SUSAN: Sally, does it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence?
SALLY: Susan, age brings you more to shave.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×01 “Flushed” (2000-05-12)
(Source)
Quotations by:
Moffat, Steven
JANE: Friendship’s more lasting than love. And more legal than stalking.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×02 “Size Matters” (2000-05-19)
(Source)
JEFF: I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers… that’s the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you’re a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman with let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
PATRICK: That’s your foreplay tip? Socks?
JEFF: Many men have fallen through the sock gap, Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×02 “Size Matters” (2000-05-19)
(Source)
JEFF: You’re not ready for the Giggle Loop. […] Basically, it’s like a feedback loop. You’re somewhere quiet. There’s people. It’s a — it’s a solemn occasion. A wedding. No — it’s a minute’s silence for someone who’s died. […] Minute’s silence ticking away. Tick. Tick. Tick. The Giggle Loop begins. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this thought comes into your head: the worst thing I could possibly do during a minute’s silence is laugh. (Overturns an empty beer glass) And as soon as you think that, you almost do laugh, automatic reaction. But you don’t, you control yourself. You’re fine. Whoo — but then you think how terrible it would have been if you’d laughed out loud in the middle of a minute’s silence. And so you nearly do it again, only this time it’s a bigger laugh. (Stacks a beer glass on top of the first one) And then you think how awful this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it’s a very big laugh. (Stacks another glass) It’s an enormous laugh! Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash! (Stacks another glass) Suddenly, you’re in the middle of this completely silent room (Stacks another glass) and your shoulders are going like you’re drilling the road! And what do you think of this situation? Oh, dear Christ, you think it’s funny!
JILL: (about the porn film “Lesbian Spank Inferno”) How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?
STEVE: Oh, because it’s got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I’m a bloke! I’m supposed to like them! We’re born like that! We like naked women as soon as we’re pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we’re already enjoying the view. Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a boy is. And if you don’t like it, darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that’s what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn’t say “Hey, let’s cook!” He said: “Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!” As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of — hey! — naked bottoms. We’ve turned the Internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms! So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I’m not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×04 “Inferno” (2000-06-02)
(Source)
(Source (Video), 26:23; dialog validated)
JANE: So, Steve, Susan tells us you’ve been using pornography. (Everyone at the dinner party leans in.)
STEVE: (after a beat, scoffs) “Using pornography”? What a strange expression, Jane. Um, I enjoy erotica, if that’s what you mean. But then, doesn’t everyone? I certainly don’t “use pornography,” whatever that means. That makes me sound like — some kind of —
SALLY: Wanker?
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×04 “Inferno” (2000-06-02)
(Source)
(Source (Video), 18:26; dialog validated)
JANE: Could you remind lovely Susan that Jill and I are vegetarians?
STEVE: You’re what?
JILL: You’re not a vegetarian!
JANE: I’m a bi-vegetarian!
JILL: What? That doesn’t exist! It’s not possible!
JANE: I’m an emotional vegetarian, Jill. I know a lot of vegetarians and we tend to like the same films. Do you have a problem with that?
JILL: You could never finish your greens and you could suck a whole pig through a straw.
JANE: I’m not exclusively vegetarian, Jill, if that’s what you’re trying to say. Vegetarianism for me is about, mmmm, saying yes to things — even meat.
JILL: No, it isn’t.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×04 “Inferno” (2000-06-02)
(Source)
Verified against Source (Video), at 13:21.
JEFF: See, women think we’re normal, like them, ’cause we talk to them like normal people, you know, we say, “Hello. How are you? Haven’t seen you in this place before. What kind of music do you like?” But all the time in our brains, we’ve got the word “breasts” on a loop. If we ever lost control for a second, we’d all start shouting “Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!”
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 01×05 “The Girl with Two Breasts” (2000-06-09)
(Source)
(Source (Video), at 3:08)
STEVE: (at the furniture store; holds up a decorative furniture pillow) What — is this?
SUSAN: It’s a cushion.
STEVE: Right! Yes! It’s a cushion! Thank you for that, very informative. (to Jeff) Have you got any of these?
JEFF: No.
STEVE: Of course you haven’t. (to clerk) — You. You married? Living with anyone?
JUNIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: No.
STEVE: Got any of these?
JUNIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: No.
STEVE: Of course not! Okay. (looking at Susan and her female friends) You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions! Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men, everywhere — I just need to ask, please, what are they for? I mean, look, look at the chubby little bastards, just sitting around everywhere. What are they? Pets for chairs? (to senior clerk) Come on, you sell them — what are they for?
SENIOR SHOP ASSISTANT: Well — you sit on them.
STEVE: Aha! I see! That’s where you’re wrong! Nobody sits on them. Ok, watch this! Here’s the cushion. I’m putting it on the sofa. Now, watch me! I’m sitting down, and what do I do on my final approach? I — (he moves the cushion from the seat) — oop! — Move the cushion! You see? It’s not involved! It’s not part of the whole sitting process! It just lies there. It’s fat litter! It’s a sofa parasite!
JANE: It’s — you know, padding.
