Eighty percent of rules of thumb only apply twenty percent of the time.
Sig Lines
Quotations by:
~Sig
I’m not procrastinating, I’m just waiting on my initiative.
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In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.
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“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?”
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“The problem with being too efficient is that once you’ve shown that you can walk on water, every SOB will want you to trot across the lake on errands.”
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“Deja Fu: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.”
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“Save the whales. Collect the whole set.”
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“I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.”
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“It isn’t what you know that counts, it’s what you think of in time.”
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“A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.”Sig Lines
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Alternate: "A conservative is a liberal who's been robbed. A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested."
“That’s it, man. Game over, man! It’s game over!”
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“Come, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.”
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“Where’s the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!”
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the children look like?”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so.”Sig Lines
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“Anyone who isn’t confused here doesn’t really know what’s going on.”
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“I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said: ‘I drank what?'”
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“The NSA is now funding research not only in cryptography, but in all areas of advanced mathematics. If you’d like a circular describing these new research opportunities, just pick up your phone, call your mother, and ask for one.”
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“People don’t kill people. Bad instruction sets kill people.”
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“Well, if you didn’t struggle so much, you wouldn’t get rope burns.”
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“Where are we going? And why are we in a hand basket?”
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“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.”
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“Always remember there are certain people who set their watches by your clock.”
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“To know recursion, you must first know recursion.”
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“Any problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.”
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“Real programmers don’t document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.”
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“I am not looking for realism: I’m looking for functionality.”
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“Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?”
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“All generalizations are false. That last sentence is not a paradox of self reference, and neither is this one.”
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“Wouldn’t it be neat if a group of auto body specialists, car dealers, and trauma surgeons got together and lobbied Congress for a day where red means go and green means stop?”
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“Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, it is evident that every program can be reduced to one instruction that does not work.”
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“When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.”
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“I haven’t lost my mind; I’m sure it’s backed up on tape somewhere!”
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“The usability of a computer language is inversely proportional to the number of theoretical axes the language designer tries to grind.”
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour?”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career … oooh, it’s all too much for me.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so Brain, but I can’t memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh … yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Well, I think so, Brain, but if we didn’t have ears, we’d look like weasels.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals kids wouldn’t buy them.”Sig Lines
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.”Sig Lines
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“Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.”
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“BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding”
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“BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!”
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“Why doesn’t DOS ever say ‘EXCELLENT command or filename!'”
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“Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)”
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“Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.”
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“Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.”
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“Old programmers never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.”
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“Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.”
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“Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.”
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Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.Sig Lines
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.Sig Lines
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“Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.”
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“I couldn’t think of anything else to do with it, so I put it on the Web.”
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“Practically everyone on sci.physics has a theory that is far superior to special relativity, general relativity, quantum mechanics and the standard model. Around here, it’s only a small clique of arrogant young members of the physics establishment who fail to recognize these revolutionary theories. I’d explain why, but I have to go finish designing my faster-than-light vacuum energy perpetual motion telekinetic aether-powered time machine.”
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“Mine is not to wonder why, Mine is but to look and say ‘Here We Go Again…'”
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“Physics and Law Enforcement — if it weren’t for those two, I’d be unstoppable.”
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Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?Sig Lines
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“I always wanted to write a little program that would pop up a window saying, ‘I’m going to amputate a limb at random from you now,’ to see how many people would instinctively click ‘OK’.”
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“Don’t think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as unlimited target selection!”
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“I can only conclude that I’m paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.”
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THE PSI CORPS IS YOUR FRIEND. TRUST THE CORPS.
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“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”
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“Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”
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“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”
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“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
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“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.”
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“Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”
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“Lord, grant me the patience to suffer fools, or, alternatively, a chainsaw.”
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“Joan of Arc heard voices, too.”
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“Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.'”
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“Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a nice sandwich.”
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“Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.”
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“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”
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“You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.”
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“It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks.”
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“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
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“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”
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“Guns don’t kill people — they just make it real easy.”
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“I can’t go to work today. The voices said, ‘Stay home and clean the guns.'”
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“Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”
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“This sig line was typed before a live studio audience.”
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“The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.”
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“42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”
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“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”
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“This message is the official opinion of the voices in my head.”
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“It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.”
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“Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.”
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“Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.”
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“Oh, no! Not another learning experience!”
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“Don’t worry — the answer’s at the back of the book.”
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“Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.”Sig Lines
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“God is real, unless declared integer.”
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“Math illiteracy strikes 8 out of 5 people.”
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“Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.”
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“Think globally, act locally.”
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“I do believe that for every door that closes another will open — but these hallways are real drag.”
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“Friends don’t let friends install drivers drunk.”
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“I’m enduring life’s theater in hopes of a good cast party.”
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“Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.”
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“I’d change the world but God won’t give me the source code.”
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“The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.”
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“I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.”
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“Sex on television can’t hurt you — unless you fall off.”
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“I live in my own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.”
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“I got a sweater for Christmas … but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.”
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“Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.”
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“I see your IQ test results were negative.”
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“If God had intended for Man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!”
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“No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning.”
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“I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.”
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“Death is but a doorway. Here, let me hold that for you.”
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“This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from the context.”
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“Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg.”
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“This sentence is in Spanish when you are not looking.”
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“43.3% of all statistics are meaningless!”
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“All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.”
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“The First Rule of Holes: If you are in one, stop digging.”
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“It was all so different before everything changed.”
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“If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.”
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“A mind is a terrible thing to … Oooh! Just a sec, more e-mail.”
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“Some people have a way with words, others not have way.”
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“If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed … Oh, wait a minute, he already does.”
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“If God is watching, the least we can do is be entertaining.”
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“Instant shaman – add one drum and beat slowly.”
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“Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.”
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“Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.”
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“Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.”
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“Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the Earth.”
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“I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.”
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“Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.”
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“Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”
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“Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done.”
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“I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”
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“How do I set a laser printer to stun?”
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“I refuse to star in your psychodrama.”
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“Earthquakes don’t kill people. Houses do.”
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“Women’s breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They’re meant for kids, but usually it’s the fathers who wind up playin’ with them.”
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“If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.”
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“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”
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“It’s a good thing money can’t buy happiness. Can you imagine the commercials?”
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“Never assume anything except a 4% mortgage.”
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“Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham — obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am.”
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“Happiness is a warm puppy,” said the anaconda.
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“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.”
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Attributed to many people, most prominently Eleanor Roosevelt and Hyman Rickover, but the origin appears to be a recollection of a statement by Henry Thomas Buckle: "Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." -- Charles Stewart, Haud Immemor: Reminiscences of Legal and Social Life in Edinburgh and London 1850-1900 (1901). More information here.
“That’s it! I’m calling the Mother Ship!”
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“Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.”
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“Yes, I am an Agent of Evil. However, my duties are largely ceremonial.”
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“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
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“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
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“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”
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“A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.”
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“I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.”
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“Don’t worry — it’s only kinky the first time.”
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“If you don’t like change, you’re going to hate obsolescence.”
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I love God. It’s His fan club I can’t stand.
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“Crossbows don’t kill people. Quarrels kill people.”
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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Sometimes we just cuddle.
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You can’t reason someone out of an idea they weren’t reasoned into.
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What are you pretending not to know?
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I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you five times.
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Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
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Grey’s Law
The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like thatSig Lines
Haiku error message
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joySig Lines
Haiku error message
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?Sig Lines
Haiku error message
Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation faultSig Lines
Haiku error message
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.Sig Lines
Haiku error message
If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.
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Pierson’s Law