SALLY: Susan, age brings you more to shave.

PATRICK: That’s your foreplay tip? Socks?

JEFF: Many men have fallen through the sock gap, Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.

STEVE: Oh, because it’s got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I’m a bloke! I’m supposed to like them! We’re born like that! We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we’re already enjoying the view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don’t like it, darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that’s what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn’t say “Hey, let’s cook!” He said: “Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!” As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of — hey! — naked bottoms. We’ve turned the Internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms! So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I’m not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.

STEVE: (after a beat, scoffs) “Using pornography”? What a strange expression, Jane. Um, I enjoy erotica, if that’s what you mean. But then, doesn’t everyone? I certainly don’t “use pornography,” whatever that means. That makes me sound like — some kind of —

SALLY: Wanker?

STEVE: You’re what?

JILL: You’re not a vegetarian!

JANE: I’m a bi-vegetarian!

JILL: What? That doesn’t exist! It’s not possible!

JANE: I’m an emotional vegetarian, Jill. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films. Do you have a problem with that?

JILL: You could never finish your greens and you could suck a whole pig through a straw.

JANE: I’m not exclusively vegetarian, Jill, if that’s what you’re trying to say. Vegetarianism for me is about, mmmm, saying yes to things — even meat.

JILL: No, it isn’t.

SUSAN: It’s a cushion.

STEVE: Right! Yes! It’s a cushion! Thank you for that, very informative. (to Jeff) Have you got any of these?

JEFF: No.

STEVE: Of course you haven’t. (to clerk) — You. You married? Living with anyone?

JUNIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: No.

STEVE: Got any of these?

JUNIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: No.

STEVE: Of course not! Okay. (looking at Susan and her female friends) You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions! Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men, everywhere — I just need to ask, please, what are they for? I mean, look, look at the chubby little bastards, just sitting around everywhere. What are they? Pets for chairs? (to senior clerk) Come on, you sell them — what are they for?

SENIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: Well — you sit on them.

STEVE: Aha! I see! That’s where you’re wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here’s the cushion. I’m putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I’m sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I — (he moves the cushion from the seat) — oop! — Move the cushion! You see? It’s not involved! It’s not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there. It’s fat litter! It’s a sofa parasite!

JANE: It’s — you know, padding.

STEVE: Oh, padding! Oh now that’s interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, “Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!” You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, “In view of those jagged rocks down there, I’ll have some of that padding, thank you very much!” But Susan, Sally, Jane, this — is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course — (he dives behind the sofa and reemerges) — Daleks! You lot trust me, girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?

SUSAN: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!

STEVE: Happens to us all mate.

JEFF: All of us, in our time, are visited by the Melty Man.

PATRICK: The what?

JEFF: Don’t say his name, Patrick. Don’t even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.

PATRICK: (chuckle) Terrified pants?

STEVE: (gravely) There’s nothing funny about the Melty Man, Patrick.

PATRICK: (face falls) You know about the Melty Man, too?

STEVE: We all know the Melty Man.

PATRICK: Who is he?

STEVE: The archenemy of trouser confidence.

JEFF: Professor Moriarty, in groin form.

STEVE: Darth Vader.

JEFF: Without the helmet.

PATRICK: What does he do?!

JEFF: Patrick, you know what he does.

PATRICK: (looks down) Oh, right.

JEFF: You’re in bed with a woman. Everything’s going fine. That’s when the Melty Man strikes.

STEVE: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, “Maybe she’s really bored.”

JEFF: Maybe you’re licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?

STEVE: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what happens if one breast gets ahead?

JEFF: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish ’em both together and do them at once?

STEVE: Or are you allowed to just skip one breast completely, just to save time?

JEFF: She’s wriggling about a bit. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?

STEVE: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start at the top again?

JEFF: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

STEVE: And then, the killer — out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her (huskily) “baby.”

JEFF: You never called her baby before.

STEVE: You’ve never called anyone baby before.

JEFF: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you’re starting to blush.

STEVE: Now, you’re blushing and you’ve got an erection. No-one’s got enough blood!

JEFF: (Scotty voice) It’s the engines, Cap’n! They cannae take it!

STEVE: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

JEFF: Just one single thought placed in your mind at this crucial time.

STEVE: “Please God! Don’t let me lose my erection!”

JEFF: (lowers his hand) Poof.

PATRICK: (with terror and disblief) How do you guys manage to have sex?

STEVE: We don’t.

JEFF: I haven’t had sex in years.

STEVE: It’s just not possible anymore.

JEFF: We are followers of the Melty Man.

STEVE: And you are one of us now.

SALLY: But you’re Jane.

JANE: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story.

PATRICK: We always have the decency to only want one thing.

STEVE: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?

PATRICK: Never!

HOLMES: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

WATSON: Why didn’t I think of that?

HOLMES: Because you’re an idiot. [WATSON looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don’t be like that. Practically everyone is.

WATSON: And what’s that?

MYCROFT: An enemy.

WATSON: An enemy?

MYCROFT: In his mind, certainly. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say an arch-enemy. He does love to be dramatic.

WATSON: Well, thank God you’re above all that.