Quotations by Carlin, George


A Reverend Donald Wildmon in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio? Two. Knobs. On the radio. Of course, I’m sure the reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it … But hey, Reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! One of them turns the radio off, and the other one changes the station! Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station! It’s called freedom of choice, and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon. Look it up in the library, Reverend, if you have any of them left when you’ve finished burning all the books.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
“What Am I Doing in New Jersey?” (1988)
Added on 1-Apr-21 | Last updated 1-Apr-21
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Anyone who goes faster than me is an idiot. Anyone who goes slower than me is a moron. “Look at that idiot! Get outta my way, you moron! Look at that idiot!”

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Added on 31-Jan-05 | Last updated 31-Jan-05
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Just think how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are even stupider!

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Added on 20-Jan-10 | Last updated 20-Jan-10
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1997)
Added on 3-Mar-09 | Last updated 3-Mar-09
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Brain Droppings (1998)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)
Added on 7-Jan-15 | Last updated 7-Jan-15
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Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, He will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, ’til the end of time!  But He loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Remarks, Politically Incorrect, (29 May 1997)
Added on 10-Feb-09 | Last updated 10-Feb-09
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