I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Quotations by:
Carlin, George
Just think how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are even stupider!
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
(Attributed)
Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes (Part 1)”
(Source)
This phrase, or its meaning, pre-dates Carlin. Carlin himself attributes it to "Anon." in the epigraph of his next book, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001).
A version of it is often misattributed to Friedrich Nietzsche in this English form:And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
While this English quotation does show up back into the 19th Century, there is no evidence that Nietzsche said it.
For more discussion, see:The phrase and its meaning are related to Thoreau's metaphor of "marching to the beat of a different drummer."
- Quote Origin: Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane by Those Who Can’t Hear the Music – Quote Investigator®.
- Nietzsche Didn't Say That... But He Would've Agreed.
The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes (Part 1)”
(Source)
We’re all amateurs; it’s just that some of us are more professional about it than others.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes (Part 1)”
(Source)
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes [Part 1]”
(Source)
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes [Part 2]”
(Source)
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Short Takes [Part 2]”
(Source)
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (1997), Brain Droppings, “Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help”
(Source)
In the midst of all my bitching, you might’ve noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there’s no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck.
But where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky; they don’t pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they’re elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let’s face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.
Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it’s as simple as that. And term limits don’t help. All you do is get a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2001), Napalm & Silly Putty, “Don’t Blame the Leaders”
(Source)
(Source (audio)). The audiobook version is trivially different (emphasis added):In the midst of all my bitching, you might've noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to other people. There's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck.
But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with in this country. Garbage in, garbage out.
Ignorant citizens elect ignorant leaders, it's as simple as that. And term limits don't help. All you do is get a brand new bunch of ignorant leaders.
So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.” Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.
Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2001), Napalm & Silly Putty, “Don’t Blame the Leaders”
(Source)
(Source (Audio)). The audiobook version is trivially different (emphasis added):So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody, wouldn't it? "The public sucks. Elect me." Put the blame where it belongs: on the people.
Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, then where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don't have people like that. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.
One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is “Libertarian”. People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it’s just one more bullshit political philosophy.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2001), Napalm & Silly Putty, “Short Takes”
(Source)
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2004), When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, “Bits and Pieces”
(Source)
The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we’re getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Technically, we’re all pre-dead.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2004), When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, “Euphemisms: Political-Interest Groups,” “A Bunny in the Oven?”
(Source)
(Source (Audiobook); dialogue verified)
Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. And by the way, if you don’t think men are stupid, check the newspaper. […] And if you don’t think women are crazy, ask a man. That’s the one thing men aren’t stupid about: they know for sure, way deep down in their hearts, that women are straight-out fucking nuts.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2004), When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, “Guys & Dolls: Part 1”
(Source)
One of the codicils of my will is: “I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Book (2019), Last Words, ch. 18 [with Tony Hendra]
(Source)
If you’ll scratch a cynic, you’ll find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview (2001-07) by Marc Cooper, The Progressive
(Source)
A documented case of a trademark phrase Carlin frequently used, though not necessarily original with him.
Often quoted as "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
It’s always sort of amused me that mankind has been able to come up with a lot of things, two of them being napalm — which is a jellied substance that burns the skin and kills — and Silly Putty, which is something that you can press onto a comic and see a backwards picture of Popeye. And somewhere between these two extremes lies our truth. And I don’t know how good we are at pursuing it.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview (2001-07) by Marc Cooper, The Progressive
(Source)
Discussing the title of his new book, Napalm and Silly Putty.
But the thing I must point out is that my despair is of the group itself, the group as it’s assembled. And I’ve never identified with the “local group,” no matter what it identifies itself as. But I do cherish, and love, and am thrilled by individuals. People, one by one as I meet them, I find are wondrous. When you have time to listen and watch them, when you look them in the eyes, you see all the potential of the whole thing, this whole species that has such a wonderful gift that was given by nature. The mind, the ability to objectify and to think abstractly. And we’ve wasted it by everyone wanting a fanny pack and to go to the mall and to be paying 18 percent interest on things that we don’t need, don’t want, don’t work, and can’t give back.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Interview (2001-07) by Marc Cooper, The Progressive
(Source)
There are four hundred thousand words in the English language, and there are seven of them you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is: 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad; they’d have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! “All of you over here. You seven? BAD WORDS.” That’s what they told us they were, remember? “That’s a bad word!” No bad words; bad thoughts, bad intentions … and words.
You know the seven, don’t you, that you can’t say on television? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war.George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1972-05-27), Class Clown, Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, Santa Monica, California
(Source (Audio))
Carlin's famous "Seven Words" sketch -- which led to his arrest at some venues where he performed it.
