We are all born charming, frank, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
Quotations by:
Martin, Judith
In a fit of exasperation, Miss Manners once demanded of a six-year-old person how it could be so childish and was forced to admit the justice of its reply, “I’m a child.”
Ideological differences are no excuse for rudeness.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1978-10-08)
(Source)
On interactions between the general public and picketers, though she has used the phrase on other occasions.
Reprinted in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 "Basic Civilization," "Common Courtesy for All Ages" (1983).
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When does a gentleman offer his arm to a lady as they are walking down the street together?
GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, only when he can be practical assistance to her. That is, when the way is steep, dark, crowded, or puddle-y. However, it is rather a cozy juxtaposition, less compromising than walking hand in hand, and rather enjoyable for people who are fond of each other, so Miss Manners allows some leeway in interpreting what is of practical assistance. One wouldn’t want a lady to feel unloved walking down the street, any more than one would want her to fall of the curb.
In artful boasting, one states all the information necessary to impress people, but keeps the facts decently clothed in the language of humility. Useful approaches include Disbelief, Fear and Manic Elation. For some reason, these are considered to be more attractive human emotions than justifiable pride or self-satisfaction. Probably because they are not as much fun.
Miss Manners’ meager arsenal consists only of the withering look, the insistent and repeated request, the cold voice, the report up the chain of command, and the tilted nose. Also the ability to dismiss inferior behavior from her mind as coming from inferior people. You will perhaps point out that she will never know the joy of delivering a well-deserved sock in the chops. True — but she will never inspire one either.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1980-05-08)
(Source)
It is wrong to wear diamonds before dusk, except on one’s marriage rings. Before, after, and during breakfast, luncheon and dinner, it is vulgar to wear a mixture of colored precious stones. It is always a comfort to know that so many things one can’t afford to do anyway are vulgar.
There is no known correct way to eat pistachio nuts. Nevertheless, they are delicious. The pistachio nut must therefore be Nature’s way of teaching us self-control. If so, it doesn’t work.
Q: Should you tell your mother something if it is important when she is talking to company? I am 6.
A: Yes, you should (after saying “Excuse me”). Here are some of the things that are important to tell your mother, even though she is talking to company:
“Mommy, the kitchen is full of smoke.”
“Daddy’s calling from Tokyo.”
“Jennifer fell out of her crib and I can’t put her back.”
“There’s a policeman at the door and he says he wants to talk to you.”
“I was just reaching for my ball, and the goldfish bowl fell over.”
Now, here are some things that are not important, so they can wait until your mother’s company has gone home:
“Mommy, I’m tired of playing blocks. What shall I do now?”
“The ice-cream truck is coming down the street.”
“Can I give Jennifer the rest of my applesauce?”
“I can’t find my crayons.”Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-03-08)
(Source)
A slightly different version was given in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 "Basic Civilization," "Concerning Children" (1983):DEAR MISS MANNERS:
Should you tell your mother something if it is important when she is talking to company? I am six.
GENTLE READER:
Yes, you should (after saying "Excuse me"). Here are some of the things that are important to tell your mother, even though she is talking to company:
"Mommy, the kitchen is full of smoke."
"Daddy's calling from Tokyo."
"Kristen fell out of her crib and I can't put her back."
"There's a policeman at the door and he says he wants to talk to you."
"I was just reaching for my ball, and the goldfish bowl fell over."
Now, here are some things that are not important, so they can wait until your mother's company has gone home:
"Mommy, I'm tired of playing blocks. What do I do now?"
"The ice-cream truck is coming down the street."
"Can I give Kristen the rest of my applesauce?"
"I can't find my crayons."
"When are we going to have lunch? I'm hungry.”
Machines do not have feelings. […] This is not to say that no inanimate objects have feelings — toys are loaded with feelings, for instance, and only a monster would break the heart of a rag doll.
Miss Manners is amazed at the number of otherwise gentle souls who turn nasty when they are driving. And they all suffer from the wonderful, ostrich-like delusion that they cannot be identified because they are safely inside their cars. It seems silly to her to have to say what good driving manners are. They are the same as the simplest, most obvious of non-driving manners, except that each person is surrounded by thousands of dollars of treacherous metal.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-03-29)
(Source)
Grief often inspires other odd emotions, and pettiness — the jealous assertion of one’s own claims as a mourner — is one of the commonest.
You, sir, are an anarchist, and Miss Manners is frightened to have anything to do with you.
