CALVIN: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
Quotations by:
Watterson, Bill
CALVIN: God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
DAD: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
CALVIN: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Oh, Great Altar of Passive Entertainment … Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
HOBBES: What mood is that?
CALVIN: Last minute panic.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
HOBBES: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
CALVIN: That’s love?!?
HOBBES: Medically speaking.
CALVIN: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything is different.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Dad, how do people make babies?
DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
CALVIN: I came from Sears??
DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
HOBBES: A new decade is coming up.
CALVIN: Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?
HOBBES: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.
CALVIN: I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
HOBBES: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?
CALVIN: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I don’t know which is worse, … that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
TEACHER: Explain Newton’s First Law of Motion in your own words.
CALVIN: Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in thirty minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I’m being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
HOBBES: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
CALVIN: I don’t know, but I refuse to find out!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
HOBBES: Do you think there’s a God?
CALVIN: Well somebody’s out to get me!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Reality continues to ruin my life.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
HOBBES: What’s misunderstood about you?
CALVIN: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: If Mom and Dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Why should I have to work for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: My life needs a rewind/erase button.
HOBBES: And a volume control.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about. … Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Tigers don’t worry about much, do they?
HOBBES: Nope. That’s one of the perks of being feral.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I’ve noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don’t superheroes go after more subtle, realistic bad guys?
HOBBES: Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff.
CALVIN: Hmmm … I think I see the problem.
HOBBES: “Quick! To the Bat-Fax!”Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I’m a simple man, Hobbes.
HOBBES: You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!
CALVIN: I’m a simple man with complex tastes.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
STUPENDOUS MAN’s supendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The Battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The Cotton Gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, STUPENDOUS MAN is off into the sky! So long kids! Always brush your teeth! KAPWINGGG!
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: I still can’t believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start!
HOBBES: Well, the important thing is that we tried our best.
CALVIN: The important thing is that we lost!
HOBBES: Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
CALVIN: What’s the point of trying if you can’t be a winner?Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: Dad, where do babies come from?
DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the assembly kit, and read the instructions.
CALVIN: I CAME FROM SEARS?!?!
DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
CALVIN: AAUUGHHH!
MOM: Dear, what are you telling him now?!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn’t even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
CALVIN: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
HOBBES: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re in a tragedy or a farce.
CALVIN: We need more special effects and dance numbers.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (11 Dec 1990)
I’d say that crossed the line from Ironic Coincidence to Evil Omen.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (11 May 1990)
CALVIN: When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.
HOBBES: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.
CALVIN: It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
CALVIN: Well, Hobbes, I guess there’s a moral to all this.
HOBBES: What’s that?
CALVIN: “Snow goons are bad news.”
HOBBES: That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life.
CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (19 Jan 1991)
CALVIN: I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.
HOBBES: Why is that?
CALVIN: I’ve discoved my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
HOBBES: Oh, really?
CALVIN: Yes. I am here so everybody can do what I want.
HOBBES: It’s nice to have that cleared up.
CALVIN: Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene, too.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (1990)
CALVIN: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can’t afford to take that risk.
HOBBES: You’re ignorant, but at least you act on it.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (21 Sep. 1993?)
CALVIN: It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (28 Sep. 1992)
CALVIN (walking through snowy field): You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat …. Maybe we’re so sheltered and comfortable that we’ve lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we’ve lost our awe of nature. That’s why I want to ask you, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what do you think we’re put on Earth to do. What’s our purpose in life? Why are we here?
HOBBES: We’re here to devour each other alive.
CALVIN (in the house): Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (6 Jan 1991)
CALVIN: Well. I’ve decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds.
HOBBES: What convinced you?
CALVIN: A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of belief? Heck, I’ll believe anything they want.
HOBBES: How cynically enterprising of you.
CALVIN: It’s the spirit of Christmas.
CALVIN: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?
HOBBES: Nah.
CALVIN: Oh, I do.
HOBBES: Really? How come?
CALVIN: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Weirdos from Another Planet (1990)
If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I’ve found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I’ve had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
You may be surprised to find how quickly daily routine and the demands of “just getting by” absorb your waking hours. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your politics and religion become matters of habit rather than thought and inquiry. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your life in terms of other people’s expectations rather than issues. You may be surprised to find out how quickly reading a good book sounds like a luxury.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
A real job is a job you hate. I designed car ads and grocery ads in the windowless basement of a convenience store, and I hated every single minute of the 4½ million minutes I worked there. My fellow prisoners at work were basically concerned about how to punch the time clock at the perfect second where they would earn another 20 cents without doing any work for it. […] It was a rude shock to see just how empty and robotic life can be when you don’t care about what you’re doing, and the only reason you’re there is to pay the bills.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
I tell you all this because it’s worth recognizing that there is no such thing as an overnight success. You will do well to cultivate the resources in yourself that bring you happiness outside of success or failure. The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all along. It’s a good idea to try to enjoy the scenery on the detours, because you’ll probably take a few.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you’re really buying into someone else’s system of values, rules and rewards.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
Sooner or later, we are all asked to compromise ourselves and the things we care about. We define ourselves by our actions. With each decision, we tell ourselves and the world who we are. Think about what you want out of this life, and recognize that there are many kinds of success.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)