CALVIN: God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
(Attributed)
Widely attributed to the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, but searches for the actual comic have come up empty. For more information on references to this quote, see: "God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain…".
Quotations by:
Watterson, Bill
HOBBES: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
CALVIN: That’s love?!?
HOBBES: Medically speaking.
CALVIN: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
HOBBES: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?
CALVIN: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?
CALVIN: It’s not fair!
CALVIN’S DAD: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
CALVIN: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?
HOBBES: Do you think there’s a God?
CALVIN: Well somebody’s out to get me.
CALVIN: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about … idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
CALVIN: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
CALVIN: I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.
CALVIN: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
CALVIN: Dad, how do people make babies?
CALVIN’S DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
CALVIN: I came from Sears??
CALVIN’S DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
CALVIN: AAUUGHHH!
CALVIN’S MOM [off panel]: Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
CALVIN: Hey Dad, how does a carburetor work?
CALVIN’S DAD: I can’t tell you.
CALVIN: Why not?
CALVIN’S DAD: It’s a secret.
CALVIN: No it isn’t! You just don’t know!
CALVIN: My life needs a rewind/erase button.
HOBBES: … And a volume control.
CALVIN: Isn’t it sad how some people’s grip on their lives is so precarious that they’ll embrace any preposterous delusion, rather than face an occasional bleak truth?
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1987-11-24)
(Source)
Ironically, the "preposterous delusion" is his father's assertion that the weather is getting colder, not (as Calvin surmises) because the Sun is going out, but because the Earth's orbit is heading toward aphelion, its furthest from the Sun. More ironically, that explanation is actually incorrect. Winter and summer are driven by Earth's axial tilt, and perihelion (Earth being closest to the Sun in its orbit) occurs in early January, which is winter in the Northern Hemisphere.
CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn’t make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn’t he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn’t exist, what’s the meaning of all this?
HOBBES: I dunno … isn’t this a religious holiday?
CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I’ve got the same questions about God.
CALVIN: Well. I’ve decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds.
HOBBES: What convinced you?
CALVIN: A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of belief? Heck, I’ll believe anything they want.
HOBBES: How cynically enterprising of you.
CALVIN: It’s the spirit of Christmas.
CALVIN: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?
HOBBES: Nah.
CALVIN: Oh, I do.
HOBBES: Really? How come?
CALVIN: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.
CALVIN: There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
CALVIN: Tigers don’t worry about much, do they?
HOBBES: Nope. That’s one of the perks of being feral.
CALVIN: I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
CALVIN’S DAD: It’s funny … when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don’t think I would have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d know the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1989-05-10)
(Source)
After their house has been burgled.
CALVIN (as he and Hobbes ride a wagon downhill): I think life should be more like TV.
CALVIN: I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in thirty minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns.
CALVIN: I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified.
CALVIN (as the wagon flies off a cliff): Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns.
CALVIN (as he and Hobbes tumble in mid-air): Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?
HOBBES (as they pick themselves up from the ground): I think my life is too featherbrained already.
CALVIN: Of course, if life was really like that, what would we watch on TV?
CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
CALVIN: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?
CALVIN’S DAD: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just the world was black and white then.
CALVIN: Really?
CALVIN’S DAD: Yep. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
CALVIN: That’s really weird.
CALVIN’S DAD: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.
CALVIN: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?
CALVIN’S DAD: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
CALVIN: But … but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?
CALVIN’S DAD: Of course, but they turned colors like everything did in the ’30s.
CALVIN: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color, too?
CALVIN’S DAD: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?
CALVIN [Later, in a tree]: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes.
HOBBES: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
HOBBES: A new decade is coming up.
CALVIN: Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?
HOBBES: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.
CALVIN: I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break!
CALVIN: I’d say that crossed the line from Ironic Coincidence to Evil Omen.
CALVIN: Oh, Great Altar of Passive Entertainment … Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
HOBBES: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.
CALVIN: Hobbes, do you think our morality is defined by our actions, or by what’s in our hearts?
HOBBES: I think our actions show what’s in our hearts.
CALVIN: (after consideration) I resent that!
HOBBES: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1990-11-15)
CALVIN: It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.
