CALVIN: That’s love?!?

HOBBES: Medically speaking.

CALVIN: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!

CALVIN: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?

CALVIN: It’s not fair!

CALVIN’S DAD: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.

CALVIN: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

HOBBES: Do you think there’s a God?

CALVIN: Well somebody’s out to get me.

CALVIN: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about … idiots, explosives and falling anvils.

CALVIN: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

CALVIN: I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

CALVIN: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

CALVIN’S DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.

CALVIN: I came from Sears??

CALVIN’S DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.

CALVIN: AAUUGHHH!

CALVIN’S MOM [off panel]: Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!

CALVIN’S DAD: I can’t tell you.

CALVIN: Why not?

CALVIN’S DAD: It’s a secret.

CALVIN: No it isn’t! You just don’t know!

CALVIN: My life needs a rewind/erase button.

HOBBES: … And a volume control.

CALVIN: Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion, rather than face an occasional bleak truth?

CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn’t make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn’t he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn’t exist, what’s the meaning of all this?

HOBBES: I dunno … isn’t this a religious holiday?

CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I’ve got the same questions about God.

HOBBES: What convinced you?

CALVIN: A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of belief? Heck, I’ll believe anything they want.

HOBBES: How cynically enterprising of you.

CALVIN: It’s the spirit of Christmas.

HOBBES: Nah.

CALVIN: Oh, I do.

HOBBES: Really? How come?

CALVIN: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.

CALVIN: There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

HOBBES: Nope. That’s one of the perks of being feral.

CALVIN: I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

CALVIN: I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in thirty minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns.

CALVIN: I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified.

CALVIN (as the wagon flies off a cliff): Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns.

CALVIN (as he and Hobbes tumble in mid-air): Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?

HOBBES (as they pick themselves up from the ground): I think my life is too featherbrained already.

CALVIN: Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?

CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

CALVIN’S DAD: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just the world was black and white then.

CALVIN: Really?

CALVIN’S DAD: Yep. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

CALVIN: That’s really weird.

CALVIN’S DAD: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

CALVIN: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?

CALVIN’S DAD: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

CALVIN: But … but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?

CALVIN’S DAD: Of course, but they turned colors like everything did in the ’30s.

CALVIN: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color, too?

CALVIN’S DAD: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

CALVIN [Later, in a tree]: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes.

HOBBES: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.

CALVIN: Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?

HOBBES: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.

CALVIN: I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break!

CALVIN: I’d say that crossed the line from Ironic Coincidence to Evil Omen.

CALVIN: Oh, Great Altar of Passive Entertainment … Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!

HOBBES: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.

HOBBES: I think our actions show what’s in our hearts.

CALVIN: (after consideration) I resent that!

HOBBES: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

CALVIN: It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.

HOBBES: “Look down the road.”

HOBBES: (stating the obvious) We’re here to devour each other alive.

CALVIN: (back in the house, yelling) Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!

HOBBES: What’s that?

CALVIN: “Snow goons are bad news.”

HOBBES: That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere.

CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

CALVIN: I think grown-ups just act like they know what they’re doing.

HOBBES: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.

CALVIN: (after a pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.

HOBBES: What’s your price?

CALVIN: Two bucks cold cash up front.

HOBBES: I don’t know which is worse, … that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

HOBBES: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.

CALVIN: It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

HOBBES: Have you an idea for your story yet?

CALVIN: No, I’m waiting for inspiration. You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

HOBBES: What mood is that?

CALVIN: Last-minute panic.

CALVIN: I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

CALVIN: A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

HOBBES: You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!

CALVIN: I’m a simple man with complex tastes.

CALVIN: It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.

HOBBES: Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff.

CALVIN: Hmmm … I think I see the problem.

HOBBES: “Quick! To the Bat-Fax!”

CALVIN: Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life, and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched?

HOBBES: Is it a right to remain ignorant?

CALVIN: I don’t know, but I refuse to find out!

CALVIN: (wearing a mask and cape, scribbling on his test) Stupendous Man’s stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The Battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The Cotton Gin! (runs from the classroom) Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long kids! Always brush your teeth! KAPWINGGG!

CALVIN: If Mom and Dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.

CALVIN: I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.

HOBBES: Why is that?

CALVIN: I’ve discoved my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.

HOBBES: Oh, really?

CALVIN: Yes. I am here so everybody can do what I want.

HOBBES: It’s nice to have that cleared up.

CALVIN: Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene, too.

HOBBES: Well, the important thing is that we tried our best.

CALVIN: The important thing is that we lost!

HOBBES: Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.

CALVIN: What’s the point of trying if you can’t be a winner?

TEACHER: Yes?

CALVIN: Given that, sooner or later, we’re all just going to die, what’s the point of learning about integers?

TEACHER: Turn to page 83, class.

CALVIN: (sulking) Nobody likes us “big picture” people.

CALVIN: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

CALVIN: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail … or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed?
On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction … but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either.
Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. … then again, that doesn’t justify my cheating.
Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn’t such a big deal. It doesn’t hurt anyone … but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying.
Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles … then again, maybe that’s why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma!

HOBBES: So what did you decide?

CALVIN: Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper.

HOBBES: Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory.

CALVIN: Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.

HOBBES: You’re ignorant, but at least you act on it.

CALVIN: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

HOBBES: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re in a tragedy or a farce.

CALVIN: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

CALVIN: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.

CALVIN: (writing, after a moment of inspiration) Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.

CALVIN: Some days you get up and you already know that things aren’t going to go well. They’re the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging.

HOBBES: It would seem you were born for the job.

CALVIN: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old!

HOBBES: Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you’ve got no fangs, you can’t see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don’t even have tails! Of course people aren’t content!

CALVIN: Forget I said anything.

HOBBES: Now if tigers weren’t content, that would be something to wonder about.

CALVIN: I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button and have anything I want.

HOBBES: The American Dream lives on.

CALVIN: Why should I have to work for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!

CALVIN: (grinning evilly) It’s a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You’ll never, ever know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I’ll never end your torment!

CALVIN: (laughing) I’ll carry my secret to the grave! It’s the Show and Tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!

CALVIN: (walking toward the Principal’s door, sulking) Everybody wants the same old thing.

HOBBES: Whatcha doin’?

CALVIN: Looking for frogs.

HOBBES: How come?

CALVIN: I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.

HOBBES: Ah. But of course.

CALVIN: My mandate also includes weird bugs.

CALVIN: How come grown-ups don’t go out to play?

CALVIN’S DAD: Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they’d rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance.

CALVIN: That sounds like a job.

CALVIN’S DAD: … Except you don’t get paid.

CALVIN: So play is worse than work?

CALVIN’S DAD: Being a grown-up is tough.

CALVIN: Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

CALVIN: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

CALVIN’S DAD: Because it’s cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun.

CALVIN: Is that true?

CALVIN’S DAD: Look it up and find out.

CALVIN: (stomping off, frowning) I should just look stuff up in the first place.

CALVIN’S DAD: You can learn a lot, talking to me.

HOBBES: How cynically unconstructive.

CALVIN: Enmity sells.

CALVIN: Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their head.

HOBBES: I wonder which you are.

CALVIN: I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!

CALVIN’S MOM: There would be more civility in this world if people didn’t take it as an invitation to walk on you.

CALVIN: Know what’s weird? Day by day nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything is different.

CALVIN: No one recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.