WIST Quotations

Twain, Mark -- “Answers to Correspondents,” Sketches New and Old (1875)

Dave — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 21:41:59 +0000

A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty; and inasmuch as babyhood spans but three short years, no baby is competent to be a joy “forever.”

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“Answers to Correspondents,” Sketches New and Old (1875)
(Source)

Ostensibly in response to a "Young Mother" who had written that her new baby was a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

Twain, Mark -- “Answers to Correspondents,” The Californian (17 Jun 1865)

Dave — Tue, 08 Nov 2022 00:16:42 +0000

I haven’t a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“Answers to Correspondents,” The Californian (17 Jun 1865)
(Source)

Reprinted in The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Sketches (1867).

Twain, Mark -- “Concerning the Jews,” Harper’s (Sep 1899)

Dave — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:51:26 +0000

I am quite sure that (bar one) I have no race prejudice, and I think I have no color prejudices, nor caste prejudices. Indeed, I know it. I can stand any society. All I care to know is that a man is a human being — that is enough for me; he can’t be any worse.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“Concerning the Jews,” Harper’s (Sep 1899)

Twain, Mark -- “Memoranda: The Late Benjamin Franklin,” epigraph, The Galaxy Magazine (Jul 1870)

Dave — Wed, 06 Jul 2022 21:59:37 +0000

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“Memoranda: The Late Benjamin Franklin,” epigraph, The Galaxy Magazine (Jul 1870)
(Source)

Offered as a faux Franklin maxim, in an essay where Twain mocked veneration of Franklin's biography and supposedly original aphorisms.

More background on this quotation: Never Put Off Till Tomorrow What You Can Do The Day After Tomorrow Just As Well – Quote Investigator.

Twain, Mark -- “New Year’s Day,” Virginia City Territorial Enterprise (c. 1 Jan 1864)

Dave — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 17:08:55 +0000

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“New Year’s Day,” Virginia City Territorial Enterprise (c. 1 Jan 1864)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- “New Year’s Day,” Virginia City Territorial Enterprise (Jan 1864)

Dave — Thu, 31 Dec 2015 17:07:04 +0000

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls, and humbug resolutions, and we wish you to enjoy it with a looseness suited to the greatness of the occasion.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“New Year’s Day,” Virginia City Territorial Enterprise (Jan 1864)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- “The Character of Man” (23 Jan 1906), in The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)

Dave — Tue, 18 Apr 2017 00:29:10 +0000

Look at the tyranny of party — at what is called party allegiance, party loyalty — a snare invented by designing men for selfish purposes — and which turns voters into chattels, slaves, rabbits, and all the while their masters, and they themselves are shouting rubbish about liberty, independence, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech, honestly unconscious of the fantastic contradiction; and forgetting or ignoring that their fathers and the churches shouted the same blasphemies a generation earlier when they were closing their doors against the hunted slave, beating his handful of humane defenders with Bible texts and billies, and pocketing the insults and licking the shoes of his Southern Master.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“The Character of Man” (23 Jan 1906), in The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)

Twain, Mark -- “What Is Man?” (1906)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Each nation knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“What Is Man?” (1906)

Full text.

Twain, Mark -- “What Is Man?” (1906)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has any FIRST AND FOREMOST object but one — to secure peace of mind, spiritual comfort, for HIMSELF.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“What Is Man?” (1906)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- “What is Man?” (1906)

Dave — Wed, 28 May 2008 12:22:41 +0000

I have seen several entirely sincere people who thought they were (permanent) Seekers after Truth. They sought diligently, persistently, carefully, cautiously, profoundly, with perfect honesty and nicely adjusted judgment — until they believed that without doubt or question they had found the Truth.

That was the end of the search. The man spent the rest of his life hunting up shingles wherewith to protect his Truth from the weather. If he was seeking after political Truth he found it in one or another of the hundred political gospels which govern men in the earth; if he was seeking after the Only True Religion he found it in one or another of the three thousand that are on the market. In any case, when he found the Truth he sought no further; but from that day forth, with his soldering-iron in one hand and his bludgeon in the other he tinkered its leaks and reasoned with objectors.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“What is Man?” (1906)

Twain, Mark -- “What Is Man?” (1906)

Dave — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 16:13:18 +0000

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“What Is Man?” (1906)

Twain, Mark -- “What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us?” (1899)

Dave — Mon, 07 Feb 2005 09:42:57 +0000

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us?” (1899)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- “Women, a Eulogy of the Fair Sex,” Speech at the Correspondents Club, Washington, DC (11 Jan 1868)

Dave — Mon, 21 Jun 2021 18:35:50 +0000

What, sir, would the people of this earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
“Women, a Eulogy of the Fair Sex,” Speech at the Correspondents Club, Washington, DC (11 Jan 1868)
(Source)

The speech (responding to a toast) was printed on 13 January in the Washington Star. The last sentence (or, in some cases, "Almighty scarce") was apparently added later in Twain's published speeches.

Variant: "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."

Twain, Mark -- (Attributed)

Dave — Wed, 09 Dec 2015 15:53:22 +0000

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Attributed)

Quoted in Gay Zenola MacLaren, Morally We Roll Along (1938). A recollection of something Twain said to the author when she was a child. For further discussion, see Quote Origin: Keep Away from People Who Try to Belittle Your Ambitions – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- (Misattributed)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Misattributed)

I cannot find any reference to this phrase prior to 1921, and no association with Twain until the mid-1970s.

The quotation apparently first appears in various newspaper "filler" columns (e.g., 1921-12-07); in no cases is there an attribution to Twain or to anyone else, except some references of it having been originally seen in the Boston Post (e.g., 1921-12-17, 1921-12-16, 1921-12-07).

One place where a name is associated with the quote is where it appears in the "Facts and Fancies" syndicated column of quips by Robert Quillen (1921-12-07). Quillen (1887-1948) was an American journalist and humorist, whose work was syndicated in hundreds of newspapers. He was know for, among other things, his one-liners. It's unclear whether he adopted material from others, or originated everything in "Facts and Fancies." If the latter, and if the column also appeared in the Boston Post, that would indicate Quillen actually is the source of this quotation.

One place for some doubt is that the one Quillen column shows a date of December 7, but so do some other papers which ran the quote. It is possible, as the actual publication dates of syndicated material can vary between papers or be delayed, that Quillen's column in the paper above ran after its original appearance (in the Boston Globe?), which other papers then stole from as filler material without crediting Quillen.

Twain, who died in 1910, does not seem associated with the quote until the mid-1970s, and it does not show up in more authoritative collections of Twain material. The association to Twain seems to come from Laurence J Peter, Peter's Quotations (1977). Peter included the phrase as a parenthetical comment to a Mark Twain quotation. The proximity may have led to Twain being associated with it (as here, which duplicates the entry from Peter, but with the attribution following the combined two quotes).

In sum, the quotation first appeared in December 1921, a decade after Twain's death, and was possibly created by Robert Quillen. It's association to Mark Twain came from its use by Lawrence Peter as an editorial comment to a different Twain quotation.

Twain, Mark -- (Misattributed)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Misattributed)

Not found in Twain's work, and the phrase "putting [someone] on" post-dates Twain.

The quotation actually appears to come from Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull, The Peter Principle, ch. 7 (1969). Peter writes that during a lecture, a Latin American student named Caesare Innocente, said to him:

Professor Peter, I'm afraid that what I want to know is not answered by all my studying. I don't know whether the world is run by smart men who are, how you Americans say, putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

More discussion: slang - What is the origin of "putting someone on" - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange.

Twain, Mark -- (Misattributed)

Dave — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 13:41:06 +0000

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Misattributed)

This appears to have originally been based on a comment by lawyer and jurist Ebenezer Rockwood Hoar in 1884 regarding the death of abolitionist figure Wendell Phillips. In retelling it has been attributed to (and targeted at) a variety of people. It was not attached to Twain until 1938, and the connection was widely popularized by a reference from columnist Walter Winchell (1946), and by Hal Holbrook's one-man show, Mark Twain Tonight (1954).