Have you ever noticed when driving that anyone who is driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac? “Say, look at this idiot here! Will you just look at this idiot, just creeping along — whoa, look at that maniac go!” I mean, it’s a wonder we ever get anywhere at all, with all the idiots and maniacs there are.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1984-04-19), On Campus, “Cars and Driving,” University of California, Los Angeles
(Source (Video); dialog verified)
This skit was put in text in Napalm & Silly Putty, "Cars and Driving, Part 1," "Idiots and Maniacs" (2001):Have you ever noticed when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac? "Will you look at this idiot!" [points right] "Look at him! Just creepin' along!" [swings head left] "Holy shit! Look at that maniac go!" Why, I tell ya, folks, it's a wonder we ever get anywhere at all these days, what with all the idiots and maniacs out there.
Which was in turn recorded as an audiobook by Carlin. Note the audio version of the book adds "Whoa!" in front of "Holy shit!" and omits the words "these days."
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1986-05-02), “Hello-Goodbye,” Playin’ With Your Head, Beverly Theatre, Los Angeles (HBO)
Explained in the routine as part of a series of rotating "good-bye" phrases he uses.
(Source (Video)). Routine collected in Napalm & Silly Putty (2001).
And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we’ve enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig’s disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and PARANOIA!!
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1986-05-02/03), Playin’ with Your Head, “Things to Watch Out For,” Beverly Theater, Los Angeles
(Source)
And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that’s our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: this country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? “You give us a color, we’ll wipe it out!”
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1988-08-15), What Am I Doing in New Jersey?, Park Performing Arts Center, Union City, New Jersey (HBO)
(Source)
(Source (Video); dialog verified)
A Reverend Donald Wildmon in Mississippi heard something on the radio that he didn’t like. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two knobs on the radio? Two. Knobs. On the radio.
Of course, I’m sure the reverend isn’t that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it.
But hey, Reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! One of them turns the radio off, and the other one changes the station! Imagine that, Reverend, you can actually change the station! It’s called freedom of choice, and it’s one of the principles this country was founded upon.
Look it up in the library, Reverend, if you have any of them left when you’ve finished burning all the books.George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1988-08-15), What Am I Doing in New Jersey?, Park Performing Arts Center, Union City, New Jersey (HBO)
The planet will be here for a long, long, long time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the Earth will be renewed.
And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the Earth plus plastic. The planet doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth. The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question, “Why are we here?”
“Plastic … assholes.”George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1992-04-25), Jammin’ in New York, “The Planet Is Fine,” Paramount Theater, New York City (HBO)
(Source)
Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the Unborn. They will do anything for the Unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neo-natal care. No daycare. No Head Start. No school lunch. No food stamps. No welfare. No nothing. If you’re pre-born you’re fine. If you’re pre-school, you’re fucked.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1996-03-29), Back in Town, “Abortion,” Beacon Theatre, New York City (HBO)
(Source)
(Source (Video), dialogue confirmed)
And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say, “Jesus made me drop the ball.” “The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.” According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those “miracles.”
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1996-03-29), Back in Town, “Free-Floating Hostility,” Beacon Theatre, New York City (HBO)
(Source)
(Source (Video); text confirmed)
Religion — easily — has the Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told! Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man — living in the sky — who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things He does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, He has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time! But He loves you! He loves you. He loves you and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise — somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, holy shit!
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (1999-02-06), You Are All Diseased, Beacon Theater, New York City (HBO)
(Source)
(Source (Video)).Reprinted, slightly edited, in Napalm & Silly Putty, "Bullshit from the Sky" (2001):Religion -- easily -- has the Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told! Think about it: religion has actually convinced people -- many of them adults -- that there's an invisible man who lives in the sky and watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And who has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to remain and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time! But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money. He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, but somehow ... he just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, pays no taxes, and somehow always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy shit!
Another nice thing about getting old is you can leave any social event early just by saying you’re tired.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (2008-03-01), It’s Bad for Ya, “Old Fuck,” Wells Fargo Center, Santa Rosa, California (HBO)
(Source (Audio); dialogue verified)
Variant: "One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired."
Folks, I hate to spoil your fun, but — there’s no such thing as rights. Okay? They’re imaginary. We made ’em up. […] Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer, get on the Internet, go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia I want you to type in “Japanese-American 1942,” and you’ll find all about your precious fucking rights, okay? […] Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took ’em away. And rights aren’t “rights” if someone can take ’em away — they’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country is a Bill of Temporary Privileges. And if you read the news, even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter.
George Carlin (1937-2008) American comedian
Show (2008-03-01), It’s Bad for Ya, Wells Fargo Center for the Arts, Santa Rosa, California (HBO)
(Source)