It is true that questioning the table manners of others is rude. But to overthrow the accepted conventions of society, on the flimsy grounds that you have found them silly, inefficient and discomforting, is a dangerous step toward destroying civilization.Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-04-11)
(Source)
Mocking people who make a huge fuss when correcting someone on how they are misusing their fork at the table.
Collected in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 "Basic Civilization," "Table Manners" (1983).
The only wedding custom with a pretense to long tradition and universality, that of public checking up on the consummation of the marriage, seems to have been dropped. Miss Manners can’t think why.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-04-11)
(Source)
On the idea that weddings have rigid and immutable rules, roles, and set pieces that must be adhered to. Collected in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 5 "Marriage (for Beginners)," "Weddings" (1983).
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
Traditionally, a luncheon is a lunch that takes an eon.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1982-04-18)
(Source)
Reprinted in Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, Part 6 "Genuine Social Life," "Social Occasions" (1989). Often incorrectly attributed to Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior (1983).
If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1982-08-28)
(Source)
Widely cited as a Miss Manners quotation, this is actually the headline given in at least some outlets (e.g., The Washington Post) for this date's column (which may or may not have been the title suggested by the column itself). The phrased in an expanded form in the article:In any case, Miss Manners does not believe in ending a summer fling by explaining that it was a summer fling, when the other person might have considered it significant. Neither does one document the decline of one's interest; it is not nearly so charming a story as the build-up of feeling was, at the beginning of the summer.
There is no way to be kind in such an assignment, but you can at least be vague.
When a society abandons its ideals just because most people can’t live up to them, behavior gets very ugly indeed.
Whamming someone smaller than oneself in order to teach that person civilized behavior is not within Miss Manners’ concept of propriety, much less logic.
It is not rude to turn off your telephone by switching it on to an answering machine, which is cheaper and less disruptive than ripping it out of the wall. Those who are offended because they cannot always get through when they seek, at their own convenience, to barge in on people are suffering from a rude expectation.
All this variety is certainly interesting. If there were a standard and everyone met it, how on earth could people tell their ex-spouses from their new ones? If children did not show visible changes, what would encourage their parents to believe that they might ever pass out of the horrible stages they happen to be in?
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1986-01-19)
(Source)
Since the invention of the mirror, everyone knows what he or she looks like and does not find it helpful or enjoyable to have oddities or deficiencies — according to someone else’s standards and tastes — pointed out. And every adult assumes the right of making his or her own decisions about eating, drinking, mating and reproducing, and finds being monitored and instructed — again according to someone else’s preferences — distasteful.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1986-01-19)
(Source)
Should you happen to notice that another person is extremely tall or overweight, eats too much or declines convivial drinks, has red hair or goes about in a wheelchair, ought to get married or ought not to be pregnant — see if you can refrain from bringing these astonishing observations to that person’s attention.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1986-01-19)
(Source)
The challenge of manners is not so much to be nice to someone whose favor and/or person you covet (although more people need to be reminded of that necessity than one would suppose) as to be exposed to the bad manners of others without imitating them.
A small wedding is not necessarily one to which very few people are invited. It is one to which the person you are addressing is not invited.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1991-09-08)
(Source)
Collected in Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings (1995) (also titled in later editions, Miss Manners on Weddings and Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding).
Eating grapes with a knife and fork is not what one would call refined. It is what one would call ludicrous.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1993-03-07)
(Source)
See also Miss Manners (1979).
Contrary to rumor, bridesmaids are not obliged to entertain in honor of the bride, nor to wear clothes that they cannot afford and that make them look stupid.
And no, the bride does not have a “right” to demand either one because it is “her day.” Any sensible person who hears someone speaking in an imperious tone of “her day” would be wise to consider that it therefore isn’t going to be anyone else’s day, and to leave her to enjoy it alone.Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1993-03-07)
(Source)
It is, indeed, a trial to maintain the virtue of humility when one can’t help being right.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1999-02-02)
(Source)
Treat your employees as if they were writing a book about you.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2003-08-17)
(Source)
What we have come to, through a combination of popular psychology and expanding technology, is a presumption that all our thoughts and feelings are worth uttering.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2009-11-19)
(Source)
We are all entitled to our little harmless habits, Miss Manners believes, but we are not entitled to demand approval for them.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2010-05-07)
(Source)
The wisest thing to do, whenever someone says, “I knew you wouldn’t mind,” is to run. No good will follow.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2014-02-18)
(Source)
The stress of making small talk with in-laws is called being part of a family.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2014-02-18)
(Source)
Being listened to should be sufficiently gratifying in itself, whether or not the advice is followed.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2014-05-11)
(Source)
Part of the skill of saying no is to shut up afterward and not babble on, offering material for an argument.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2014-11-04)
(Source)
Dishonesty is not the only alternative to honesty. There is also the highly underrated virtue of shutting up.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2014-12-19)
(Source)
Collected in Minding Miss Manners: In an Era of Fake Etiquette (2020), though with a slight rephrasing:The only alternative to honesty is not dishonesty. There is also the highly underrated virtue of shutting up.
