STEVE: Happens to us all mate.

JEFF: All of us, in our time, are visited by the Melty Man.

PATRICK: The what?

JEFF: Don’t say his name, Patrick. Don’t even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.

PATRICK: (chuckle) Terrified pants?

STEVE: (gravely) There’s nothing funny about the Melty Man, Patrick.

PATRICK: (face falls) You know about the Melty Man, too?

STEVE: We all know the Melty Man.

PATRICK: Who is he?

STEVE: The archenemy of trouser confidence.

JEFF: Professor Moriarty, in groin form.

STEVE: Darth Vader.

JEFF: Without the helmet.

PATRICK: What does he do?!

JEFF: Patrick, you know what he does.

PATRICK: (looks down) Oh, right.

JEFF: You’re in bed with a woman. Everything’s going fine. That’s when the Melty Man strikes.

STEVE: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, “Maybe she’s really bored.”

JEFF: Maybe you’re licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?

STEVE: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what happens if one breast gets ahead?

JEFF: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish ’em both together and do them at once?

STEVE: Or are you allowed to just skip one breast completely, just to save time?

JEFF: She’s wriggling about a bit. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?

STEVE: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start at the top again?

JEFF: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?

STEVE: And then, the killer — out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her (huskily) “baby.”

JEFF: You never called her baby before.

STEVE: You’ve never called anyone baby before.

JEFF: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you’re starting to blush.

STEVE: Now, you’re blushing and you’ve got an erection. No-one’s got enough blood!

JEFF: (Scotty voice) It’s the engines, Cap’n! They cannae take it!

STEVE: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.

JEFF: Just one single thought placed in your mind at this crucial time.

STEVE: “Please God! Don’t let me lose my erection!”

JEFF: (lowers his hand) Poof.

PATRICK: (with terror and disblief) How do you guys manage to have sex?

STEVE: We don’t.

JEFF: I haven’t had sex in years.

STEVE: It’s just not possible anymore.

JEFF: We are followers of the Melty Man.

STEVE: And you are one of us now.