Quotations by:
    Watterson, Bill


CALVIN: God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
(Attributed)

Widely attributed to the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, but searches for the actual comic have come up empty. For more information on references to this quote, see: "God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain…".
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 6-Aug-24
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TEACHER: Explain Newton’s First Law of Motion in your own words.
CALVIN: Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in thirty minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I’m being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
HOBBES: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
CALVIN: I don’t know, but I refuse to find out!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: It’s psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I’ll get a saw.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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HOBBES: Do you think there’s a God?
CALVIN: Well somebody’s out to get me!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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If your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: Reality continues to ruin my life.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I’m a genius, but I’m a misunderstood genius.
HOBBES: What’s misunderstood about you?
CALVIN: Nobody thinks I’m a genius.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: If Mom and Dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: Why should I have to work for everything?! It’s like saying I don’t deserve it!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: My life needs a rewind/erase button.
HOBBES: And a volume control.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about. … Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: Tigers don’t worry about much, do they?
HOBBES: Nope. That’s one of the perks of being feral.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I’ve noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don’t superheroes go after more subtle, realistic bad guys?
HOBBES: Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff.
CALVIN: Hmmm … I think I see the problem.
HOBBES: “Quick! To the Bat-Fax!”

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I’m a simple man, Hobbes.
HOBBES: You?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!
CALVIN: I’m a simple man with complex tastes.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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STUPENDOUS MAN’s supendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The Battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The Cotton Gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now, with a whoosh, STUPENDOUS MAN is off into the sky! So long kids! Always brush your teeth! KAPWINGGG!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 4-Mar-04 | Last updated 4-Mar-04
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CALVIN: I still can’t believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start!
HOBBES: Well, the important thing is that we tried our best.
CALVIN: The important thing is that we lost!
HOBBES: Oops, I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers.
CALVIN: What’s the point of trying if you can’t be a winner?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 7-May-04 | Last updated 9-Nov-10
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I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn’t even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes
 
Added on 27-May-09 | Last updated 18-May-09
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CALVIN: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
HOBBES: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re in a tragedy or a farce.
CALVIN: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (11 Dec 1990)
 
Added on 20-Dec-04 | Last updated 20-Dec-04
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I’d say that crossed the line from Ironic Coincidence to Evil Omen.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (11 May 1990)
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: Well, Hobbes, I guess there’s a moral to all this.
HOBBES: What’s that?
CALVIN: “Snow goons are bad news.”
HOBBES: That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life.
CALVIN: I like maxims that don’t encourage behavior modification.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (19 Jan 1991)
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN: I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.
HOBBES: Why is that?
CALVIN: I’ve discoved my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.
HOBBES: Oh, really?
CALVIN: Yes. I am here so everybody can do what I want.
HOBBES: It’s nice to have that cleared up.
CALVIN: Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene, too.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (1990)
 
Added on 14-Apr-04 | Last updated 14-Apr-04
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CALVIN: The more you know, the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed, you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately, knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action, I can’t afford to take that risk.
HOBBES: You’re ignorant, but at least you act on it.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (21 Sep. 1993?)
 
Added on 21-Sep-04 | Last updated 21-Sep-04
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CALVIN: It’s not denial. I’m just very selective about the reality I accept.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (28 Sep. 1992)
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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CALVIN (walking through snowy field): You know, Hobbes, it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk their cars. We have houses, electricity, plumbing, heat …. Maybe we’re so sheltered and comfortable that we’ve lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe we’ve lost our awe of nature. That’s why I want to ask you, as a tiger, a wild animal close to nature, what do you think we’re put on Earth to do. What’s our purpose in life? Why are we here?
HOBBES: We’re here to devour each other alive.
CALVIN (in the house): Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin & Hobbes (6 Jan 1991)
 
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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HOBBES: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.

CALVIN: That’s love?!?

HOBBES: Medically speaking.

CALVIN: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!

calvin & hobbes 1986 02 16

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1986-02-16)
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HOBBES: Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?

CALVIN: Questions I know the answers to I don’t need to ask, right?

calvin & hobbes 1986 03 30 excerpt

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1986-03-30)
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calvin & hobbes 1986 04 14 excerpt

CALVIN: It’s not fair!

CALVIN’S DAD: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.

CALVIN: I know, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1986-04-14)
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calvin & hobbes 1986 05 26

CALVIN: There’s no problem so awful that you can’t add some guilt to it and make it even worse!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1986-05-26)
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calvin & hobbes 1986 09 27 - click to see larger image

CALVIN: I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1986-09-27)
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calvin & hobbes 1987 02 12 excerpt

CALVIN: Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1987-02-12)
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CALVIN: Dad, how do people make babies?

CALVIN’S DAD: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.

CALVIN: I came from Sears??

CALVIN’S DAD: No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.

CALVIN: AAUUGHHH!

CALVIN’S MOM [off panel]: Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!

calvin & hobbes 1987 04 18 full

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1987-04-18)
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calvin & hobbes 1989 05 10 excerptCALVIN’S DAD: It’s funny … when I was a kid, I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything, and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up, you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I don’t think I would have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I’d know the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1989-05-10)
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After their house has been burgled.
 
Added on 3-Jun-24 | Last updated 4-Jun-24
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CALVIN: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn’t they have color film back then?

CALVIN’S DAD: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It’s just the world was black and white then.

