The man who wastes today lamenting yesterday will waste tomorrow lamenting today.
Philip M. Raskin (1878-1944) American poet
(Attributed)
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Jef Raskin (1943-2005) American computer scientist, writer
“Human Interface Design: Jef Raskin Interview,” Doctor Dobb’s Journal (May 1986)
(Source)
We did not labor in suffrage just to bring the vote to women, but to allow women to express their opinions and become effective in government. Men and women are like right and left hands; it doesn’t make sense not to use both.
So you think that money is the root of all evil? Money is a tool of exchange, which can’t exist unless there are goods produced and men able to produce them. Money is the material shape of the principle that men who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by the men who produce. Is this what you consider evil?
No, it is a very interesting number, it is the smallest number expressible as a sum of two cubes in two different ways.
Srinivasa Ramanujan (1887-1920) Indian mathematician
Quoted in G.H. Hardy, Ramanujan (1940)
When Hardy commented that the number of a taxi cab, 1729, was a "dull" number.
O God! If I worship Thee in fear of Hell, burn me in Hell; and if I worship Thee in hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise; but if I worship Thee for Thine own sake, withhold not Thine Everlasting Beauty!
Rabi'ah of Basra (713?-801) Arab mystic and poetess [Rabi'ah al 'Adawiyah]
(Attributed)
Good friends, my Readers, who peruse this Book,
Be not offended, whilst on it you look:
Denude yourself of all depraved affection,
For it contains no badness, nor infection:
‘Tis true that it brings forth to you no birth
Of any value, but in point of mirth;
Thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind
Consume, I could no apter subject find:
One inch of joy surmounts of grief a span;
Because to laugh is proper to the man.[Amis lecteurs qui ce livre lisez,
Despouillez vous de toute affection.
Et le lisants ne vous scandalisez,
Il ne contient mal ne infection.
Vray est qu’icy peu de perfection
Vous apprendrez, si non en cas de rire.
Aultre argument ne peut mon cueur elire.
Voiant le dueil qui vous mine & consomme,
Mieulx est de ris que de larmes escrire,
Pour ce que rire est le propre de l’homme.
VIVEZ IOYEUX]François Rabelais (1494-1553) French writer, humanist, doctor
Gargantua and Pantagruel, “To the Readers” (1534-1542) [tr Urquhart/Motteux (1653)]
(Source)
The work was deemed obscene by the censors of the Collège de la Sorbonne.
(Source (French)). Alternate translations:
My kindly Readers, who this Book begin,
All Prejudice, I pray you, lay aside,
And reading it, find no Offence therein;
In it nor Hurt nor Poison doth abide.
'Tis true that small Perfection here doth hide;
Nought will you learn save only Mirth's Delight;
No other Subject can my Heart indite,
Seeing the Dole that wastes and makes you wan;
'Tis better far of Mirth than Tears to write,
For Laughter is the special Gift to Man.
LIVE MERRILY
[tr. Smith (1893)]
Kind readers, who vouchsafe to cast an eye
On what ensues, all prejudice lay by:
Let not my book your indignation raise;
It means no harm, no poison it conveys.
Except in point of laughing, it is true
Not much 'twill teach you -- it being all my view
To inspire with mirth the hearts of those that moan,
And change to laughter the afflictive groan,
FOR LAUGHTER IS MAN'S PROPERTY ALONE.
[tr. Urguhart/Motteux/Stokes (1905)]
Readers, friends, if you turn these pages
Put your prejudice aside,
For, really, there's nothing here that's outrageous,
Nothing sick, or bad -- or contagious.
Not that I sit here glowing with pride
For my book: all you'll find is laughter:
That's all the glory my heart is after,
Seeing how sorrow eats you, defeats you.
I'd rather write about laughing than crying,
For laughter makes men human, and courageous.
BE HAPPY!
[tr. Raffel (1989)]
You friends and readers of this book, take heed:
Pray put all perturbation far behind,
And do not be offended as you read:
It holds no evil to corrupt the mind;
Though here perfection may be hard to find,
Unless in point of laughter and good cheer;
No other subject can my heart hold dear,
Seeing the grief that robs you of your rest:
Better a laugh to write of than a tear,
For it is laughter that becomes man best.
