Anything I like is either illegal or immoral or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott (1887-1943) American critic, commentator, journalist, wit
(Attributed)

Apparently a gag attributed by Woollcott to a Frank Rand of St. Louis on his radio show in September 1933; it was then directly attributed to Woollcott in Reader's Digest in Dec. 1933. It is sometimes cited to Woollcott's essay "The Knock at the Stage Door," The North American Review (Sep 1922), but not found there.

Variants:

• "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
• "All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."
• "Everything I want to do is either illegal, immoral or fattening."

More discussion about this quotation:

• The Quote Verifier - Google Books
• It Seems As If Anything I Like Is Either Illegal, Immoral, or Fattening – Quote Investigator
• The Big Apple: “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening”