REARDON: I hadn’t seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982)
(with Carl Reiner, George Gipe)
Quotations by:
Martin, Steve
REARDON: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982)
(with Carl Reiner, George Gipe)
REARDON: That’s one thing I’ve learned about clients. Dead ones don’t pay their bills.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982) [with Carl Reiner, George Gipe]
JULIET: If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don’t you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (1982) [with Carl Reiner, George Gipe]
HARRIS: Ordinarily, I don’t like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.
SARA: Are you saying I’m interesting?
HARRIS: All I’m saying is that, when I’m around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot’s version of being interesting.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: There is someone for everyone — even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
(Source (Video)). The IMDb entry reads "There's someone out there for everyone," but that does not line up with the soundtrack.
HARRIS: I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
(Source (Video)).
Variant: "I could never be a woman. If I were, I would do nothing but sit at home all day playing with my breasts."
TOM: I’ll have a decaf coffee.
TRUDI: I’ll have a decaf espresso.
MORRIS: I’ll have a double decaf cappuccino.
TED: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
HARRIS: I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
TRUDI: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
TOM: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
MORRIS: I’ll have a twist of lemon.
CYNTHIA: I’ll have a twist of lemon.Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: Why is it that we don’t always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: Forget for this moment smog, cars, a restaurant, skating — remember only this: a kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
The above text is what is actually said in the movie. Most sources, including IMDb, use a slightly longer form of the quote, possibly from the script.Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
SARA: Roland thinks L.A. is a place for the brain-dead. He says, if you turned off the sprinklers, it would turn into a desert. But I think — I don’t know, it’s not what I expected. It’s a place where they’ve taken a desert and turned it into their dreams. I’ve seen a lot of L.A. and I think it’s also a place of secrets: secret houses, secret lives, secret pleasures. And no one is looking to the outside for verification that what they’re doing is all right. So what do you say, Roland?
ROLAND: I still say it’s a place for the brain-dead.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, “Hey … life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much.” Of course I’m paraphrasing: “Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: You know, you’re really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn’t for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.
ARIEL: I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with and lie in bed and watch TV, you’ve really got something.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: I’ve been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that’s worth you staying for. First of all, I’m a man who can cry. Now it’s true, it’s usually when I’ve hurt myself, but it’s a start.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
SanDeE*: I don’t put any pressure on you, do I?
HARRIS: Not at all … I don’t pressure you, do I?
SanDeE*: No, no, I just don’t think there should be any pressure.
HARRIS: No. Tell me if I pressure you.
SanDeE*: OK. And you too, but don’t feel like you have to.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: SanDeE*, your … your breasts feel weird.
SanDeE*: Oh, that’s ’cause they’re real.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
HARRIS: I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
FRANK: What do you do for a living, Rollie?
ROLAND: I deal in English paintings.
FRANK: Abstract or realistic?
ROLAND: Depends on which way you look at them, I suppose.
Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
L. A. Story (1991)
(Source)
INSPECTOR: You are playing God!
HFUHRUHURR: Somebody has to!Steve Martin (b. 1945) American comedian, actor, writer, producer, musician
The Man with Two Brains (1983)
(with George Gipe)