[tr. Frame (1991)]
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton (b. 1947) American actor, writer
(Attributed)
I am happy. I am successful on my own terms. Because if your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.
Anna Quindlen (b. 1953) American journalist, novelist
Commencement Speech at Mount Holyoke College (23 May 1999)
Full text.
Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant.
Henri Queuille (1884-1970) French politician
The Bureaucrat Magazine (1985)
(quoted)
If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.
J. Danforth (Dan) Quayle (b. 1947) Vice-president of the U.S. (1988-92)
(Spurious)
Originally from MAD Magazine (1991). See Snopes.
Quod si deficiant vires, audacia certe
Laus erit: in magnis et voluisse sat est
[What though strength fails? Boldness is certain to win praise. In mighty enterprises, it is enough to have had the determination.]
FLAKFIZER: Sorry, two’s company, and three’s an adult movie.
Pat Proft (b. 1947) American screenwriter, comedian
Brain Donors (1992)
A great many people mistake opinions for thoughts.
Herbert V. Prochnow (1897-1998) American writer, educator
(Attributed)
We like to think of the universe as simple and comprehensible, but the universe is under no obligation to line up to our expectations.
Joel R. Primack (b. 1945) American astrophysicist, academic
(Attributed)
The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning
Ivy Baker Priest (1905-1975) American politician [Ivy Baker]
Parade (1958)
(also attrib. George Priest)
JESSICA: Oh, Roger, you were magnificent!
ROGER: Was I? Really?
JESSICA: Better than Goofy.Jeffrey Price (b. 1949) American screenwriter, producer
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
(with Peter Seaman; book by Gary Wolf)
A bad reputation is like a hangover
James E. Preston (b. 1933) American business executive
(Attributed)
“But the Great Plan can only be a tiny part of the overall ineffability,” said Crowley. “You can’t be certain that what’s happening right now isn’t exactly right, from an ineffable point of view.”
“It izz written!” bellowed Beelzebub.
“But it might be written differently somewhere else,” said Crowley. “Where you can’t read it.”
“In bigger letters,” said Aziraphale.
“Underlined,” Crowley added.
“Twice,” suggested Aziraphale.Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 6. “Saturday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
And the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.*
* This is not actually true. The road to Hell is paved with frozen door-to-door salesmen. On weekends many of the younger demons go ice-skating down it.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 6. “Saturday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
If you take the long view, the universe is just something small and round, like those water-filled balls which produce a miniature snowstorm when you shake them.*
* Although, unless the ineffable plan is a lot more ineffable than it’s given credit for, it does not have a giant plastic snowman at the bottom.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 6. “Saturday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
The way of the portable computer user is as a stony path strewn with plugs and sockets, all the wrong size.
Hastur was paranoid, which was simply a sensible and well-adjusted reaction to living in Hell, where they really were all out to get you.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 6. “Saturday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
Armageddon only happens once, you know. They don’t let you go around again until you get it right.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 3. “Wednesday” [Crowley] (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home.
God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players (i.e., everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 2. “Eleven Years Ago” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
“I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it’s all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you’ve built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it can’t be a great cosmic game of chess, it has to be just very complicated Solitaire. And don’t bother to answer. If we could understand, we wouldn’t be us. Because it’s all — all –”
INEFFABLE, said the figure feeding the ducks.Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 7. “Sunday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
Crowley speculating to Aziraphale about God's motivations in creating a flawed Universe.
In the end, as every human being who has ever breakfasted on their own in someone else’s kitchen has done since nearly the dawn of time, he made do with unsweetened instant black coffee.
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 7. “Sunday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
“From what I remember,” replied Crowley, thoughtfully, “– and we were never actually on what you might call speaking terms — He wasn’t exactly one for a straight answer. In fact, in fact, He’d never answer at all. He’d just smile, as if He knew something that you didn’t.”
“And of course that’s true,” said the angel. “Otherwise, what’d be the point?”Terry Pratchett (1948-2015) English author
Good Omens, 6. “Saturday” (1990) [with Neil Gaiman]
(Source)