STEVE: Oh, padding! Oh now that’s interesting. See, I like padding. You know, if I was, say, an American football player with all those big bastards running at me, I would say, you know, “Give me some of that padding and be quick about it!” You know, if my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks, I would say, “In view of those jagged rocks down there, I’ll have some of that padding, thank you very much!” But Susan, Sally, Jane, this — is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way so is to shield the unprotected user from the way of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and of course — (he dives behind the sofa and reemerges) — Daleks! You lot trust me, girls, trust me on this one, you do not need padding to tackle upholstery! So please, once and for all, tell me, why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?
SUSAN: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom it might stop you talking!
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 02×03 “Her Best Friend’s Bottom” (2001-09-17)
(Source)
(Source (video); dialog confirmed.)
PATRICK: It was just so embarrassing. I didn’t know what to do.
STEVE: Happens to us all mate.
JEFF: All of us, in our time, are visited by the Melty Man.
PATRICK: The what?
JEFF: Don’t say his name, Patrick. Don’t even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
PATRICK: (chuckle) Terrified pants?
STEVE: (gravely) There’s nothing funny about the Melty Man, Patrick.
PATRICK: (face falls) You know about the Melty Man, too?
STEVE: We all know the Melty Man.
PATRICK: Who is he?
STEVE: The archenemy of trouser confidence.
JEFF: Professor Moriarty, in groin form.
STEVE: Darth Vader.
JEFF: Without the helmet.
PATRICK: What does he do?!
JEFF: Patrick, you know what he does.
PATRICK: (looks down) Oh, right.
JEFF: You’re in bed with a woman. Everything’s going fine. That’s when the Melty Man strikes.
STEVE: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, “Maybe she’s really bored.”
JEFF: Maybe you’re licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
STEVE: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what happens if one breast gets ahead?
JEFF: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish ’em both together and do them at once?
STEVE: Or are you allowed to just skip one breast completely, just to save time?
JEFF: She’s wriggling about a bit. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?
STEVE: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start at the top again?
JEFF: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt?
STEVE: And then, the killer — out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her (huskily) “baby.”
JEFF: You never called her baby before.
STEVE: You’ve never called anyone baby before.
JEFF: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you’re starting to blush.
STEVE: Now, you’re blushing and you’ve got an erection. No-one’s got enough blood!
JEFF: (Scotty voice) It’s the engines, Cap’n! They cannae take it!
STEVE: Then the Melty Man hits you with his secret weapon.
JEFF: Just one single thought placed in your mind at this crucial time.
STEVE: “Please God! Don’t let me lose my erection!”
JEFF: (lowers his hand) Poof.
PATRICK: (with terror and disblief) How do you guys manage to have sex?
STEVE: We don’t.
JEFF: I haven’t had sex in years.
STEVE: It’s just not possible anymore.
JEFF: We are followers of the Melty Man.
STEVE: And you are one of us now.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 02×04 “The Melty Man Cometh” (2001-09-24)
(Source)
(Source (Video) -- dialog verified)
SALLY: It’s a scientific fact that if you say “naked” three or more times, to any man, he has to cross his legs.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 02×09 “Naked” (2001-10-22)
(Source)
JANE: Oh, I know about pretending. I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d’you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane.
SALLY: But you’re Jane.
JANE: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 02×09 “The End of the Line” (2001-10-29)
(Source)
(Source (Video) at 3:31; dialog verified)
JANE: Some people think that external beauty comes from inner tranquility. Of course, some people think it comes from drinking the blood of virgins, so there’s quite a range there.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 03×01 “Split” (2002-09-23)
(Source)
STEVE: (to Susan) It is not scientifically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. And that’s not fair, because you always know what we want.
PATRICK: We always have the decency to only want one thing.
STEVE: And do you ever thank us for making it so simple?
PATRICK: Never!
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Coupling, 03×02 “Faithless” (2002-09-30)
(Source)
(Source (Video) at 24:03; dialog verified)
HOLMES: I’m not a psychopath, Anderson, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Sherlock, 01×01 “A Study in Pink” (2010-07-25)
(Source)
HOLMES: Dear God, what is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Sherlock, 01×01 “A Study in Pink” (2010-07-25)
(Source)
WATSON: Pink. You got all that because you realized the case would be pink?
HOLMES: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.
WATSON: Why didn’t I think of that?
HOLMES: Because you’re an idiot. [WATSON looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don’t be like that. Practically everyone is.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Sherlock, 01×01 “A Study in Pink” (2010-07-25)
(Source)
(Source (Video); dialog verified)
MYCROFT: You’ve met him. How many friends do you imagine he has? I’m the closest thing to a friend that Sherlock Holmes is capable of having.
WATSON: And what’s that?
MYCROFT: An enemy.
WATSON: An enemy?
MYCROFT: In his mind, certainly. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say an arch-enemy. He does love to be dramatic.
WATSON: Well, thank God you’re above all that.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Sherlock, 01×01 “A Study in Pink” (2010-07-25)
(Source)
(Source (Video); dialogue confirmed)
HOLMES: That’s the frailty of genius, John. It needs an audience.
Steven Moffat (b. 1961) Scottish television writer, producer
Sherlock, 01×01 “A Study in Pink” (2010-07-25)
(Source)
(Source (Video); dialog confirmed)