When someone has tried to please you, it is rude, as well as disheartening, to respond by announcing that the effort was a failure.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2015-01-27)
(Source)
Rules that are arbitrary may be nonetheless crucial. Whether we drive on the right or left side of the road is arbitrary, but it is crucial to obey the prevailing rule.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2015-02-01)
(Source)
Home education should include not only the etiquette rules necessary to navigate life, but the underlying principles of manners. These include respect (such as addressing people as they wish to be addressed), fairness (granting others the privileges one claims for oneself) and congeniality (not using threats as an argument).
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2015-03-01)
(Source)
This is often whittled down to "The underlying principles of manners -- respect, fairness, and congeniality."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to eat potato chips?
GENTLE READER: With a knife and fork. A fruit knife and an oyster fork, to be specific. Good heavens, what is the world coming to? Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.
Let us make a special effort to learn to stop communicating with each other, so that we can have some conversation.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1979-09-01)
Reprinted in Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 "Basic Civilization," "Social Intercourse" (1983).
Sometimes misattributed to Mark Twain. Often paraphrased (e.g., "Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation").
More discussion of this quotation: Let Us Make a Special Effort to Stop Communicating with Each Other, So We Can Have Some Conversation – Quote Investigator®
Teacup formality is a part of etiquette, but an infinitesimal part. How about fast-food informality? That is as much a part of etiquette as the teacup. It is all of our behavior and not simply the formal occasion behavior. And, in fact, the more informal the circumstances, usually the more you need etiquette.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
(Source)
Etiquette is about all of human social behavior. Behavior is regulated by law when etiquette breaks down or when the stakes are high — violations of life, limb, property, and so on. Barring that, etiquette is a little social contract we make that we well restrain some of our more provocative impulses in return for living more or less harmoniously in a community.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
(Source)
If you want to go off by yourself and be a hermit, you can do whatever you want. But if you want interaction with other people, then by definition you have to buy into the social contract and restrain some of your behavior some of the time.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
(Source)
If you are required by society to be polite — of course it’s a voluntary system policed only by public opinion — you run into having to have equal respect for people who are not as rich and powerful as you. More than that, because of the concept of noblesse oblige, you are required to treat them even better. So etiquette is the greatest friend of the powerless; without it, might makes right.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
(Source)
Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without a comment is a wonderful social grace […] Children who have the habit of constantly correcting should be stopped before they grow up to drive spouses and everyone else crazy by interrupting stories to say, “No, dear — it was Tuesday, not Wednesday.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
(Attributed)
Widely attributed to Martin, but I am unable to find an original source.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
(Attributed)
Widely attributed to Martin, but no citeable source found. Some sources point to Reader's Digest which, on research, was not helpful.
The charge is often made against etiquette that it is artificial. Yes, indeed, it is. Civilization is artificial. When people extoll the virtues of naturalness, honesty, informality, intimacy, and creativity — watch out. Honesty has come to mean the privilege of insulting you to your face without expecting redress, and creativity that it is wrong to interfere with a child who is destroying your possessions. It is apparently natural behavior to treat the sick, the disabled, and the bereaved with curiosity and distaste, but it is also highly uncivilized.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “In the Quest for Equality, Civilization Itself Is Maligned” (1985)
(Source)
Originally published in The New Republic in 1984.
The natural approach to human relations presumes that to know any person well enough is to love him, and that, therefore, the only human problem is a communication problem. It refuses to admit the possibility that people might be separated by basic, deeply held, genuinely irreconcilable differences — philosophical, political, or religious. Thus, the effort to trivialize etiquette as being a barrier to the happy mingling of souls, actually trivializes intellectual, emotional, and spiritual convictions by characterizing any difference between one person’s and another’s as no more than a simple misunderstanding, easily solved by frank exchanges or orchestrated “encounters.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “In the Quest for Equality, Civilization Itself Is Maligned” (1985)
(Source)
Originally published in The New Republic in 1984.
We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “In the Quest for Equality, Civilization Itself Is Maligned” (1985)
(Source)
Like language, a code of manners can be used with more or less skill, for laudable or for evil purposes, to express a great variety of ideas and emotions. In itself, it carries no moral value, but ignorance in use of this tool is not a sign of virtue.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “Of Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
(Source)
The idea that people can behave naturally, without resorting to an artificial code tacitly agreed upon by their society, is as silly as the idea that they can communicate by a spoken language without commonly accepted semantic and grammatical rules.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
(Source)
The rationale that etiquette should be eschewed because it fosters inequality does not ring true in a society that openly admits to a feverish interest in the comparative status-conveying qualities of sneakers. Manners are available to all, for free.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
(Source)
One reason that the task of inventing manners is so difficult is that etiquette is folk custom, and people have emotional ties to the forms of their youth. That is why there is such hostility between generations in times of rapid change; their manners being different, each feels affronted by the other, taking even the most surface choices for challenges.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
(Source)
Perhaps the greatest rudenesses of our time come not from the callousness of strangers, but from the solicitousness of intimates who believe that their frank criticisms are always welcome, and who feel free to “be themselves” with those they love, which turns out to mean being their worst selves, while saving their best behavior for strangers.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “Those Who Would Change the Country’s Manners Encounter Citizen Resistance” (1985)
(Source)
I have always believed that the key to a happy marriage was the ability to say with a straight face, “Why, I don’t know what you’re worrying about. I thought you were very funny last night, and I’m sure everybody else did, too.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “Those Who Would Change the Country’s Manners Encounter Citizen Resistance” (1985)
(Source)
Precision marching is less important for the bridal party than maintaining the proper facial expressions: The bridegroom must look awed; the bridesmaids, happy and excited; the father of the bride, proud; and the bride, demure. If the bridegroom feels doubtful, the bridesmaids, sulky, the father, worried, and the bride, blasé, nobody wants to know.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings, ch. 1 “General Principles” (1995)
(Source)
Caption for an illustration of the Processional.
Book also titled in later editions Miss Manners on Weddings and Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.
It doesn’t matter whether the bride or the bridegroom writes the letters of thanks for wedding presents provided that these go out immediately after the arrival of each present and are not in the handwriting of the bride’s mother.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings, ch. 13 “Giving and Receiving Thanks” (1995)
(Source)
Also titled in later editions, Miss Manners on Weddings and Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.
To sacrifice the principles of manners, which require compassion and respect, and bat people over the head with their ignorance of etiquette rules they cannot be expected to know is both bad manners and poor etiquette. That social climbers and twits have misused etiquette throughout history should not be used as an argument for doing away with it.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 1 “The Case Against Etiquette” (1996)
(Source)
Indeed, Miss Manners has come to believe that the basic political division in the society is not between liberals and conservatives but between those who believe that they should have a say in the love lives of strangers and those who do not.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 5 “The Law Takes Over from Etiquette” (1996)
(Source)
When people seek to eradicate all forms of shame, Miss Manners gets worried. How are they supposed to feel when they are rude? Proud? A great many do, and Miss Manners thinks they should be ashamed of themselves.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 6 “Etiquette’s Defense System” (1996)
(Source)
Knowing that others have gone through similar tragedies may be a help, but it should be remembered that every tragedy is not only commonplace but also unique.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 9 “Jettisoning Professional Behavior” (1996)
(Source)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever possible to be too polite?
GENTLE READER: When politeness is used to show up other people, it is reclassified as rudeness. Thus it is technically impossible to be too polite.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 13 “Tradition Moves Ahead” (1996)
(Source)
"Miss Manners's Parting Shot." Concluding words of the book.
The invention of the teenager was a mistake, in Miss Manners’ opinion. […] Once you identify a period of life in which people have few restrictions and, at the same time, few responsibilities — they get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes — naturally nobody wants to live any other way.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide for the the Turn-of-the-Millennium, Part 2 “Home Life,” “Parents and Children” (1989)
(Source)
Most often rendered as a slight paraphrase:The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes -- naturally, no one wants to live any other way.
