Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.
 
[Take all the prophecies that have come to pass, and all that have caught on the center and failed to come to time, and make them up into an average, and you will find that buying stock on the codfish Bank of Newfoundland, at 50 percent, for a rise, is, in comparison, a good speculative business.]

Josh Billings (1818-1885) American humorist, aphorist [pseud. of Henry Wheeler Shaw]

Everybody’s Friend, Or; Josh Billing’s Encyclopedia and Proverbial Philosophy of Wit and Humor, ch. 150 “Affurisms: Parboils” (1874)
    (Source)