I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
(Attributed)
Quotations by:
Monty Python
‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
And Now for Something Completely Different (1971)
KING ARTHUR: I am your king.
WOMAN: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
KING ARTHUR: You don’t vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well how’d you become king then?
KING ARTHUR: [angelic music plays] The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
DENNIS: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
CLERIC: And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
SIR BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
KING ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY: Who’s that then?
THE DEAD COLLECTOR: I dunno, must be a king.
LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY: Why?
THE DEAD COLLECTOR: He hasn’t got shit all over him.
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
MINSTREL: [singing]
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burnt off,
And his penis —SIR ROBIN: That’s enough music for now, lads.
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
KING ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!
BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
KING ARTHUR: Look!
BLACK KNIGHT: It’s just a flesh wound.Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
KING ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
KING ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw him, didn’t you?
Monty Python (contemp.) British comedy troupe
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]
KING ARTHUR: How does it — um — how does it work?
SIR LANCELOT: I know not, my liege.
KING ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments.
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
CLERIC: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu–“
BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
CLERIC: And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”
BROTHER MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
KING ARTHUR: Right. [pulls pin] One … two … five!
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
KING ARTHUR: Three! [throws grenade]