For more discussion of this quotation's origins, see Quote Origin: I Did Not Attend the Funeral, But I Sent a Nice Letter Saying I Approved of It – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- (Misattributed)

Dave — Tue, 12 Nov 2013 13:52:54 +0000

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Misattributed)

Scholarly research finds no actual connection between Twain and the origin of this phrase. It appears to have been first crafted by columnist Arthur G. Lewis, Book of the Royal Blue Magazine (1911-04):

It is not the size of the dog in the fight that counts, but the fight in the dog that wins.

For more discussion of the origins and variations, see Quote Origin: It’s Not the Size of the Dog in the Fight, It’s the Size of the Fight in the Dog – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- (Misattributed)

Dave — Wed, 04 Aug 2021 05:36:32 +0000

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Misattributed)

This quote is frequently attributed to Twain, but is instead a light paraphrase of the work Philip Gilbert Hamerton, who wrote in his essay "Cats":

If animals could speak as fabulists have feigned, the dog would be a blunt, blundering, outspoken, honest fellow, but the cat would have the rare talent of never saying a word too much.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:49:40 +0000

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Not found in Twain's writing. He was eleven when his father died.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 17:42:55 +0000

Censorship is telling a man he can’t eat steak because a baby can’t chew it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Unsourced in Twain's writings. Likely derived from this Heinlein quotation.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 13:15:04 +0000

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

A common "inspirational" quote, frequently attributed to Twain, but not found in writings. Earliest found is in H. Jackson Brown, P.S. I Love You (1990), attributed to Brown's mother. More info here.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 13:31:55 +0000

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Written as such, I was unable to find any online book reference with the expression prior to 2001, except for a possible 1982 second-hand mention in a Forbes Magazine letter column. Further research (see QI link below) finds the first mention of something substantially like this in 1935, recollecting a similar statement by newspaper editor William Allen White several years before. All post-date Twain's death. For more details, and other variants of this quotation, see Advice Origin: Substitute ‘Damn’ Every Time You’re Inclined to Write ‘Very’ – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 13:55:37 +0000

A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

First attributed to Twain in 1945, but not found in his works. Earliest appearances of the quote date back to 1910, but are unattributed. It's often attributed to Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby), but she didn't say it until 1966.

For more research and discussion see Quote Origin: The Man Who Does Not Read Has No Advantage Over the Man Who Cannot Read – Quote Investigator® and Mark Twain quotations - Reading.

Variants:

"Who can see the barely perceptible line between the man who can not read at all and the man who does not read at all? The literate who can, but does not, read, and the illiterate who neither does nor can? [Joseph D. Eggleston Jr. (1910)]
"The person who does not read has no advantage over the person who cannot read." ["Dear Abby" (1966-10-19)]
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Wed, 23 Oct 2013 13:01:58 +0000

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Frequently attributed to Twain, but undocumented in any of his writings. The origin of the phrase seems to be in a letter from Horace Walpole to Mary Berry (29 Jul 1789), attributing a quip to the English actor James Quin:

Quin, being once asked if he had ever seen so bad a winter, replied, “Yes, just such an one last summer!” -- and here is its youngest brother!

Twain, in turn, mentioned the observation in a letter to Lucius Fairchild (28 Apr 1880), using it to denigrate Paris, France:

For this long time I have been intending to congratulate you fervently upon your translation to -- to -- anywhere -- for anywhere is better than Paris. Paris the cold, Paris the drizzly, Paris the rainy, Paris the Damnable. More than a hundred years ago, somebody asked Quin, "Did you ever see such a winter in all your life before?" "Yes," said he, "last summer." I judge he spent his summer in Paris.

When "coldest winter ... summer" phrase first achieved popularity in that form (around 1900 or earlier), the targeted city was Duluth, Minnesota, followed by other cities in Minnesota and Wisconsin, before being grafted onto San Francisco and, again, Mark Twain.

More discussion about this quotation:

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Thu, 05 Jun 2014 14:50:56 +0000

Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Frequently attributed to Twain and also to Immanuel Kant (but never, in either case, with any citation). The phrase first makes recognizable (if anonymous) appearance in the late 19th Century; attributions to Twain begin in the late 1990s. See also Proverbs 26:4. For more discussion (and a shout-out to WIST) see here.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Thu, 23 Oct 2014 12:52:59 +0000

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

This quotation, and close variants, are frequently attributed to Twain or Abraham Lincoln, but appears to have first been phrased this way by Maurice Switzer, Mrs. Goose, Her Book (1906):

It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.

Another point of origin is in the Bible, Proverbs 17:28:

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.

In short, the sentiment is not new. See also See also Fuller, Franklin, Thomas a Kempis, and Wilson. For more discussion, see:

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 13:00:11 +0000

It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Not found in Twain's writings. The earliest attribution to him appears to be in 2011. The connection to Twain may be his (authentic) comment, "How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and how hard it is to undo that work again!"

For more discussion of this quotation, see Quote Origin: It’s Easier To Fool People Than To Convince Them That They’ve Been Fooled – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Mon, 16 Jan 2017 20:35:14 +0000

When the rich rob the poor it’s called business. When the poor fight back it’s called violence.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Frequently, but incorrectly attributed to Twain, no earlier than 2015. It appears to have been an anonymous phrase coined in the Occupy Movement in 2011. See here for more information.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 23:29:52 +0000

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Frequently attributed to Twain, but not found in his writing or in any contemporary sources.

Twain, Mark -- (Spurious)

Dave — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 17:35:52 +0000

It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
(Spurious)

Widely attributed to Twain, but not found in any of his printed works. The first attribution appeared in 1915, after Twain's death.

For more discussion, see Quote Origin: Some People Are Troubled by the Things in the Bible They Can’t Understand. The Things That Trouble Me Are the Things I Can Understand – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 13 “Freemen!” (1889)

Dave — Mon, 06 May 2024 13:46:34 +0000

You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one’s country, not to its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 13 “Freemen!” (1889)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 26 “The First Newspaper” (1889)

Dave — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 21:05:58 +0000

One mustn’t criticize other people on grounds where he can’t stand perpendicular himself.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 26 “The First Newspaper” (1889)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 34 (1889)

Dave — Wed, 28 Apr 2021 21:30:42 +0000

But don’t you know, there are some things that can beat smartness and foresight? Awkwardness and stupidity can. The best swordsman in the world doesn’t need to fear the second best swordsman in the world; no, the person for him to be afraid of is some ignorant antagonist who has never had a sword in his hand before; he doesn’t do the thing he ought to do, and so the expert isn’t prepared for him; he does the thing he ought not to do: and often it catches the expert out and ends him on the spot.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, ch. 34 (1889)
(Source)

Origin of more simplified versions of the phrase. More discussion: The Best Swordsman in the World Doesn’t Need To Fear the Second Best Swordsman – Quote Investigator.

Twain, Mark -- A Tramp Abroad (1880)

Dave — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:25:12 +0000

The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little, by way of example.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
A Tramp Abroad (1880)

Twain, Mark -- Autobiography, Part 1, sec. 28 “New York, January 10, 1906” (2003)

Dave — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 13:21:48 +0000

Life does not consist mainly — or even largely — of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one’s head.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Autobiography, Part 1, sec. 28 “New York, January 10, 1906” (2003)

Full text.

Twain, Mark -- Christian Science, Book 1, ch. 5 (1907)

Dave — Wed, 26 Jun 2013 21:39:36 +0000

Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now.