CALVIN: Really?

CALVIN’S DAD: Yep. The world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

CALVIN: That’s really weird.

CALVIN’S DAD: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

CALVIN: But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn’t artists have painted it that way?

CALVIN’S DAD: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

CALVIN: But … but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn’t their paints have been shades of gray back then?

CALVIN’S DAD: Of course, but they turned colors like everything did in the ’30s.

CALVIN: So why didn’t old black and white photos turn color, too?

CALVIN’S DAD: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

CALVIN [Later, in a tree]: The world is a complicated place, Hobbes.

HOBBES: Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.

calvin & hobbes 1989 10 29

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1989-10-29)
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Added on 29-Oct-24 | Last updated 29-Oct-24
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HOBBES: A new decade is coming up.

CALVIN: Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the Moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? Ha! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?

HOBBES: Frankly, I’m not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they’ve got.

CALVIN: I mean, look at this! We still have the weather?! Give me a break!

calvin & hobbes 1989 12 30

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1989-12-30)
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calvin & hobbes 1990 10 13

CALVIN: Oh, Great Altar of Passive Entertainment … Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1990-10-13)
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calvin & hobbes 1990 11 15 excerpt

HOBBES: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1990-11-15)
 
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CALVIN: If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough and there’s no such thing as scruples! People will do anything if the price is right!

HOBBES: What’s your price?

CALVIN: Two bucks cold cash up front.

HOBBES: I don’t know which is worse, … that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

calvin & hobbes 1992 04 08

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1992-04-08)
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CALVIN: When I grow up, I’m not going to read the newspaper and I’m not going to follow complex issues and I’m not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn’t represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn’t work and justify my further lack of participation.

HOBBES: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.

CALVIN: It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

calvin & hobbes 1992 05 18

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1992-05-18)
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calvin & hobbes 1992 05 21

HOBBES: Have you an idea for your story yet?

CALVIN: No, I’m waiting for inspiration. You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

HOBBES: What mood is that?

CALVIN: Last-minute panic.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1992-05-21)
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calvin & hobbes 1992 08 08 excerpt

CALVIN: A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1992-08-08)
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calvin & hobbes 1995 03 13 excerpt

CALVIN: I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1995-03-13)
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calvin & hobbes 1995 11 04 excerpt

CALVIN: Know what’s weird? Day by day nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything is different.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (1995-11-04)
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CALVIN: Well. I’ve decided I do believe in Santa Claus, no matter how preposterous he sounds.
HOBBES: What convinced you?
CALVIN: A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of belief? Heck, I’ll believe anything they want.
HOBBES: How cynically enterprising of you.
CALVIN: It’s the spirit of Christmas.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Calvin and Hobbes (23 Dec 1987)
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Added on 16-Dec-19 | Last updated 16-Dec-19
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CALVIN: Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?
HOBBES: Nah.
CALVIN: Oh, I do.
HOBBES: Really? How come?
CALVIN: Life’s a lot more fun when you’re not responsible for your actions.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Weirdos from Another Planet (1990)
 
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Reading those turgid philosophers here in these remote stone buildings may not get you a job, but if those books have forced you to ask yourself questions about what makes life truthful, purposeful, meaningful, and redeeming, you have the Swiss Army Knife of mental tools, and it’s going to come in handy all the time.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (1990-05-20)
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Added on 8-Jun-23 | Last updated 8-Jun-23
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If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I’ve found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I’ve had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 31-Oct-13 | Last updated 31-Oct-13
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You may be surprised to find how quickly daily routine and the demands of “just getting by” absorb your waking hours. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your politics and religion become matters of habit rather than thought and inquiry. You may be surprised to find how quickly you start to see your life in terms of other people’s expectations rather than issues. You may be surprised to find out how quickly reading a good book sounds like a luxury.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 7-Nov-13 | Last updated 7-Nov-13
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A real job is a job you hate. I designed car ads and grocery ads in the windowless basement of a convenience store, and I hated every single minute of the 4½ million minutes I worked there. My fellow prisoners at work were basically concerned about how to punch the time clock at the perfect second where they would earn another 20 cents without doing any work for it. […] It was a rude shock to see just how empty and robotic life can be when you don’t care about what you’re doing, and the only reason you’re there is to pay the bills.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 14-Nov-13 | Last updated 14-Nov-13
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I tell you all this because it’s worth recognizing that there is no such thing as an overnight success. You will do well to cultivate the resources in yourself that bring you happiness outside of success or failure. The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all along. It’s a good idea to try to enjoy the scenery on the detours, because you’ll probably take a few.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you’re really buying into someone else’s system of values, rules and rewards.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 5-Dec-13 | Last updated 5-Dec-13
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Sooner or later, we are all asked to compromise ourselves and the things we care about. We define ourselves by our actions. With each decision, we tell ourselves and the world who we are. Think about what you want out of this life, and recognize that there are many kinds of success.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 12-Dec-13 | Last updated 12-Dec-13
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In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 19-Dec-13 | Last updated 19-Dec-13
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More quotes by Watterson, Bill

To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 26-Dec-13 | Last updated 26-Dec-13
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More quotes by Watterson, Bill

So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.

Bill Watterson (b. 1958) American cartoonist
Commencement Address, Kenyon College (20 May 1990)
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Added on 22-Mar-23 | Last updated 22-Mar-23
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More quotes by Watterson, Bill