Quotations by Barry, Dave


The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” # 9 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #11 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #12 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #17 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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You should not confuse your career with your life.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #20 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #21 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #22 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #23 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years,” #25 (1997)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 20-Oct-14
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I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: “Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,” or “Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar”
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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I have never gotten into wine. I’m a beer man. What I like about beer is you basically just drink it, then you order another one. You don’t sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, and above all you don’t drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person who enjoys talking about the importance of relief pitching, whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Daze of Wine and Roses,” Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits (1988)
Added on 23-Oct-14 | Last updated 23-Oct-14
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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Kids Today: They Don’t Know Dum Diddly Do”
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Peace on Earth, but No Parking”
Added on 23-Dec-16 | Last updated 23-Dec-16
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Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don’t mind living in pools of warm slime.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Sex and the Single Amoeba”
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Puns are little ‘plays on words’ that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
“Why Humor is Funny”
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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I demand to know how much longer the so-called “authorities” intend to continue ignoring the international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms.
At this point you’re thinking: “WHAT international spate of alarming incidents involving bosoms?” Unless, of course, you’re a man, in which case you’re thinking only: “Bosoms!” The male brain has an entire lobe devoted to this topic.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(29 Apr. 2001)
Added on 12-May-04 | Last updated 12-May-04
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An entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the DMV.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Pornography is like tooth decay, eating slowly away at the molars of our morals, and if it is not stopped we will wind up as a toothless nation, gumming at the raw meat of international competition while the drool of decadence dribbles down our collective chin and messes up the clean tablecloth of our children’s futures.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Williamsburg is an authentic colonial restored place in Virginia where people in authentic uncomfortable clothing demonstrate how horrible it was to live in historical colonial times.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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We don’t know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when we get there we will not have enough RAM.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Gradually, without noticing it, you turn into a Republican and judge everything on the basis of whether or not it will increase your taxes.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
(Attributed)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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We were one of those wretched traveling families you see getting on planes — the kind where you don’t actually see the people, just this mound of baby equipment shuffling slowly down the aisle toward you. This sight is always hugely popular with the other passengers, some of whom will yank open the emergency exits and dive out of the plane. Because they know what babies do on planes: They stand on their parents’ laps and stick their heads up over the seats, so they can get maximum range when they shriek. On a baby-intensive airplane, you see shrieking baby heads constantly popping up all over, like prairie dogs from hell.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Boogers Are My Beat (2003)
Added on 6-Mar-13 | Last updated 6-Mar-13
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Nothing is ever really buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie Night of the Living Dead, you have a rough idea how modern corporations and organizations operate, with projects and proposals that everybody thought were killed constantly rising from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Claw Your Way to the Top (1986)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today’s complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you’re a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry in Cyberspace (1996)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry Turns 50, “Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn” (1998)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry’s Bad Habits (1993)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (1996)
Added on 26-Nov-07 | Last updated 26-Nov-07
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I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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If you were standing in the middle of a bridge spanning a wilderness gorge, at the bottom of which was a spectacular white-water river, what would you do?
FEMALE RESPONSE: Admire the view.
MALE RESPONSE: Spit.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald (12 May 1996)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Toddlers have plenty of energy. During a standard restaurant meal, a standard toddler can easily toddle fifty-eight miles in totally random directions, while your hamburger cools and eventually reverts to a frozen patty. You have to follow toddlers closely at all times, because they could cheerfully toddle right out the door and into the path of a cement truck.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald (18 Feb. 2001)

http://hollandsentinel.com/stories/021801/fea_duck.shtml
Added on 14-Oct-05 | Last updated 14-Oct-05
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There are vital reasons why guys are interested in technology, and women should not give them a hard time about always wanting to have the “latest gadget.” And when I say “women,” I mean “my wife.” For example, as a guy, I feel I need a new computer every time a new model comes out, which is every fifteen minutes. This baffles my wife, who has had the same computer since the Civil War and refuses to get a new one because — get THIS for an excuse — the one she has works fine.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald (27 Jan 2001)
Added on 17-Oct-05 | Last updated 26-Nov-12
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The Humvee has a feature that allows you to inflate or deflate your tires as you drive. In a perfect guy universe this would seriously impress women.

GUY: “Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!”

WOMAN: “Pull over right now, so we can engage in wanton carnality!”

Unfortunately, the real world doesn’t work this way. I know this because when I took my wife for a ride in the Humvee, we had this conversation:

ME: “Look! I can inflate the tires as I drive!”

MY WIFE: “Why?”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald (7 Jan. 2001)
Added on 14-Oct-05 | Last updated 8-Apr-11
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In 1995, at the Citadel — the South Carolina military academy where courageous specimens of Southern manhood receive the rigorous training and character development they need to be able to fight any enemy, meet any challenge, and face any danger — many courageous manhood specimens became extremely upset when, for a little while, they had to go to school with — Yikes! — a girl! Oh no! Cooties!

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “A Year That Felt Like a Century” (13 Jan. 1996)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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A Harris survey was released showing that 70 percent of men do not view birth control as their responsibility. This resulted in the usual round of male-bashing by the usual critics, who as usual failed to note the many areas in which men take on MORE than their fair share of responsibility; such as spider-killing, channel-changing, referee-critiquing, scratching, and traffic gestures.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “A Year That Felt Like a Century” (13 Jan. 1996)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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Women often ask, “What do men really want, deep in their souls?” The best answer — based on in-depth analysis of the complex and subtle interplay of thought, instinct, and emotion that constitutes the male psyche — is that, deep in their souls, men want to watch stuff go “bang.”

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s a . . . BONK!” (2 Oct. 1994)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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The Internet [is] a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, “people without lives.” We don’t care. We have each other

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “Only a Real Stud Hombre CyberMuffin Can Handle ‘Windows'” (1994)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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No matter how much you love your spouse, eventually the smooth unblemished surface of your relationship will be marred by a small pimple of anger, which, if ignored, can grow into a major festering zit of rage that will explode and spew forth a really disgusting metaphor that I don’t wish to pursue any further here.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Miami Herald, “To Love, Honor, and Ask for Directions” (31 Jan. 1994)
Added on 1-Feb-04 | Last updated 1-Feb-04
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to no one in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Dave Barry (b. 1947) American humorist
Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead (1985)
Added on 19-Feb-14 | Last updated 19-Feb-14
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