Quotations by ~Sig


Eighty percent of rules of thumb only apply twenty percent of the time.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 22-Mar-14
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I’m not procrastinating, I’m just waiting on my initiative.

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Added on 26-Dec-14 | Last updated 26-Dec-14
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In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

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Added on 9-Jan-20 | Last updated 9-Jan-20
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If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

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Added on 14-Oct-15 | Last updated 14-Oct-15
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“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The problem with being too efficient is that once you’ve shown that you can walk on water, every SOB will want you to trot across the lake on errands.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Deja Fu: The feeling that, somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Save the whales. Collect the whole set.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“It isn’t what you know that counts, it’s what you think of in time.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.”

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Alternate: "A conservative is a liberal who's been robbed. A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested."
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 15-Mar-12
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“That’s it, man. Game over, man! It’s game over!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Come, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Where’s the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what would the children look like?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but this time you put the trousers on the chimp.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Anyone who isn’t confused here doesn’t really know what’s going on.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said: ‘I drank what?'”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The NSA is now funding research not only in cryptography, but in all areas of advanced mathematics. If you’d like a circular describing these new research opportunities, just pick up your phone, call your mother, and ask for one.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“People don’t kill people. Bad instruction sets kill people.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Well, if you didn’t struggle so much, you wouldn’t get rope burns.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Where are we going? And why are we in a hand basket?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Always remember there are certain people who set their watches by your clock.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“To know recursion, you must first know recursion.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Any problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Real programmers don’t document; if it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I am not looking for realism: I’m looking for functionality.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“All generalizations are false. That last sentence is not a paradox of self reference, and neither is this one.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Wouldn’t it be neat if a group of auto body specialists, car dealers, and trauma surgeons got together and lobbied Congress for a day where red means go and green means stop?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, it is evident that every program can be reduced to one instruction that does not work.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I haven’t lost my mind; I’m sure it’s backed up on tape somewhere!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The usability of a computer language is inversely proportional to the number of theoretical axes the language designer tries to grind.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career … oooh, it’s all too much for me.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh, I think so Brain, but I can’t memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Uh … yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“Well, I think so, Brain, but if we didn’t have ears, we’d look like weasels.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals kids wouldn’t buy them.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
“I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Why doesn’t DOS ever say ‘EXCELLENT command or filename!'”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Old programmers never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A: Because it was on the other side.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I couldn’t think of anything else to do with it, so I put it on the Web.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Practically everyone on sci.physics has a theory that is far superior to special relativity, general relativity, quantum mechanics and the standard model. Around here, it’s only a small clique of arrogant young members of the physics establishment who fail to recognize these revolutionary theories. I’d explain why, but I have to go finish designing my faster-than-light vacuum energy perpetual motion telekinetic aether-powered time machine.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Mine is not to wonder why, Mine is but to look and say ‘Here We Go Again…'”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Physics and Law Enforcement — if it weren’t for those two, I’d be unstoppable.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Q: How many user support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have?

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I always wanted to write a little program that would pop up a window saying, ‘I’m going to amputate a limb at random from you now,’ to see how many people would instinctively click ‘OK’.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Don’t think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as unlimited target selection!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I can only conclude that I’m paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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THE PSI CORPS IS YOUR FRIEND. TRUST THE CORPS.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Lord, grant me the patience to suffer fools, or, alternatively, a chainsaw.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Joan of Arc heard voices, too.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous.'”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you’d make a nice sandwich.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Any ship can be a minesweeper … once.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“It’s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult; it’s the jerks.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Guns don’t kill people — they just make it real easy.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I can’t go to work today. The voices said, ‘Stay home and clean the guns.'”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“This sig line was typed before a live studio audience.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“This message is the official opinion of the voices in my head.”

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“It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.”

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“Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.”

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“Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.”

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“Oh, no! Not another learning experience!”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Don’t worry — the answer’s at the back of the book.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“God is real, unless declared integer.”

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“Math illiteracy strikes 8 out of 5 people.”