Those of us who are not in the asylum, and not demonstrably due there, are nevertheless, no doubt, insane in one or two particulars. I think we must admit this; but I think that we are otherwise healthy-minded. I think that when we all see one thing alike, it is evidence that, as regards that one thing, our minds are perfectly sound. Now there are really several things which we do all see alike; things which we all accept, and about which we do not dispute. For instance, we who are outside of the asylum all agree that water seeks its level; that the sun gives light and heat; that fire consumes; that fog is damp; that six times six are thirty-six, that two from ten leaves eight; that eight and seven are fifteen. These are, perhaps, the only things we are agreed about; but, although they are so few, they are of inestimable value, because they make an infallible standard of sanity. Whosoever accepts them him we know to be substantially sane; sufficiently sane; in the working essentials, sane. Whoever disputes a single one of them him we know to be wholly insane, and qualified for the asylum.

Very well, the man who disputes none of them we concede to be entitled to go at large. But that is concession enough. We cannot go any further than that; for we know that in all matters of mere opinion that same man is insane — just as insane as we are; just as insane as Shakespeare was. We know exactly where to put our finger upon his insanity: it is where his opinion differs from ours.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Christian Science, Book 1, ch. 5 (1907)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Christian Science, ch. 5 (1907)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane; not in all things, but in religious matters. When a thoughtful and unblessed Mohammedan examines the Westminster Catechism, he knows that beyond any question I am spiritually insane. I cannot prove to him that he is insane, because you never can prove anything to a lunatic — for that is a part of his insanity and the evidence of it. He cannot prove to me that I am insane, for my mind has the same defect that afflicts his. All Democrats are insane, but not one of them knows it; none but the Republicans and Mugwumps know it. All the Republicans are insane, but only the Democrats and Mugwumps can perceive it. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Christian Science, ch. 5 (1907)
(Source)

Often misattributed to Oscar Wilde.

Twain, Mark -- Christian Science, ch. 5 (1907)

Dave — Fri, 25 Oct 2013 17:09:59 +0000

There’s no end to the list; there are millions of them! And all insane; each in his own way; insane as to his pet fad or opinion, but otherwise sane and rational. This should move us to be charitable towards one another’s lunacies. I recognize that in his special belief the Christian Scientist is insane, because he does not believe as I do; but I hail him as my mate and fellow, because I am as insane as he insane from his point of view, and his point of view is as authoritative as mine and worth as much. That is to say, worth a brass farthing. Upon a great religious or political question, the opinion of the dullest head in the world is worth the same as the opinion of the brightest head in the world — a brass farthing. How do we arrive at this? It is simple. The affirmative opinion of a stupid man is neutralized by the negative opinion of his stupid neighbor — no decision is reached; the affirmative opinion of the intellectual giant Gladstone is neutralized by the negative opinion of the intellectual giant Newman — no decision is reached. Opinions that prove nothing are, of course, without value any but a dead person knows that much. This obliges us to admit the truth of the unpalatable proposition just mentioned above — that, in disputed matters political and religious, one man’s opinion is worth no more than his peer’s, and hence it followers that no man’s opinion possesses any real value. It is a humbling thought, but there is no way to get around it: all opinions upon these great subjects are brass-farthing opinions.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Christian Science, ch. 5 (1907)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 11, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 16:39:20 +0000

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it — and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again — and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 11, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

See Herbert.

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 15, epigraph, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar” (1897)

Dave — Fri, 17 Jul 2015 17:12:12 +0000

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 15, epigraph, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar” (1897)
(Source)

Sometimes paraphrased, "Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense." More on this quotation and its variants here.

See also Byron.

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 20, Epigraph (1897)

Dave — Wed, 13 Dec 2023 20:58:26 +0000

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to exercise either of them.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 20, Epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Cited as from Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar. Sometimes misquoted "... never to practice either."

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 21 (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

There are many humorous things in the world, among them the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 21 (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 21, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 15:41:09 +0000

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 21, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 25 (1898)

Dave — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 13:09:39 +0000

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 25 (1898)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 25, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Thu, 07 Jun 2018 21:13:52 +0000

“Classic.” A book which people praise and don’t read.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 25, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 27, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 17:53:24 +0000

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 27, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 28 (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 28 (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 32, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Tue, 01 May 2012 13:34:06 +0000

A man with a new idea is a Crank until the idea succeeds.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 32, epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 36, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 21:40:22 +0000

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 36, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 39, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Tue, 27 May 2008 10:32:57 +0000

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 39, epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 40, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 18:02:33 +0000

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man’s, I mean.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 40, epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 48 (Epigraph) (1897)

Dave — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:01:28 +0000

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 48 (Epigraph) (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 48, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Thu, 28 Mar 2024 19:41:54 +0000

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 48, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 5, Epigraph (1897)

Dave — Wed, 23 Mar 2016 13:35:22 +0000

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 5, Epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 52, epigraph (Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar) (1897)

Dave — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 13:49:49 +0000

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 52, epigraph (Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar) (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 53 (1897)

Dave — Fri, 26 Jun 2015 14:55:29 +0000

If the man doesn’t believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean it does nowadays, because now we can’t burn him.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 53 (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 56, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Mon, 26 Feb 2024 21:30:37 +0000

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 56, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 58, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 58, epigraph (1897)

See here for more discussion about this (and related) quotations.

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 59, epigram (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 59, epigram (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 61, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 16:16:09 +0000

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then He made School Boards.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 61, epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 65, Epigraph (1897)

Dave — Wed, 30 Jul 2014 12:54:43 +0000

In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 65, Epigraph (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, ch. 66, epigraph (1897)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, ch. 66, epigraph (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Following the Equator, Preface (1897)

Dave — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 12:17:01 +0000

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Following the Equator, Preface (1897)

Twain, Mark -- Hannibal Courier-Post (6 Mar 1835)

Dave — Tue, 29 May 2012 12:48:02 +0000

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Hannibal Courier-Post (6 Mar 1835)

Twain, Mark -- Innocents Abroad, ch. 55 (1869)

Dave — Tue, 04 Jun 2013 13:10:31 +0000

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Innocents Abroad, ch. 55 (1869)

Twain, Mark -- Joan of Arc, “Translator’s Preface” (1860)

Dave — Fri, 25 Mar 2022 14:43:49 +0000

To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man’s character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours. Judged by the standards of one century, the noblest characters of an earlier one lose much of their luster; judged by the standards of today, there is probably no illustrious man of four or five centuries ago whose character could meet the test at all points.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Joan of Arc, “Translator’s Preface” (1860)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Letters from Earth (1939)

Dave — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:41:57 +0000

Man is the religious animal. He is the only religious animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion — several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat, if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letters from Earth (1939)

Twain, Mark -- Letters from the Earth, “The Damned Human Race,” sec. 5 “The Lowest Animal” (1962) [ed. DeVoto]

Dave — Mon, 25 Mar 2024 21:15:04 +0000

Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of a thing, any way you take him; a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letters from the Earth, “The Damned Human Race,” sec. 5 “The Lowest Animal” (1962) [ed. DeVoto]
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Life on the Mississippi, ch. 6 (1883)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Life on the Mississippi, ch. 6 (1883)

Twain, Mark -- Life on the Mississippi, ch. 3 (1883)

Dave — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 13:30:30 +0000

Whoo-oop! I’m the old original iron-jawed, brass-mounted, copper-bellied corpse-maker from the wilds of Arkansaw. — Look at me! I’m the man they call Sudden Death & General Desolation! Sired by a hurricane, dam’d by an earthquake, half-brother to the cholera, nearly related to the small-pox on the mother’s side! Look at me! I take nineteen alligators and a bar’l of whiskey for breakfast when I’m in robust health, and a bushel of rattlesnakes and a dead body when I’m ailing! I split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I squench the thunder when I speak! Whoo-oop! Stand back and give me room according to my strength! Blood’s my natural drink, and the wails of the dying is music to my ear! Cast your eye on me, gentlemen! — and lay low and hold your breath, for I’m bout to turn myself loose!

