The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today’s complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you’re a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry in Cyberspace (1996)
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry’s Bad Habits (1993)
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
If you were standing in the middle of a bridge spanning a wilderness gorge, at the bottom of which was a spectacular white-water river, what would you do?
FEMALE RESPONSE: Admire the view.
MALE RESPONSE: Spit.Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald (12 May 1996)
A Harris survey was released showing that 70 percent of men do not view birth control as their responsibility. This resulted in the usual round of male-bashing by the usual critics, who as usual failed to note the many areas in which men take on MORE than their fair share of responsibility; such as spider-killing, channel-changing, referee-critiquing, scratching, and traffic gestures.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “A Year That Felt Like a Century” (13 Jan. 1996)
In 1995, at the Citadel — the South Carolina military academy where courageous specimens of Southern manhood receive the rigorous training and character development they need to be able to fight any enemy, meet any challenge, and face any danger — many courageous manhood specimens became extremely upset when, for a little while, they had to go to school with — Yikes! — a girl! Oh no! Cooties!
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “A Year That Felt Like a Century” (13 Jan. 1996)
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald
We don’t know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when we get there we will not have enough RAM.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #17 (1997)
No matter how much you love your spouse, eventually the smooth unblemished surface of your relationship will be marred by a small pimple of anger, which, if ignored, can grow into a major festering zit of rage that will explode and spew forth a really disgusting metaphor that I don’t wish to pursue any further here.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “To Love, Honor, and Ask for Directions” (31 Jan. 1994)
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #11 (1997)
Women often ask, “What do men really want, deep in their souls?” The best answer — based on in-depth analysis of the complex and subtle interplay of thought, instinct, and emotion that constitutes the male psyche — is that, deep in their souls, men want to watch stuff go “bang.”
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a . . . BONK!” (2 Oct. 1994)
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #25 (1997)
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #23 (1997)
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #22 (1997)
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #21 (1997)
You should not confuse your career with your life.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #20 (1997)
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” # 9 (1997)
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Kids Today: They Don’t Know Dum Diddly Do”
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #12 (1997)
Williamsburg is an authentic colonial restored place in Virginia where people in authentic uncomfortable clothing demonstrate how horrible it was to live in historical colonial times.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Pornography is like tooth decay, eating slowly away at the molars of our morals, and if it is not stopped we will wind up as a toothless nation, gumming at the raw meat of international competition while the drool of decadence dribbles down our collective chin and messes up the clean tablecloth of our children’s futures.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
An entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don’t mind living in pools of warm slime.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Sex and the Single Amoeba”
Puns are little ‘plays on words’ that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Why Humor is Funny”
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)
If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.
Lynda Barry (b. 1956) American cartoonist, author, teacher
Big Ideas (1983)
People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
Marion Barry (1936-2014) American politician
Attributed
What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
Marion Barry (1936-2014) American politician
Attributed
People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!
Marion Barry (1936-2014) American politician
Attributed
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.
Marion Barry (1936-2014) American politician
Comment to reporters after traffic accident (1988)
I’m one of those mayors whose management style is to allow free and unlimited debate up to a point.
Marion Barry (1936-2014) American politician
Attributed
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
John Barrymore (1882-1942) American actor
Attributed
A man must properly pay the fiddler. In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra had to be subsidized.
John Barrymore (1882-1942) American actor
(Attributed)
Those who so glibly dismiss as “mere legal technicalities” the procedural guarantees of the Constitution limiting law-enforcement activities forget that nothing is more basic to civil liberty than freedom from arbitrary arrest and imprisonment by policemen who are masters, not servants, of the law. The most characteristic symbol of the police state is the ominous rap on the door at night. Freedom from the fear of that rap is the basic condition for the exercise of every other form of freedom.
Alan Barth (1906-1979) American journalist
The Rights of Free Men (1984)
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
John Barrymore (1882-1942) American actor
(Attributed)
Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts.
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) American businessman and statesman
(Attributed)
In Alfred Montapert (ed.), Distilled Wisdom (1964).
We didn’t all come over on the same ship, but we’re all in the same boat.
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) American businessman and statesman
(Attributed)
The test and use of a man’s education is that he finds pleasure in the exercise of his mind.
Jacques Barzun (1907-2012) French-American historian, educator, polymath
Saturday Evening Post, “Science vs the Humanities” (3 May 1958)
The greatest blessing of our democracy is freedom. But in the last analysis, our only freedom is the freedom to discipline ourselves.
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) American businessman and statesman
Baruch, The Public Years (1960)
The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re still alive.
Orlando A. Battista (1917-1995) Canadian-American chemist, aphorist
(Attributed)
One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy
Orlando A. Battista (1917-1995) Canadian-American chemist, aphorist
(Attributed)
An error doesn’t become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
Orlando A. Battista (1917-1995) Canadian-American chemist, aphorist
How to Enjoy Work and Get More Fun Out of Life (1957)
The fellow who says he’ll meet you halfway usually thinks he’s standing on the dividing line.
Orlando A. Battista (1917-1995) Canadian-American chemist, aphorist
(Attributed)
In necessary things, unity; in disputed things, liberty; in all things, charity.
I know it’s difficult for you to understand this now, Pete. But you’ve got the majority of your life ahead of you — and one day you’ll find that these high school years will be a tiny, distant memory. The scars, of course, are yours to keep forever.
Tom Batiuk (b. 1947) American cartoonist
Funky Winkerbean (2 Jun 2001)
Dangers bring fears, and fears more dangers bring.
Richard Baxter (1615-1691) English Puritan clergyman and writer
Love Breathing Thanks and Praise (1681)
Bilbo thought to kill the creature, but pity stayed his hand.
‘It’s a pity I’ve run out of bullets,’ he thought.Henry N. Beard (b. 1945) American writer and humorist
Bored of the Rings, with Douglas C. Kenney
I am convinced that the world is not a mere bog in which men and women trample themselves and die. Something magnificent is taking place here amidst the cruelties and tragedies, and the supreme challenge to intelligence is that of making the noblest and best in our curious heritage prevail.
Charles Beard (1874-1948) American historian
(Attributed)
In Will Durant, On the Meaning of Life (1932)
Whom the gods would destroy they first make mad with power;
The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small;
The bee fertilizes the flower it robs;
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.Charles Beard (1874-1948) American historian
Summary of human history, in reply to George S. Counts