“I am not looking for realism: I’m looking for functionality.”
Sig Lines
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“Real programmers don’t document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.”
Sig Lines
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“Any problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.”
Sig Lines
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“To know recursion, you must first know recursion.”
Sig Lines
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“Always remember there are certain people who set their watches by your clock.”
Sig Lines
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“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.”
Sig Lines
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Most Obscure Warning Award: “If you fork() without ever waiting on your children, you will accumulate zombies.”
(Other Authors and Sources)
PERLFUNC man page
“Where are we going? And why are we in a hand basket?”
Sig Lines
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“Well, if you didn’t struggle so much, you wouldn’t get rope burns.”
Sig Lines
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“People don’t kill people. Bad instruction sets kill people.”
Sig Lines
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“The NSA is now funding research not only in cryptography, but in all areas of advanced mathematics. If you’d like a circular describing these new research opportunities, just pick up your phone, call your mother, and ask for one.”
Sig Lines
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“I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said: ‘I drank what?'”
Sig Lines
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“Anyone who isn’t confused here doesn’t really know what’s going on.”
Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the children look like?”Sig Lines
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“Where’s the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!”
Sig Lines
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“Come, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.”
Sig Lines
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“That’s it, man. Game over, man! It’s game over!”
Sig Lines
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“A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.”Sig Lines
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Alternate: "A conservative is a liberal who's been robbed. A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested."
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?”
(Other Authors and Sources)
Brady’s First Law of Problem Solving
“It isn’t what you know that counts, it’s what you think of in time.”
Sig Lines
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“I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.”
Sig Lines
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
(Other Authors and Sources)
A Bit of Frye and Laurie
“Save the whales. Collect the whole set.”
Sig Lines
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“Deja Fu: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.”
Sig Lines
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“The problem with being too efficient is that once you’ve shown that you can walk on water, every SOB will want you to trot across the lake on errands.”
Sig Lines
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Before you set out for revenge, be sure to dig two graves.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Chinese proverb
Speak the truth, but keep one foot in the stirrup.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Mongol proverb
“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?”
Sig Lines
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There are no experimental failures — there are only more data.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Max Headroom
He who can lick can bite.
(Other Authors and Sources)
French proverb
Before trying to become a Buddha, first be kind to other people.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Chinese saying
As a matter of constitutional tradition, in the absence of evidence to the contrary, we presume that governmental regulation of the content of speech is more likely to interfere with the free exchange of ideas than to encourage it. The interest in encouraging freedom of expression in a democratic society outweighs any theoretical but unproven benefit of censorship.
John Paul Stevens (1920-2019) American lawyer, US Supreme Court Justice (1975-2010)
Janet Reno et al. v. ACLU et al. (1997) [Majority Opinion]
Some change their ways when they see the light; others when they feel the heat.
Caroline Schoeder (1882-1951) German-American pianist.
(Attributed)
Unsourced. Sometimes attributed to "Caroline Schroeder."
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
John Andrew Holmes (1874-1937) American physician and writer
Wisdom in Small Doses (1927)
A painting is never finished — it simply stops in interesting places.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Paul Gardner
STONE: The commandment says “Thou shalt not kill,” not “Thou shalt not kill nice people!”
Robert Nathan (b. 1938) American novelist, journalist, screenwriter, television producer
Law & Order, “The Secret Sharers” (1991)
Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it.
William C. (Billy) Durant (1861-1947) American industrialist, entrepreneur
(Attributed)
MAL: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
ZOE: Big damn heroes, sir.
MAL: Ain’t we just.Drew Z. Greenberg (contemp.) TV producer and writer
Firefly, 1×05 “Safe” (8 Nov 2002)
All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.
Casey Stengel (1890-1975) American athlete, coach, manager [Charles Dillon Stengel]
(Attributed)
Most ball games are lost, not won.
Casey Stengel (1890-1975) American athlete, coach, manager [Charles Dillon Stengel]
(Attributed)
Managing is getting paid for home runs someone else hits.
Casey Stengel (1890-1975) American athlete, coach, manager [Charles Dillon Stengel]
(Attributed)
Come see my “Amazin’ Mets.” Been in this game a hundred years, but I see new ways to lose ’em I never knew existed before.
Casey Stengel (1890-1975) American athlete, coach, manager [Charles Dillon Stengel]
(Attributed, 1963)
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
(Other Authors and Sources)
Robert J. Hanlon, “Hanlon’s Razor,” Murphy’s Law, Book Two (ed. A. Bloch) (1980)
You know, whenever I have a disappointment in life, I find it helps if I picture it as just another failed sit-com pilot.
Garry Trudeau (b. 1948) American cartoonist
Doonesbury (Zonker’s Dad) (6 Sep 2003)
This is why you get married. You run into a difficult situation, can’t seem to find a way out and — TAG — your partner jumps in and fixes everything. A good marriage isn’t just about love and friendship, it’s about sharing your talents and making the struggle of life a little bit easier.
Okay. That sounds like a load of crap. So I’ll just say that even if life is a constant mess, you’ve got some company to kill the time. Better?
Michael Jantze (b. 1962) American cartoonist
The Norm, “Norm’s Daily Journal” (7 Sep 2003)
Service = Perception – Expectation
David H. Maister (b. 1947) American academic, writer, management consultant
“The Psychology of Waiting Lines,” Maister’s First Law of Service (1985)
in Czepiel et al The Service Encounter
It’s hard to play catch-up ball.
David H. Maister (b. 1947) American academic, writer, management consultant
“The Psychology of Waiting Lines,” Maister’s Second Law of Service (1985)
in Czepiel, et al., The Service Encounter
We often think that when we have completed our study of one we know all about two, because “two” is “one and one.” We forget that we still have to make a study of “and.”
Sir Arthur S. Eddington (1882-1944) British astrophysicist
The Nature of the Physical World (1958)
People do wrong because they don’t have the strength to do right.
Rabbi Meshullam Zusya of Hanipol (1718-1800) Hassidic teacher
(Attributed)
In the coming world they will not ask me, ‘Why were you not Moses?’ They will ask me, ‘Why were you not Zusya?’
Rabbi Meshullam Zusya of Hanipol (1718-1800) Hassidic teacher
(Attributed)
In Martin Buber, Tales of the Hasidim: The Early Masters, "Zusya of Hanipol" [tr. Marx (1947)]
RUMACK: Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?
ELAINE: No.David Zucker (b. 1947) American writer-director
Airplane (1980)
(with Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker)
TED: Surely you can’t be serious.
RUMACK: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.David Zucker (b. 1947) American writer-director
Airplane (1980)
(with Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker)
TED: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We’re bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We’re coming in from the north, below their radar.
ELAINE: When will you be back?
TED: I can’t tell you that. It’s classified.David Zucker (b. 1947) American writer-director
Airplane (1980)
(with Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker)