Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) American writer

“Résumé,” New York World (16 Aug 1925)
    (Source)

Reprinted in Enough Rope (1926). Parker attempted suicide several times, by a variety of methods.