If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Soviet Weekly, article
And now, will y’all stand and be recognized?
(Other Authors and Sources)
Gib Lewis, Speaker of the Texas State House, 1983-93
To a group in wheelchairs on Disability Day
Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity.
(Other Authors and Sources)
IRS Form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts — not the facts themselves.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Cohen’s Law
“Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham — obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am.”
Sig Lines
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He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Qur’an
Each one should judge his own conduct. If it is good, then he can be proud of what he himself has done, without having to compare it with what someone else has done. For everyone has to carry his own load.
The Bible (The New Testament) (AD 1st - 2nd C) Christian sacred scripture
Galatians 6:4-5
There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour.
The Bible (The Old Testament) (14th - 2nd C BC) Judeo-Christian sacred scripture [Tanakh, Hebrew Bible], incl. the Apocrypha (Deuterocanonicals)
Ecclesiastes 2:24 [KJV (1611)]
(Source)
Alternate translations:
There is no happiness for man but to eat and drink and to be content with his work.
[JB (1966)]
The best thing we can do is eat and drink and enjoy what we have earned.
[GNT (1976)]
There is nothing worthwhile for a man but to eat and drink and afford himself enjoyment with his means.
[JPS (1985)]
There is nothing better for mortals than to eat and drink and find enjoyment in their toil.
[NRSV (1989 ed.)]
“Never assume anything except a 4% mortgage.”
Sig Lines
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There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future.
Mirza Aḥmad Sohráb (1890-1958) Persian-American author, Baháʼí dissident
A Persian Rosary of Nineteen Pearls (1929)
I am unable to find an extant copy of Sohrab's book; despite his involvement with some of the early principals of the Baháʼí faith, he was eventually expelled from the group, and his writings, already marginally published, are now difficult to find. Even the publication dates of various editions of this work are unclear. But there are references to this quote being sourced there (1, 2, 3, 4).
This book should not be confused with the Persian Rosary (1257), a compendium of ethics by Persian poet Eddin Sadi.
Often misattributed to St. Augustine of Hippo, or referred to as being from an "ancient Persian Mass." There is no indication, though, that Sohrab borrowed the phrase from Oscar Wilde's similar statement.
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Scottish proverb
Two things indicate weakness — to be silent when it is proper to speak, and to speak when it is proper to be silent.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Persian proverb
He who knows nothing doubts nothing.
(Other Authors and Sources)
French proverb
The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Japanese proverb
Maybe if you live in a country that’s a monarchy, this book’s worth reading, but this is America, ok? The whole reason we live in a democracy is so that we the people don’t have to worry about things like this.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Customer Review of 1984 on Amazon.com (7 May 2000)
Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
(Other Authors and Sources)
French proverb
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor would make a wonderful living.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Jewish proverb
“It’s a good thing money can’t buy happiness. Can you imagine the commercials?”
Sig Lines
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“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”
Sig Lines
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[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Abdulla Ahmar, speaker of the Yemeni parliament
I think we are all willing to have a little bit of crud in our lungs and a full stomach rather than a whole bunch of clean air and nothing to eat. And I don’t want a bunch of environmentalists and Communists telling me what’s good for me and my family.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Texas State Rep. Billy Williamson (who has since died of lung cancer)
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Dept. of Social Services, Greenville, So. Carolina
“If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.”
Sig Lines
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THE DOCTOR: The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don’t alter their views to the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Doctor Who
THE DOCTOR: What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it?
(Other Authors and Sources)
Doctor Who
Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
(Other Authors and Sources)
African proverb
It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
“Women’s breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They’re meant for kids, but usually it’s the fathers who wind up playin’ with them.”
Sig Lines
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WILLOW: Ass-kicking always makes a good Plan B.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Earthquakes don’t kill people. Houses do.”
Sig Lines
~
The time and effort required to complete a project are always more than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Hofstadtler’s Law
MOJO JOJO: You’ve got to be kidding! I’m wet! I’m naked! Your sister is wearing my clothes! And this is all part of some evil plot to RULE THE WORLD AS A SOGGY CHIMP IN MY BIRTHDAY SUIT!
(Other Authors and Sources)
Power Puff Girls
There is nothing noble in being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Hindu proverb
MAYOR: My god, what a feeling. The power of these creatures. It suffuses my being. I can feel the changes begin. My organs are shifting, merging, making ready for the Ascension. Plus these babies are high in fiber, and what’s the fun of becoming an immortal demon if you’re not regular, am I right?
(Other Authors and Sources)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Graduation, Part 1”
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation faultSig Lines
Haiku error message
Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
PROSECUTOR: Can you identify the man who held up your store?
WITNESS (pointing at defendant): Yes. That’s him.
DEFENDANT (leaping up): I should have blown your bleeping head off! [Pause] If I’d been the one that was there.(Other Authors and Sources)
Courtroom testimony in an Oklahoma trial
If you disclose your alms, even then it is well done, but if you keep them secret, and give them to the poor, then that is better still for you; and this wipes off from you some of your evil deeds.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Qur’an
BARBARELLA: A good many dramatic situations begin with screaming.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Barbarella (1968)
He who publicly shames his neighbor is as though he shed blood.
The Talmud (AD 200-500) Collection of Jewish rabbinical writings
Baba Mezia 58b
“I refuse to star in your psychodrama.”
Sig Lines
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“How do I set a laser printer to stun?”
Sig Lines
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“I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”
Sig Lines
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The map of Europe, Northern Africa, and the Arab nations published in Monday’s editions contained the following errors: Libya was labeled as the Ukraine; Bulgaria and Romania were transposed; Bosnia-Herzegovina was identified as Bosnia; Montenegro should have been identified as a separate state bordering Serbia; Cyprus and the West Bank were not labeled; Andorra, a country between France and Spain, was not labeled; the Crimean Peninsula appeared twice on the Black Sea; Kuwait was not identified by name — instead, the initials of the Knight-Ridder News Service were in its place.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Norfolk (Va.) Virginian-Pilot (correction)
Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?Sig Lines
Haiku error message
XANDER: Who’s the little fear demon? Come on, who’s the little fear demon?
GILES: Don’t taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why, can he hurt me?
GILES: No. It’s just … tacky.(Other Authors and Sources)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fear, Itself”
Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Bhagavad Gita (500? BC)
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Cannon’s Comment
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Aldo Leopold (1887-1948) American conservationist, forester, ecologist
A Sand County Almanac (1949)
Sometimes known as "Ehrlich's Law," and attributed to Paul Ehrlich in the Saturday Review (5 Jun 1971) , though Ehrlich attributed it to Leopold.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Peer’s Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Anthony’s Law of the Workshop