’t have to worry about things like this.
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Customer Review of 1984 on Amazon.com (7 May 2000)
In horse vernacular, Roy has always “given me my head,” and I have tried to do the same for him.
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Dale Evans, wife of cowboy star Roy Rogers
Life is not holding a good hand; life is playing a poor hand well.
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Danish proverb
“ERROR 155 – You can’t do that.”
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Data General S200 FORTRAN error code list
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
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Dave Lebling, Zork (1977)
[On the nutritiousness of McDonalds food:] Coca-Cola is providing water, and I think that is part of a balanced diet.
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David Green, Sr. Marketing VP for McDonalds, testimony
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
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Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, So. Carolina
It is being treated as a suspicious death.
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Detective Chief Inspector Neil Guild
On the finding of a body in a suitcase on a trolley in the parking lot of London's Heathrow airport.
MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a bank robber. Give me the money.
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MAN BEHIND MAN IN BANK LINE: I am a policeman. You are under arrest.
Dialog during attempted bank robbery, Philadelphia (1974)
‘Just say no’ has done as much for drugs and sex as ‘have a nice day’ has for depression.
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Dr. E. Tyson, Texas Medical Association
The fear of tomorrow comes one day too soon.
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Dutch proverb
WIST is my personal and ever-growing collection of quotations. Please feel free to browse. More info and contact information is available under "About WIST."
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