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Life on the Mississippi, ch. 3 (1883)

Twain, Mark -- Life on the Mississippi, ch. 30 (1883)

Dave — Mon, 13 Sep 2021 20:55:53 +0000

We asked a passenger who belonged there what sort of place it was. “Well,” said he, after considering, and with the air of one who wishes to take time and be accurate, “It’s a hell of a place.” A description which was photographic for exactness.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Life on the Mississippi, ch. 30 (1883)
(Source)

Describing Arkansas City, Arkansas.

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Autobiography, “Chapters Added in Florence (1904)” (1924) [ed. Bigelow]

Dave — Wed, 08 Sep 2021 22:17:22 +0000

After nine months of familiarity with this panorama, I still think, as I thought in the beginning, that this is the fairest picture on our planet, the most enchanting to look upon, the most satisfying to the eye and the spirit. To see the sun sink down, drowned on his pink and purple and golden floods, and overwhelm Florence with tides of color that make all the sharp lines dim and faint and turn the solid city to a city of dreams, is a sight to stir the coldest nature, and make a sympathetic one drunk with ecstasy.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Autobiography, “Chapters Added in Florence (1904)” (1924) [ed. Bigelow]
(Source)

Recounting his previous stay in, and view of, Florence, Italy, starting in 26 September 1892; written while again staying there in 1904.

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook (1894-02-02) [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 17:35:55 +0000

Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook (1894-02-02) [ed. Paine (1935)]
(Source)

See Apuleius.

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Each race determines for itself what indecencies are. Nature knows no indecencies; Man invents them.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

When one remembers that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]
(Source)

See also this.

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:46:24 +0000

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:01:12 +0000

The human race consists of the damned and the ought-to-be-damned.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:41:55 +0000

The first thing I want to teach is disloyalty. … This will beget independence — which is loyalty to one’s best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 12:37:15 +0000

A thing long expected takes the form of the unexpected when at last it comes.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook 4 Jul 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:55:32 +0000

There are many scapegoats for our blunders, but the most popular one is Providence.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook 4 Jul 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1879 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:57:48 +0000

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1879 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1902 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 20:26:26 +0000

Everybody’s private motto: It’s better to be popular than right.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 1902 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Comment on an unlined sheet his papers.

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 22 Dec 1903 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:29:22 +0000

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 22 Dec 1903 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 23 May 1903 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 17:10:12 +0000

Man was made at the end of the week’s work, when God was tired.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 23 May 1903 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook, 4 Jul 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:53:54 +0000

Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook, 4 Jul 1898 [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Noteook (1935 ed) [ed. Paine]

Dave — Tue, 09 Mar 2021 18:28:10 +0000

If all men were rich, all men would be poor.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Noteook (1935 ed) [ed. Paine]
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Notebook (13 Oct 1904) [ed. Paine (1935)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

The majority is always in the wrong. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it’s time to reform — (or pause and reflect).

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Notebook (13 Oct 1904) [ed. Paine (1935)]

Twain, Mark -- Mark Twain’s Speeches, Introduction [ed W.D. Howells (1923 ed.)]

Dave — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:16:44 +0000

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Mark Twain’s Speeches, Introduction [ed W.D. Howells (1923 ed.)]

Twain, Mark -- More Tramps Abroad, Epigraph, ch. 23 (1897)

Dave — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 22:37:13 +0000

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
More Tramps Abroad, Epigraph, ch. 23 (1897)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Papers of the Adams Family, Part 6 “Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called ‘Glances at History’ or ‘Outlines of History'” (1939)

Dave — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:41:05 +0000

Against our traditions we are now entering upon an unjust and trivial war, a war against a helpless people, and for a base object — robbery. At first our citizens spoke out against this thing, by an impulse natural to their training. Today they have turned, and their voice is the other way. What caused the change? Merely a politician’s trick — a high-sounding phrase, a blood-stirring phrase which turned their uncritical heads: Our Country, right or wrong! An empty phrase, a silly phrase. It was shouted by every newspaper, it was thundered from the pulpit, the Superintendent of Public Instruction placarded it in every schoolhouse in the land, the War Department inscribed it upon the flag. And every man who failed to shout it or who was silent, was proclaimed a traitor — none but those others were patriots. To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, “Our Country, right or wrong,” and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Papers of the Adams Family, Part 6 “Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called ‘Glances at History’ or ‘Outlines of History'” (1939)

Twain, Mark -- Papers of the Adams Family, Part 6 “Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called ‘Glances at History’ or ‘Outlines of History'” (1939)

Dave — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 01:01:10 +0000

For in a republic, who is “the Country”? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant — merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. Who, then, is “the country?” Is it the newspaper? Is it the pulpit? Is it the school-superintendent? Why, these are mere parts of the country, not the whole of it; they have not command, they have only their little share in the command. They are but one in the thousand; it is in the thousand that command is lodged; they must determine what is right and what is wrong; they must decide who is a patriot and who isn’t.

Twain, Mark -- Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 1 (1894)

Dave — Tue, 23 Feb 2021 20:10:17 +0000

When there was room on the ledge outside of the pot s and boxes for a cat, the cat was there — in sunny weather — stretched at full length, asleep and blissful, with her furry belly to the sun and a paw curved over her nose. Then the house was complete, and its contentment and peace were made manifest to the world by this symbol, whose testimony is infallible. A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted, and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 1 (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 5, Epigraph (1894)

Dave — Fri, 05 Jul 2024 16:46:45 +0000

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 5, Epigraph (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, “Notice” (1884)

Dave — Thu, 12 Apr 2018 15:49:22 +0000

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
— By Order of the Author

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, “Notice” (1884)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 1 (1884)

Dave — Tue, 03 May 2011 13:44:27 +0000

That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 1 (1884)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 18 (1884)

Dave — Fri, 21 Mar 2025 16:02:25 +0000

We said there warn’t no home like a raft, after all. Other places do seem so cramped up and smothery, but a raft don’t. You feel mighty free and easy and comfortable on a raft.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 18 (1884)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 26 (1884)

Dave — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:50:08 +0000

Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain’t that a big enough majority in any town?

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 26 (1884)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 31 (1884)

Dave — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 12:30:49 +0000

You can’t pray a lie.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, ch. 31 (1884)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, ch. 2 (1876)

Dave — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:39:00 +0000

He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it — namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain. If he had been a great and wise philosopher, like the writer of this book, he would now have comprehended that Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and that Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. And this would help him to understand why constructing artificial flowers or performing on a tread-mill is work, while rolling ten-pins or climbing Mont Blanc is only amusement.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, ch. 2 (1876)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, ch. 5 (1876)

Dave — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:11:02 +0000

Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, ch. 5 (1876)

Twain, Mark -- The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Preface (1876)

Dave — Fri, 13 Jun 2014 13:14:45 +0000

Although my book is intended mainly for the entertainment of boys and girls, I hope it will not be shunned by men and women on that account, for part of my plan has been to try to pleasantly remind adults of what they once were themselves, and of how they felt and thought and talked, and what queer enterprises they sometimes engaged in.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Preface (1876)

Twain, Mark -- The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)

Dave — Mon, 16 Feb 2004 17:20:19 +0000

We recognize that there are no trivial occurrences in life if we get the right focus on them.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)

Dave — Wed, 11 Mar 2015 12:26:07 +0000

What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. All day long, and every day, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts (which are but the mute articulation of his feelings,) not those other things, are his history. His acts and his words are merely the visible thin crust of his world, with its scarred snow summits and its vacant wastes of water — and they are so trifling a part of his bulk! a mere skin enveloping it. The mass of him is hidden — it and its volcanic fires that toss and boil, and never rest, night nor day. These are his life, and they are not written, and cannot be written. Every day would make a whole book of eighty thousand words — three hundred and sixty-five books a year. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man — the biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1 (2010)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1, 1864 (2010)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise, and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now, I would got to that man and take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet, retired spot, and kill him.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 1, 1864 (2010)
(Source)

Seen paraphrased: "I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."

