A Reverend Donald Wildmon in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio? Two. Knobs. On the radio. Of course, I’m sure the reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it … But hey, Reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! One of them turns the radio off, and the other one changes the station! Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station! It’s called freedom of choice, and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library, Reverend, if you have any of them left when you’ve finished burning all the books.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
“What Am I Doing in New Jersey?” (1988)
Quotations by:
Carlin, George
Religion — easily — has the Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told! Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, He has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time! But He loves you! He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise — somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, holy shit!
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
“You Are All Diseased,” HBO Special (1999-02-06)
(Source)
Reprinted, slightly edited, in Napalm & Silly Putty (2001):
Religion -- easily -- has the Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told! Think about it: religion has actually convinced people -- many of them adults -- that there's an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And who has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time! But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money. He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow ... he just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes, and somehow always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy shit!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Anyone who goes faster than me is an idiot. Anyone who goes slower than me is a moron. “Look at that idiot! Get outta my way, you moron! Look at that idiot!”
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Just think how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are even stupider!
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1997)
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)
Folks, I hate to spoil your fun, but — there’s no such thing as rights. Okay? They’re imaginary. We made ’em up. […] If you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia I want you to type in “Japanese-American 1942,” and you’ll find all about your precious fucking rights, okay? […] Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took ’em away. And rights aren’t “rights” if someone can take ’em away — they’re privileges.
That’s all we’ve ever had in this country is a Bill of Temporary Privileges. And if you read the news, even badly, you know that every year list gets shorter and shorter and shorter.
This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)
If you’ll scratch a cynic, you’ll find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview by Marc Cooper, The Progressive (Jul 2001)
(Source)
A documented case of a phrase Carlin frequently used, though not original with him. Often quoted as "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
It’s always sort of amused me that mankind has been able to come up with a lot of things, two of them being napalm — which is a jellied substance that burns the skin and kills — and Silly Putty, which is something that you can press onto a comic and see a backwards picture of Popeye. And somewhere between these two extremes lies our truth. And I don’t know how good we are at pursuing it.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview by Marc Cooper, The Progressive (Jul 2001)
(Source)
Discussing the title of his new book, Napalm and Silly Putty.
But the thing I must point out is that my despair is of the group itself, the group as it’s assembled. And I’ve never identified with the “local group,” no matter what it identifies itself as. But I do cherish, and love, and am thrilled by individuals. People, one by one as I meet them, I find are wondrous. When you have time to listen and watch them, when you look them in the eyes, you see all the potential of the whole thing, this whole species that has such a wonderful gift that was given by nature. The mind, the ability to objectify and to think abstractly. And we’ve wasted it by everyone wanting a fanny pack and to go to the mall and to be paying 18 percent interest on things that we don’t need, don’t want, don’t work, and can’t give back.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview by Marc Cooper, The Progressive (Jul 2001)
(Source)