If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)
Per Snopes.com’s entry on the “16 Things…” list (found here) and Barry’s website FAQs (found here), these items originated in a piece called “25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years” and can be found in the book Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998). The “16 Things…” list is a popular email which has been edited and rearranged so much in the 15+ years since its creation that Barry’s website states he “…wrote something like it…[but] you can no longer count on anything in it being Dave’s actual work.”
The original piece (including all 25 items) can be found here.