Twain, Mark -- The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 2, 15 January 1907 (2010)

Dave — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 10:33:00 +0000

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 2, 15 January 1907 (2010)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3, 3 July 1908 (2010)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

A strange and vanity-devoured, detestable woman! I do not believe I could ever learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3, 3 July 1908 (2010)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-Day, ch. 47 (1874) [with Charles Dudley Warner]

Dave — Mon, 29 Nov 2021 18:14:21 +0000

History never repeats itself, but the Kaleidoscopic combinations of the pictured present often seem to be constructed of the broken fragments of antique legends.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Gilded Age: A Tale of To-Day, ch. 47 (1874) [with Charles Dudley Warner]
(Source)

Probably the source of the Twain misquote "History does not repeat itself, but it rhymes" (which does not appear prior to 1970).

More discussion of this quotation: History Does Not Repeat Itself, But It Rhymes – Quote Investigator

Twain, Mark -- The Innocents Abroad, “Conclusion” (1869)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things can not be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Innocents Abroad, “Conclusion” (1869)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Innocents Abroad, ch. 23 (1869)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Innocents Abroad, ch. 23 (1869)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Innocents Abroad, ch. 57 (1869)

Dave — Thu, 20 Apr 2017 15:31:59 +0000

It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing — I used to be a good boy, for that matter. Both of us have lost character of late years.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Innocents Abroad, ch. 57 (1869)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Mysterious Stranger, ch. 9 (1916)

Dave — Thu, 05 May 2016 16:00:34 +0000

I know your race. It is made up of sheep. It is governed by minorities, seldom or never by majorities. It suppresses its feelings and its beliefs and follows the handful that makes the most noise. Sometimes the noisy handful is right, sometimes wrong; but no matter, the crowd follows it. The vast majority of the race, whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind-hearted and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don’t dare to assert themselves. Think of it! One kind-hearted creature spies upon another, and sees to it that he loyally helps in iniquities which revolt both of them. Speaking as an expert, I know that ninety-nine out of a hundred of your race were strongly against the killing of witches when that foolishness was first agitated by a handful of pious lunatics in the long ago. And I know that even to-day, after ages of transmitted prejudice and silly teaching, only one person in twenty puts any real heart into the harrying of a witch. And yet apparently everybody hates witches and wants them killed. Some day a handful will rise up on the other side and make the most noise — perhaps even a single daring man with a big voice and a determined front will do it — and in a week all the sheep will wheel and follow him, and witch-hunting will come to a sudden end.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Mysterious Stranger, ch. 9 (1916)

Twain, Mark -- The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc, ch. 16 (1896)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc, ch. 16 (1896)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 12, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose application of the word.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 12, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 19, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 19, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 6 (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 6 (1894)

Sometimes given: "Let us endeavor so to live that ..."

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 7, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’n’head Wilson, ch. 7, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 9 epigraph “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)

Dave — Mon, 11 May 2015 12:41:50 +0000

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 9 epigraph “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 1 (1894)

Dave — Tue, 27 Jul 2021 19:00:13 +0000

When there was room on the ledge outside of the pots and boxes for a cat, the cat was there — in sunny weather — stretched at full length, asleep and blissful, with her furry belly to the sun and a paw curved over her nose. Then that house was complete, and its contentment and peace were made manifest to the world by this symbol, whose testimony is infallible. A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted, and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 1 (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 13, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 13:32:07 +0000

October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are: July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 13, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 15, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:18:54 +0000

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 15, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 15, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Thu, 25 Feb 2016 15:56:47 +0000

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 15, epigraph (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 19, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is differences of opinion that make horse races.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 19, epigraph (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 2 (1894)

Dave — Wed, 03 Sep 2014 15:21:15 +0000

Adam was but human — this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 2 (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 21 epigraph: “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)

Dave — Tue, 01 Apr 2014 13:36:07 +0000

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 21 epigraph: “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 6, Epigraph “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)

Dave — Thu, 25 May 2017 22:57:06 +0000

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 6, Epigraph “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar” (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 8, epigraph (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
The Tragedy of Pudd’nhead Wilson, ch. 8, epigraph (1894)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Tom Sawyer Abroad (1894)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

But, on the other hand, Uncle Abner said that the person that had took a bull by the tail once had learnt sixty or seventy times as much as a person that hadn’t, and said a person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was gitting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn’t ever going to grow dim or doubtful.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Tom Sawyer Abroad (1894)

Full text.

Variants sometimes seen:

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Twain, Mark -- Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 10 (1894)

Dave — Tue, 10 May 2016 13:37:48 +0000

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 10 (1894)
(Source)

Frequently misquoted as "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

Twain, Mark -- Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 11 “The Sand-Storm” (1905)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 11 “The Sand-Storm” (1905)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 11 (1894)

Dave — Thu, 22 Sep 2016 00:29:11 +0000

The more you join with people in their joys and their sorrows, the more nearer and dearer they come to be to you.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Tom Sawyer Abroad, ch. 11 (1894)

Twain, Mark -- What Is Man? ch. 6 (1906)

Dave — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 14:07:26 +0000

Each nation, knowing it has the only true religion and the only sane system of government, each despising all the others, each an ass and not suspecting it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
What Is Man? ch. 6 (1906)

Twain, Mark -- What Is Man?, ch. 6 (1906)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self approval.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
What Is Man?, ch. 6 (1906)

Twain, Mark -- Autobiographical Dictation (1908-06-26)

Dave — Sat, 01 Mar 2025 21:48:56 +0000

It is my belief that no crime, however cowardly and however shameless and cruel, can be imagined which there isn’t somebody in Christendom willing to commit.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Autobiographical Dictation (1908-06-26)
(Source)

Published in Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3 (2015).

Twain, Mark -- Dictation (1906-12-02), The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 2 (2013)

Dave — Thu, 29 Oct 2020 18:34:02 +0000

How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and how hard it is to undo that work again!

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Dictation (1906-12-02), The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 2 (2013)
(Source)

A phrase that may be the origin the spurious Twain quotation, "It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled."

Twain, Mark -- Dictation (1907-07-30)

Dave — Mon, 20 May 2024 15:08:51 +0000

A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditch-digging.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Dictation (1907-07-30)
(Source)

In Benjamin Griffin and Harriet Elinor Smith, eds., Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3 (pub. 2015).

Also recorded in Bernard DeVoto, ed., Mark Twain in Eruption, "The Last Visit to England," ch. 1 "White and Red" (1940). DeVoto identifies it coming from the dictations of July-August 1907.

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1882), “Advice to Youth”

Dave — Wed, 04 Feb 2026 17:09:51 +0000

Always obey your parents, when they are present. This is the best policy in the long run, because if you don’t, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Essay (1882), “Advice to Youth”
(Source)

A satirical essay sometimes labeled as a speech to the Boston Saturday Morning Club (1882-04-15).

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1906), “The Gorky Incident,” Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped, but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment. The penalty may be unfair, unrighteous, illogical, and a cruelty; no mater, it will be inflicted, just the same.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Essay (1906), “The Gorky Incident,” Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]
(Source)

Commenting on the eviction of Maxim Gorky from multiple hotels in New York City because the woman he was traveling with was not his wife. Twain was a supporter of Gorky's efforts to foment revolution in Tsarist Russia.

The essay was not published in Twain's lifetime. It's original publication was in the Slavonic and East European Review (1944-08), also edited by DeVoto.

