WIST

CALVIN: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

DAD: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
CALVIN: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Oh, Great Altar of Passive Entertainment … Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.
HOBBES: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.
CALVIN: It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
HOBBES: What mood is that?
CALVIN: Last minute panic.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

HOBBES: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
CALVIN: That’s love?!?
HOBBES: Medically speaking.
CALVIN: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything is different.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?
HOBBES: Nah.
CALVIN: Oh, I do.
HOBBES: Really? How come?
CALVIN: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Dad, how do people make babies?
DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
CALVIN: I came from Sears??
DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

HOBBES: A new decade is coming up.
CALVIN: Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?
HOBBES: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.
CALVIN: I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

HOBBES: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?
CALVIN: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I don’t know which is worse, … that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

TEACHER: Explain Newton’s First Law of Motion in your own words.
CALVIN: Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in thirty minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I’m being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
HOBBES: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
CALVIN: I don’t know, but I refuse to find out!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

HOBBES: Do you think there’s a God?
CALVIN: Well somebody’s out to get me!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Reality continues to ruin my life.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
HOBBES: What’s misunderstood about you?
CALVIN: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes

CALVIN: If Mom and Dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes