Quotations by Handey, Jack


Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly, it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Mar-14
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It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Mar-14
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Mar-14
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Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.

Other Authors and Sources
Deep Thoughts
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Mar-14
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I’d rather be rich than stupid.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Mar-14
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts (1992)
Added on 28-Aug-14 | Last updated 28-Aug-14
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deep Thoughts (1992)
Added on 4-Sep-14 | Last updated 4-Sep-14
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Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words — “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deeper Thoughts: All New, All Crispy (1993)
Added on 18-Sep-14 | Last updated 18-Sep-14
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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deeper Thoughts (1993)
Added on 10-Mar-14 | Last updated 10-Mar-14
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because man, they’re gone.

Jack Handey (b. 1949) American humorist
Deeper Thoughts (1993)
Added on 11-Sep-14 | Last updated 11-Sep-14
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