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1906), “The Gorky Incident,” Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]

Dave — Fri, 15 May 2026 17:38:27 +0000

Laws are coldly reasoned out and established upon what the lawmakers believe to be a basis of right. But customs are not. Customs are not enacted, they grow gradually up, imperceptibly and unconsciously, like an oak from its seed. In the fullness of their strength they can stand up straight in front of a world of argument and reasoning and yield not an inch.

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1906), “The Gorky Incident,” Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]

Dave — Fri, 05 Jun 2026 15:40:41 +0000

Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed; one may reason all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1906), “The Gorky Incident,” Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]

Dave — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 15:56:07 +0000

Custom is custom; it is built of brass, boiler iron, granite; facts, reasonings, arguments have no more effect upon it than the idle winds have upon Gibraltar.

Twain, Mark -- Essay (1909 ca.), Papers of the Adams Family, ch. 6 “Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called ‘Glances at History’ or ‘Outlines of History'”

Dave — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 14:50:13 +0000

Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak. And it is a solemn and weighty responsibility, and not lightly to be flung aside at the bullying of pulpit, press, government, or the empty catch-phrases of politicians. Each must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, and which course is patriotic and which isn’t. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your convictions is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let men label you as they may. If you alone of all the nation shall decide one way, and that way be the right way according to your convictions of the right, you have done your duty by yourself and by your country — hold up your head! You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Essay (1909 ca.), Papers of the Adams Family, ch. 6 “Two Fragments from a Suppressed Book Called ‘Glances at History’ or ‘Outlines of History'”
(Source)

Collected in Letters from the Earth (c. 1909; pub. 1962) [ed. DeVoto (1939)]

Twain, Mark -- In More Maxims of Mark [ed. M. Johnson (1925)]

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
In More Maxims of Mark [ed. M. Johnson (1925)]

Twain, Mark -- In The North American Review (1906)

Dave — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 23:22:30 +0000

It is a dear and lovely disposition, and a most valuable one, that can brush away indignities and discourtesies and seek and find the pleasanter features of an experience.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
In The North American Review (1906)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- In Albert Bigelow Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography, ch. 38 (1912)

Dave — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 01:12:39 +0000

In trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity affords a relief denied even to prayer.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
In Albert Bigelow Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography, ch. 38 (1912)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Inscription (1908-02), Eve’s Diary (1906-06)

Dave — Fri, 27 Feb 2026 22:27:01 +0000

Clothes make the man, but they do not improve the woman.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Inscription (1908-02), Eve’s Diary (1906-06)
(Source)

Handwritten inscription in the front of a first edition of Eve's Dairy. The book was banned in several locations for including illustrations (by Lester Ralph) showing a naked Eve.

See also Twain for more information.

Twain, Mark -- Interview (1889) by Rudyard Kipling, Elmira, New York, From Sea to Sea, Part 2, ch. 37 “An Interview with Mark Twain” (1899)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Interview (1889) by Rudyard Kipling, Elmira, New York, From Sea to Sea, Part 2, ch. 37 “An Interview with Mark Twain” (1899)
(Source)

Broader context:

"Personally I never care for fiction or story-books. What I like to read about are facts and statistics of any kind. If they are only facts about the raising of radishes, they interest me. Just now, for instance, before you came in" -- he pointed to an encyclopædia on the shelves -- "I was reading an article about 'Mathematics.' Perfectly pure mathematics.
"My own knowledge of mathematics stops at 'twelve times twelve,' but I enjoyed that article immensely. I didn't understand a word of it: but facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are always delightful. That mathematical fellow believed in his facts. So do I. Get your facts first, and" -- the voice dies away to an almost inaudible drone -- "then you can distort 'em as much as you please."

Variant: "Get the facts first. You can distort them later."

For more discussion of this quotation, see "Get your facts first, and then you can distort them… (Barry Popik).

Twain, Mark -- Last written note

Dave — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 12:32:23 +0000

Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all — the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Last written note
(Source)

Recorded by A. Paine (his literary executor), Mark Twain: A Biography, Vol III, Part 2, ch. 293 (1912).

Twain, Mark -- Letter (1876-09-01) to Annie Webster

Dave — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:28:15 +0000

A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter (1876-09-01) to Annie Webster
(Source)

This quote is widely cited, but I was unable to find a decent source for it online.

Twain, Mark -- Letter (1901-02-16) to the Young People’s Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian Church, Brooklyn

Dave — Mon, 26 Aug 2013 12:08:02 +0000

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter (1901-02-16) to the Young People’s Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian Church, Brooklyn
(Source)

The Society had invited Twain to come and speak. In response, he sent a card with this aphorism on it. A reproduction is in the frontispiece of Bernard DeVoto, ed., Mark Twain in Eruption (1922), which was the earliest citation I could find.

Twain, Mark -- Letter (1906-10-09) to Maude Adams, advertisement in the Boston Globe

Dave — Tue, 29 Jul 2025 19:48:42 +0000

It is my belief that Peter Pan is a great and refining and uplifting benefaction to this sordid and money-mad age; and that the next best play on the boards is a long way behind it as long as you play Peter.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter (1906-10-09) to Maude Adams, advertisement in the Boston Globe
(Source)

(Source (Image)). Adams played Peter Pan during its New York debut in 1905, and had the role when Twain saw it in November of that year; Twain submitted the advertisement to the Globe prior to the show's opening in Boston.

Quoted in Maria Tatar, The Annotated Peter Pan (2011) and in Phyllis Robbins, Maude Adams: An Intimate Portrait (1956) (also referenced contemporaneously here).

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Gertrude Natkin (1906-03-02)

Dave — Thu, 21 Dec 2023 21:40:05 +0000

Compliments make me vain: & when I am vain, I am insolent & overbearing. It is a pity, too, because I love compliments. I love them even when they are not so. My child, I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Gertrude Natkin (1906-03-02)
(Source)

In a similar vein, his biographer, Albert Bigelow Paine, in Mark Twain: A Biography, Vol. 4, ch. 250 (1912), recalled Clemens saying: "I can live for two months on a good compliment."

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Henry Alden (11 Nov 1906)

Dave — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 12:56:47 +0000

How often we recall, with regret, that Napoleon once shot at a magazine editor and missed him and killed a publisher. But we remember, with charity, that his intentions were good.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Henry Alden (11 Nov 1906)

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Louis Pendleton (4 Aug 1888)

Dave — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 14:24:59 +0000

A man’s private thought can never be a lie; what he thinks, is to him the truth, always.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Louis Pendleton (4 Aug 1888)

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Mrs. F. G. Whitmore (1907-02-07)

Dave — Wed, 23 Aug 2023 16:18:38 +0000

But the truth is, that when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn’t anger me.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Mrs. F. G. Whitmore (1907-02-07)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Mrs. Foote (1887-12-02)

Dave — Mon, 18 Sep 2023 22:29:48 +0000

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Mrs. Foote (1887-12-02)
(Source)

First reprinted, upon the letter's rediscovery, in The Los Angeles Times (1930-03-16). A facsimile of the discovered letter (with the above punctuation) can be found in B. DeCasseres, When Huck Finn Went Highbrow (1934).

For more discussion about this quotation's origin: All You Need In This Life Is Ignorance and Confidence; Then Success Is Sure – Quote Investigator®.

Twain, Mark -- Letter to Orion Clemens (23 Mar 1878)

Dave — Thu, 22 Dec 2022 16:03:54 +0000

Unexpected money is a delight. The same sum is a bitterness when you expected more.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to Orion Clemens (23 Mar 1878)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Letter to the Editor of the New York World (23 Dec 1890)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 16:00:00 +0000

It is my heart-warm and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us — the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage — may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss — except the inventor of the telephone.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to the Editor of the New York World (23 Dec 1890)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Letter to W.D. Howells (2 Apr 1899)

Dave — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:46:23 +0000

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter to W.D. Howells (2 Apr 1899)

Twain, Mark -- Letter, San Francisco Alta California (15 Mar 1867)

Dave — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 12:32:03 +0000

They do say that when a man starts down hill everybody is ready to help him with a kick, and I suppose it is so.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Letter, San Francisco Alta California (15 Mar 1867)

Twain, Mark -- Note (1893-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 19:38:11 +0000

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1893-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

While summering in Kaltenleutgeben, Austria.

The core phrase, from the Latin "Magna est veritas et prævalebit," was first formulated in English by Thomas Brooks. An earlier variant can be found in Cicero, Pro Caelio Rufo (56 BC): "How great is the power of truth" [O magna vis veritas].

Twain, Mark -- Note (1896-02), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 24 “Ceylon and India” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Thu, 05 Aug 2021 01:22:18 +0000

Why, it is the prohibition that makes anything precious. There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1896-02), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 24 “Ceylon and India” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

Speaking of Adam and the original Forbidden Fruit. Written while in Bombay, India.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1896-11-26), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 27 “England” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 00:39:40 +0000

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1896-11-26), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 27 “England” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

Written while in Guilford, England, shortly after the death of his daughter Susy in America.

Often given as "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." More discussion here.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1897-05-31), paraphrased

Dave — Wed, 02 Feb 2022 22:49:20 +0000

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1897-05-31), paraphrased
(Source)

This was based on a statement Mark Twain gave to Frank Marshall White, a British correspondent of the New York Journal (later misremembered by Twain as the New York Evening Sun). White had received a cable from America on 1897-05-28 to get information that Twain was on his deathbed. White tracked him down in London and gave a written inquiry. Twain wrote out a note (with a number of emendations) saying:

James Ross Clemens, a cousin of mine, was seriously ill two or three weeks ago in London but is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness; the report of my death was an exaggeration.

White's article with the response was published on the front page of the Journal on 1897-06-02. The longhand note is still preserved. Twain also recorded it in his notebook that same day.

In 1906, Twain recalled the incident for his memoir that he told the reporter (verbally), "Say the report is exaggerated." On retyping the manuscript 1906-04-03, he scribbled the word "greatly" in front of "exaggerated," and it was published that way in "Chapters from My Autobiography," The North American Review, Vol. 183, No. 599 (1906-09-21).

In Albert B. Paine's Mark Twain, a Biography, Vol. 2, ch. 197 (1912), the story is that Twain told the correspondent, "Just say the report of my death has been grossly exaggerated." In the 1935 edition, this was changed to the text from the original note.

Bernard DeVoto's 1940 Twain autobiography, Mark Twain in Eruption, uses the North American Review version, without the "greatly."

Further discussion and details:

Twain, Mark -- Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 13:32:26 +0000

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: This is the ideal life.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

Written while summering at a resort outside of Vienna. Paine notes, "Written in the Archduchess's album" (referring to Marie Theresa of Austria).

Twain, Mark -- Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 18:45:33 +0000

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 17:28:33 +0000

There has only been one Christian. They caught Him and crucified Him early.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Thu, 01 Aug 2024 15:16:16 +0000

LIFE
We laugh and laugh,
Then cry and cry —
Then feebler laugh,
Then die.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1898-07-04)), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Fri, 21 Jul 2017 20:43:24 +0000

There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1898-07-04)), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

While summering in Kaltenleutgeben, Austria.

Twain, Mark -- Note (1902-12-30), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 23 “Back in America” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]

Dave — Mon, 17 Nov 2014 14:37:24 +0000

Only he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1902-12-30), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 23 “Back in America” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Preface

Dave — Fri, 19 Jun 2026 22:30:36 +0000

The question as to whether there is such a thing as divine right of kings is not settled in this book. It was found too difficult. That the executive head of a nation should be a person of lofty character and extraordinary ability, was manifest and indisputable; that none but the Deity could select that head unerringly, was also manifest and indisputable; that the Deity ought to make that selection, then, was likewise manifest and indisputable; consequently, that He does make it, as claimed, was an unavoidable deduction. I mean, until the author of this book encountered the Pompadour, and Lady Castlemaine, and some other executive heads of that kind; these were found so difficult to work into the scheme, that it was judged better to take the other tack in this book (which must be issued this fall), and then go into training and settle the question in another book. It is, of course, a thing which ought to be settled, and I am not going to have anything particular to do next winter anyway.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Preface
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Part 3 “The Tale of the Lost Land,” ch. 6 “The Eclipse”

Dave — Fri, 26 Jun 2026 19:16:20 +0000

I followed their eyes, as sure as guns, there was my eclipse beginning! The life went boiling through my veins; I was a new man! The rim of black spread slowly into the sun’s disk, my heart beat higher and higher, and still the assemblage and the priest stared into the sky, motionless. I knew that this gaze would be turned upon me, next. When it was, I was ready. I was in one of the most grand attitudes I ever struck, with my arm stretched up pointing to the sun. It was a noble effect.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Part 3 “The Tale of the Lost Land,” ch. 6 “The Eclipse”
(Source)

The Yankee, having been saved at the last moment from being burned at the stake.

Twain, Mark -- Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Part 3 “The Tale of the Lost Land,” ch. 8 “The Boss”

Dave — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 23:32:01 +0000

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing; but to have the onlooking world consent to it is a finer.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Part 3 “The Tale of the Lost Land,” ch. 8 “The Boss”
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Novel (1889), A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Part 3 “The Tale of the Lost Land,” ch. 8 “The Boss”

Dave — Fri, 17 Jul 2026 20:10:17 +0000

Inherited ideas are a curious thing, and interesting to observe and examine. I had mine, the king and his people had theirs. In both cases they flowed in ruts worn deep by time and habit, and the man who should have proposed to divert them by reason and argument would have had a long contract on his hands.

Twain, Mark -- Paper delivered in Hartford (1884)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Loyalty to petrified opinions never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul in this world — and never will.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Paper delivered in Hartford (1884)

First part (to "soul") engraved on Twain's bust in the National Hall of Fame, New York University.

Twain, Mark -- Quoted in Albert Bigelow Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography, Vol. 4, ch. 264 (1922)

Dave — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 17:37:28 +0000

As to a hereafter, we have not the slightest evidence that there is any — no evidence that appeals to logic and reason. I have never seen what to me seemed an atom of proof that there is a future life. And yet — I am strongly inclined to expect one.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Quoted in Albert Bigelow Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography, Vol. 4, ch. 264 (1922)
(Source)

Twain, Mark -- Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)
(Source)

Not found in a primary source. Johnson's 1927 work is a 15-page pamphlet, generally considered authentic.

More discussion of the quote and its origins: Quote Origin: Clothes Make the Man. Naked People Have Little or No Influence in Society – Quote Investigator®.

Twain is riffing off of a phrase ("clothes make the man") found in ancient Greek and Roman proverbs, including the Latin vestis virum facit, which passed into 15th Century English, and even shows up in Shakespeare. More information here: The Fascinating Origin of “Clothes Make the Man” | by Alexander Atkins | Medium.

See also this associated Twain quote.

Twain, Mark -- Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)

Dave — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 13:01:35 +0000

The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)
(Source)

Not found in a primary source. Johnson was a rare book collector who published the first thorough bibilography of Twain's works in 1910. His 1927 work is a 15-page pamphlet, generally considered authentic by scholars, but it provides no other context for the saying.

For more information on the history of this quotation, see Quote Origin: The Trouble Ain’t That There Is Too Many Fools, But That the Lightning Ain’t Distributed Right – Quote Investigator®.

Variant: "The trouble isn’t that there are too many fools, but that the lightning isn’t distributed right."

Twain, Mark -- Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)

Dave — Thu, 26 Dec 2024 19:24:32 +0000

Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Quoted in Merle Johnson, ed., More Maxims of Mark (1927)
(Source)

Not found in a primary source. Johnson was a rare book collector who published the first thorough bibliography of Twain's works in 1910. His 1927 work is a 15-page pamphlet, generally considered authentic by scholars, but it provides no other context for the saying.