CALVIN: “Live for the moment” is my motto. You never know how long you’ve got! You could step into the road tomorrow and — WHAM — you get hit by a cement truck! Then you’d be sorry you put off your pleasures! That’s why I say “Live for the Moment.” What’s your motto?
HOBBES: “Look down the road.”
CALVIN: (walking through snowy field) You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat …. Maybe we’re so sheltered and comfortable that we’ve lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we’ve lost our awe of nature. That’s why I want to ask you, as a tiger, a wild animal close to Nature, what you think we’re put on Earth to do. What’s our purpose in life? Why are we here?
HOBBES: (stating the obvious) We’re here to devour each other alive.
CALVIN: (back in the house, yelling) Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
CALVIN: Well, Hobbes, I guess there’s a moral to all this.
HOBBES: What’s that?
CALVIN: “Snow goons are bad news.”
HOBBES: That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere.
CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.
CALVIN: I think grown-ups just act like they know what they’re doing.
CALVIN: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
HOBBES: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
CALVIN: (after a pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
CALVIN: If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough and there’s no such thing as scruples! People will do anything if the price is right!
HOBBES: What’s your price?
CALVIN: Two bucks cold cash up front.
HOBBES: I don’t know which is worse, … that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
CALVIN: When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.
HOBBES: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.
CALVIN: It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
HOBBES: Have you an idea for your story yet?
CALVIN: No, I’m waiting for inspiration. You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
HOBBES: What mood is that?
CALVIN: Last-minute panic.
CALVIN: I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
CALVIN: A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
CALVIN: I’m a simple man, Hobbes.
HOBBES: You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!
CALVIN: I’m a simple man with complex tastes.
CALVIN: It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.
CALVIN: I’ve noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don’t superheroes go after more subtle, realistic bad guys?
HOBBES: Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff.
CALVIN: Hmmm … I think I see the problem.
HOBBES: “Quick! To the Bat-Fax!”
CALVIN: Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life, and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched?
CALVIN: I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn’t understand them! The fact is, I’m being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
HOBBES: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
CALVIN: I don’t know, but I refuse to find out!
CALVIN: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
CALVIN: Reality continues to ruin my life.
CALVIN: (wearing a mask and cape, scribbling on his test) Stupendous Man’s stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The Battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The Cotton Gin! (runs from the classroom) Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long kids! Always brush your teeth! KAPWINGGG!
CALVIN: If Mom and Dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
CALVIN: I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.
HOBBES: Why is that?
CALVIN: I’ve discoved my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
HOBBES: Oh, really?
CALVIN: Yes. I am here so everybody can do what I want.
HOBBES: It’s nice to have that cleared up.
CALVIN: Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene, too.
HOBBES: Well, the important thing is that we tried our best.
CALVIN: The important thing is that we lost!
HOBBES: Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
CALVIN: What’s the point of trying if you can’t be a winner?
CALVIN: Miss Wormwood, I have a question about this math lesson.
TEACHER: Yes?
CALVIN: Given that, sooner or later, we’re all just going to die, what’s the point of learning about integers?
TEACHER: Turn to page 83, class.
CALVIN: (sulking) Nobody likes us “big picture” people.
CALVIN: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1993-07-03)
(Source)
After performing a series of tricks with a yo-yo.
CALVIN: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
HOBBES: What’s misunderstood about you?
CALVIN: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.
CALVIN: Today at school, I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered, is it better to do the right thing and fail … or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed?
On the one hand, underserved success gives no satisfaction … but on the other hand, well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either.
Of course, most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. … then again, that doesn’t justify my cheating.
Then I thought, look, cheating on one little test isn’t such a big deal. It doesn’t hurt anyone … but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying.
Still, in the real world, people care about success, not principles … then again, maybe that’s why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma!HOBBES: So what did you decide?
CALVIN: Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper.
HOBBES: Anymore, simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory.
CALVIN: Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
CALVIN: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can’t afford to take that risk.
HOBBES: You’re ignorant, but at least you act on it.
CALVIN: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
CALVIN: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
HOBBES: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re in a tragedy or a farce.
CALVIN: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1993-12-11)
(Source)
See Shakespeare.
CALVIN: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
CALVIN’S DAD: Why is it I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago, but I can’t remember what I just got up to do?