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“Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.”

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“Think globally, act locally.”

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“I do believe that for every door that closes another will open — but these hallways are real drag.”

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“Friends don’t let friends install drivers drunk.”

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“I’m enduring life’s theater in hopes of a good cast party.”

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“Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.”

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“I’d change the world but God won’t give me the source code.”

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“The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.”

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“I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.”

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“Sex on television can’t hurt you — unless you fall off.”

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“I live in my own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.”

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“I got a sweater for Christmas … but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.”

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“Dyslexia means never having to say that you’re yrros.”

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“I see your IQ test results were negative.”

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“If God had intended for Man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!”

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“No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game,’ when their team is winning.”

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“I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there’s a decimal point involved.”

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“Death is but a doorway. Here, let me hold that for you.”

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“This gubblick contains many nonsklarkish English flutzpahs, but the overall pluggandisp can be glorked from the context.”

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“Some people have six pack abdomens. I have a keg.”

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“This sentence is in Spanish when you are not looking.”

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“43.3% of all statistics are meaningless!”

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“All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.”

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“The First Rule of Holes: If you are in one, stop digging.”

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“It was all so different before everything changed.”

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“If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.”

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“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”

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“A mind is a terrible thing to … Oooh! Just a sec, more e-mail.”

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“Some people have a way with words, others not have way.”

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“If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed … Oh, wait a minute, he already does.”

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“If God is watching, the least we can do is be entertaining.”

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“Instant shaman – add one drum and beat slowly.”

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“Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.”

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“Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.”

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“Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the Earth.”

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“I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”

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“Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done.”

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“I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“How do I set a laser printer to stun?”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I refuse to star in your psychodrama.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Earthquakes don’t kill people. Houses do.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Women’s breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They’re meant for kids, but usually it’s the fathers who wind up playin’ with them.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“If we are what we eat, I’m cheap, fast, and easy.”

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“Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“It’s a good thing money can’t buy happiness. Can you imagine the commercials?”

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“Never assume anything except a 4% mortgage.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham — obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Happiness is a warm puppy,” said the anaconda.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.”

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Attributed to many people, most prominently Eleanor Roosevelt and Hyman Rickover, but the origin appears to be a recollection of a statement by Henry Thomas Buckle: "Men and women range themselves into three classes or orders of intelligence; you can tell the lowest class by their habit of always talking about persons; the next by the fact that their habit is always to converse about things; the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas." -- Charles Stewart, Haud Immemor: Reminiscences of Legal and Social Life in Edinburgh and London 1850-1900 (1901). More information here.
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Nov-14
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“That’s it! I’m calling the Mother Ship!”

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“Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.”

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“Yes, I am an Agent of Evil. However, my duties are largely ceremonial.”

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“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

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“Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

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“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“Don’t worry — it’s only kinky the first time.”

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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“If you don’t like change, you’re going to hate obsolescence.”

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Added on 7-Apr-05 | Last updated 7-Apr-05
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I love God. It’s His fan club I can’t stand.

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Added on 16-Jul-07 | Last updated 16-Jul-07
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“Crossbows don’t kill people. Quarrels kill people.”

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Added on 26-Jan-11 | Last updated 26-Jan-11
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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Sometimes we just cuddle.

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Added on 17-Sep-14 | Last updated 17-Sep-14
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You can’t reason someone out of an idea they weren’t reasoned into.

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Added on 16-Jan-15 | Last updated 16-Jan-15
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What are you pretending not to know?

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Added on 15-May-20 | Last updated 15-May-20
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I may look calm, but in my head I’ve killed you five times.

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Added on 24-Oct-16 | Last updated 24-Oct-16
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Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.

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Grey’s Law
Added on 22-Nov-11 | Last updated 22-Nov-11
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The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

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To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

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Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Everything is gone;
Your life’s work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Errors have occurred.
We won’t tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

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Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

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With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

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A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

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If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.

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Pierson’s Law
Added on 10-Feb-12 | Last updated 10-Feb-12
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