Twain, Mark -- Speech, Society of the Army of the Tennessee Annual Meeting, Chicago (12 Nov 1879)

Dave — Tue, 25 Aug 2020 16:06:58 +0000

But I never was happy, never could make a good impromptu speech without several hours to prepare it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Speech, Society of the Army of the Tennessee Annual Meeting, Chicago (12 Nov 1879)
(Source)

Twain made quips along this line several times, though there is no evidence he said the more frequently quoted "It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." For more discussion, see here.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1868?), “Extract from Captain Stormfield’s Visit to Heaven,” Part 1, Harper’s Monthly Magazine, Vol. 116, No. 691 (1907-12)

Dave — Thu, 30 Mar 2017 19:51:39 +0000

You see, happiness ain’t a thing in itself — it’s only a contrast with something that ain’t pleasant. That’s all it is. There ain’t a thing you can mention that is happiness in its own self — it’s only so by contrast with the other thing. And so, as soon as the novelty is over and the force of the contrast dulled, it ain’t happiness any longer, and you have to get something fresh.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1868?), “Extract from Captain Stormfield’s Visit to Heaven,” Part 1, Harper’s Monthly Magazine, Vol. 116, No. 691 (1907-12)
(Source)

Sam Bartlett to the narrator about why there is pain and suffering in Heaven (so that there can be happiness as a contrast).

First published in book form in 1909. More about the writing and publishing history here.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1892), The American Claimant, ch. 2 [Col. Sellers]

Dave — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 14:53:07 +0000

But banish care, it’s no time for it now — on with the dance, let joy be unconfined is my motto, whether there’s any dance to dance; or any joy to unconfine — you’ll be the healthier for it every time, — every time, Washington — it’s my experience, and I’ve seen a good deal of this world.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1892), The American Claimant, ch. 2 [Col. Sellers]
(Source)

The Colonel is riffing from Byron (1818).

Twain, Mark -- Story (1893), “Extracts from Adam’s Diary,” The Niagara Book

Dave — Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:00:00 +0000

[S]he brought some of those apples. I was obliged to eat them, I was so hungry. It was against my principles, but I find that principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1893), “Extracts from Adam’s Diary,” The Niagara Book
(Source)

This was first published as one of the stories and sketches from various authors in The Niagara Book: A Complete Souvenir of Niagara Falls (1893), mentioning the story as "The Earliest Authentic Mention of Niagara Falls" (so named by Eve on the first Tuesday).

The story was first collected in a Twain collection in 1903 (My Debut as a Literary Person with Other Essays and Stories), and published as an independent book with this title in 1904.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1899-12), “The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg,” ch. 4, Harper’s Monthly, Vol. 100, No. 595

Dave — Mon, 27 Feb 2023 22:56:18 +0000

A sin takes on new and real terrors when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out. This gives it a fresh and most substantial and important aspect.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1899-12), “The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg,” ch. 4, Harper’s Monthly, Vol. 100, No. 595
(Source)

(Source (Alternate)). First collected in The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg and Other Stories and Essays (1900).

Twain, Mark -- Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)

Dave — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:28:56 +0000

Remember this, take it to heart, live by it, die for it if necessary: that our patriotism is medieval, outworn, obsolete; that the modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism is loyalty to the nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)
(Source)

Advice that Russian mothers should be giving their children.

Sometimes paraphrased: "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

Twain, Mark -- Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)

Dave — Fri, 08 May 2026 20:18:49 +0000

A strange thing, when one considers it: to wit, the world applies to Czar and System the same moral axioms that have vogue and acceptance in civilized countries! Because, in civilized countries, it is wrong to remove oppressors otherwise than by process of law, it is held that the same rule applies in Russia, where there is no such thing as law — except for our Family. Laws are merely restraints — they have no other function. In civilized countries they restrain all persons, and restrain them all alike, which is fair and righteous; but in Russia such laws as exist make an exception — our Family. We do as we please; we have done as we pleased for centuries. Our common trade has been crime, our common pastime murder, our common beverage blood — the blood of the nation. Upon our heads lie millions of murders. Yet the pious moralist says it is a crime to assassinate us. We and our uncles are a family of cobras set over a hundred and forty million rabbits, whom we torture and murder and feed upon all our days; yet the moralist urges that to kill us is a crime, not a duty.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)
(Source)

Meant to be the musings of Czar Alexander III, whom Twain detested, about the morality of assassinating people such as himself.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)

Dave — Fri, 29 May 2026 07:25:06 +0000

Ah! what could our Family do without the moralist? He has always been our stay, our support, our friend; today he is our only friend. Whenever there has been dark talk of assassination, he has come forward and saved us with his impressive maxim, “Forbear: nothing politically valuable was ever yet achieved by violence.” He probably believes it. It is because he has by him no child’s book of world-history to teach him that his maxim lacks the backing of statistics. All thrones have been established by violence; no regal tyranny has ever been overthrown except by violence; by violence my fathers set up our throne; by murder, treachery, perjury, torture, banishment and prison they have held it for four centuries, and by these same arts I hold it today. There is no Romanoff of learning and experience but would reverse the maxim and say: “Nothing politically valuable was ever yet achieved except by violence.”

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1905-02-02), “The Czar’s Soliloquy,” North American Review, Vol. 180, No. 580 (1905-03)
(Source)

Meant to be the musings of Czar Alexander III, whom Twain detested, about the morality of assassinating people such as himself.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1905-12), “Eve’s Diary,” Harper’s Magazine, Vol. 112, No. 1

Dave — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 12:54:34 +0000

How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it!

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1905-12), “Eve’s Diary,” Harper’s Magazine, Vol. 112, No. 1
(Source)

On Adam's admiration for her (Eve) having properly named the dodo.

Published in June, 1906, as its own (illustrated) book.

Twain, Mark -- Story (1905), “The War Prayer”

Dave — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:59:17 +0000

“You heard these words: ‘Grant us the victory, O Lord our God!’ That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory — must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!
“O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle — be Thou near them! With them — in spirit — we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it — for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
(After a pause.) “Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits!”

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1905), “The War Prayer”
(Source)

A mysterious man speaking to a church congregation gathered to pray for the victory of their local men going off to war.

The story was originally written after the Spanish-American War and during the Philippine-American War. It was rejected at the time by Harper's Bazaar on 1905-03-22 as "too radical" and "not quite suited to a woman's magazine." He was further discouraged by his family, friends, and publishers from publishing something so "sacrilegious."

It's frequently claimed that the story was eventually published in Harper's Magazine, Vol 80, No. 798 (1916-11), during World War I. In reality, that issue only contains Part 7 (the last installment) of his The Mysterious Stranger (a different story).

It was not published until collected in Europe and Elsewhere (1923) [ed. Paine].

Twain, Mark -- Story (1916), The Mysterious Stranger, ch. 10

Dave — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:11:51 +0000

For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon — laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution — these can lift at a colossal humbug — push it a little — weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. You are always fussing and fighting with your other weapons. Do you ever use that one? No; you leave it lying rusting. As a race, do you ever use it at all? No; you lack sense and the courage.

Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Story (1916), The Mysterious Stranger, ch. 10
(Source)

Satan speaking. Often paraphrased: "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

The novella was published posthumously (and with significant alterations by Twain's executor).

The above is taken from the Paine-Duneka text. An earlier version (of this story and passage) appear in The Chronicle of Young Satan, ch. 10 (c. 1898-12):

For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon -- laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution -- these can lift at a colossal humbug, -- push it a little -- crowd it a little -- weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand. You are always fussing and fighting with your other weapons: do you ever use that one? No, you leave it lying rusting. As a race, do you ever use it at all? No -- you lack sense and the courage.