CALVIN: I thought I had a great idea. But it never really took off. In fact, it didn’t even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.
INSTRUCTIONS: “1. Explain Newton’s First Law of Motion in your own words.”
CALVIN: (writing, after a moment of inspiration) Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.
CALVIN: Some days you get up and you already know that things aren’t going to go well. They’re the type of days when you should just give in, put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging.
CALVIN: I’m thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I’ll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialogue!
HOBBES: It would seem you were born for the job.
CALVIN: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old!
CALVIN: I wonder why people are never content with what they have.
HOBBES: Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke, you’ve got no fangs, you can’t see at night, your pink hides are ridiculous, your reflexes are nil, and you don’t even have tails! Of course people aren’t content!
CALVIN: Forget I said anything.
HOBBES: Now if tigers weren’t content, that would be something to wonder about.
CALVIN: I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button and have anything I want.
HOBBES: The American Dream lives on.
CALVIN: Why should I have to work for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!
CALVIN: (in front of the class yelling) Today for “Show and Tell,” I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it.
CALVIN: (grinning evilly) It’s a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! You’ll never, ever know what I brought! You can beg and plead, but I’ll never end your torment!
CALVIN: (laughing) I’ll carry my secret to the grave! It’s the Show and Tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha!
CALVIN: (walking toward the Principal’s door, sulking) Everybody wants the same old thing.
HOBBES: Whatcha doin’?
CALVIN: Looking for frogs.
HOBBES: How come?
CALVIN: I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.
HOBBES: Ah. But of course.
CALVIN: My mandate also includes weird bugs.
CALVIN: How come grown-ups don’t go out to play?
CALVIN’S DAD: Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they’d rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance.
CALVIN: That sounds like a job.
CALVIN’S DAD: … Except you don’t get paid.
CALVIN: So play is worse than work?
CALVIN’S DAD: Being a grown-up is tough.
CALVIN: Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
CALVIN: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.
CALVIN: Why does ice float?
CALVIN’S DAD: Because it’s cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun.
CALVIN: Is that true?
CALVIN’S DAD: Look it up and find out.
CALVIN: (stomping off, frowning) I should just look stuff up in the first place.
CALVIN’S DAD: You can learn a lot, talking to me.
CALVIN: I’m writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how they’re systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. It’s a War of Values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism, so we need your money to keep up the fight!
HOBBES: How cynically unconstructive.
CALVIN: Enmity sells.
CALVIN: Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their head.
HOBBES: I wonder which you are.
CALVIN: I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
CALVIN’S MOM: There would be more civility in this world if people didn’t take it as an invitation to walk on you.
CALVIN: Know what’s weird? Day by day nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything is different.
CALVIN: No one recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.
Reading those turgid philosophers here in these remote stone buildings may not get you a job, but if those books have forced you to ask yourself questions about what makes life truthful, purposeful, meaningful, and redeeming, you have the Swiss Army Knife of mental tools, and it’s going to come in handy all the time.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (1990-05-20)
(Source)
If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I’ve found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I’ve had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
You may be surprised to find how quickly daily routine and the demands of “just getting by” absorb your waking hours. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your politics and religion become matters of habit rather than thought and inquiry. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your life in terms of other people’s expectations rather than issues. You may be surprised to find out how quickly reading a good book sounds like a luxury.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
A real job is a job you hate. I designed car ads and grocery ads in the windowless basement of a convenience store, and I hated every single minute of the 4½ million minutes I worked there. My fellow prisoners at work were basically concerned about how to punch the time clock at the perfect second where they would earn another 20 cents without doing any work for it. […] It was a rude shock to see just how empty and robotic life can be when you don’t care about what you’re doing, and the only reason you’re there is to pay the bills.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
I tell you all this because it’s worth recognizing that there is no such thing as an overnight success. You will do well to cultivate the resources in yourself that bring you happiness outside of success or failure. The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all along. It’s a good idea to try to enjoy the scenery on the detours, because you’ll probably take a few.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you’re really buying into someone else’s system of values, rules and rewards.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
Sooner or later, we are all asked to compromise ourselves and the things we care about. We define ourselves by our actions. With each decision, we tell ourselves and the world who we are. Think about what you want out of this life, and recognize that there are many kinds of success.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)
So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.
Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
(Source)