The truly conscientious will not limit themselves to helping with the more exciting parts of one’s life. They are also scrupulous about offering helpful suggestions regarding such mundane matters as your household arrangements, work habits, mannerisms, and use of the language. There is nothing like a good friend to help you out when you are not in trouble.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, Part 1 “Revised Conventions,” “Advice” (1989)
(Source)
The dinner table is the center for the teaching and practicing not just of table manners but of conversation, consideration, tolerance, family feeling, and just about all the other accomplishments of polite society except the minuet.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium, Part 2 “Home Life,” “Parents and Children” (1989)
(Source)
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should I say when I am introduced to a homosexual “couple”?
GENTLE READER: “How do you do?” “How do you do?”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, ch. 3 “Basic Civilization” (1983)
(Source)
If you put together all the ingredients that naturally attract children — sex, violence, revenge, spectacle and vigorous noise — what you have is grand opera.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 9 “Advanced Civilization,” “Play” (1983)
(Source)
Only when the temporarily able-bodied come to accept disabilities as a common human condition will we have a truly civilized society.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children, ch. 1 “Theory and Skills,” “For Auditors” (1984)
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Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. (Rude children belong strictly to their mothers.)
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children, ch. 2 “The Nursery,” “Crade Courtesy” (1984)
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Form comes first in matters of class, and while one hopes that feeling will follow form, going through the form well without it is more acceptable, more classy if you will, than eschewing the form because the feeling isn’t there.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children, ch. 8 “Extra Credit,” “Ethics” (1984)
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In its natural state, the child tells the literal truth because it is too naive to think of anything else. Blurting out the complete truth is considered adorable in the young, right smack up to the moment that the child says, “Mommy, is this the fat lady you can’t stand?” At this point, the parent rightly senses the need to explain kindness.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children, ch. 8 “Extra Credit,” “Ethics” (1984)
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When Miss Manners observes people behaving rudely, she never steps in to correct them. She behaves politely to them, and then goes home and snickers about them afterward. That is what the well-bred person does.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Introduction (1983)
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The proper use of embarrassment is as a conscience of manners. As your conscience might trouble you if you do anything immoral, your sense of embarrassment should be activated if you do anything unmannerly. As conscience should come from within, so should embarrassment. Hot tingles and flushes are quite proper when they arise from your own sense of having violated your own standards, inadvertently or advertently, but Miss Manners hereby absolves everyone from feeling any embarrassment deliberately imposed by others.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Introduction (1983)
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Miss Manners corrects only upon request. Then she does it from a distance, with no names attached, and no personal relationship, however distant, between the corrector and the correctee. She does not search out errors like a policeman leaping out of a speed trap. When Miss Manners observes people behaving rudely, she behaves politely to them, and then goes home and snickers about them afterward.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Introduction (1983)
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People who put slipcovers, doilies, plastic protectors, and cellophane on everything good that they own rarely live to see an occasion so good that all these covers are removed.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 1 “Introduction,” “Some Thoughts on the Impulse Rude” (1983)
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Miss Manners doubts that there is anything in the world like an elegantly dressed Bostonian lurching across the room and diving face first into a bowl of guacamole dip while simultaneously disengaging her bodice from her bosom. Therefore, Miss Manners has a wee bit of trouble preparing a general rule for dealing with this eventuality.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 2 “Intermediate Civilization,” “Procedure” (1983)
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you tell me a tactful way of letting a friend know that she is getting too fat?
GENTLE READER: Can you tell Miss Manners a tactful reason for wanting to do so?
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 “Basic Civilization,” “Common Courtesy for All Ages” (1983)
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Do you have a kinder, more adaptable friend in the food world than soup? Who soothes you when you are ill? Who refuses to leave you when you are impoverished and stretches its resources to give a hearty sustenance and cheer? Who warms you in the winter and cools you in the summer? Yet who also is capable of doing honor to your richest table and impressing your most demanding guests? […]
Soup does its loyal best, no matter what undignified conditions are imposed upon it. But soup knows the difference. Soup is sensitive. You don’t catch steak hanging around when you’re poor and sick, do you? Soup deserves to be treated well.Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 “Basic Civilization,” “Table Manners” (1983)
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Included in the 2005 edition.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How about Easter? I suppose you have etiquette rules that apply to Easter Day?
GENTLE READER: Certainly, and when the Day of Judgment comes, Miss Manners will have etiquette rules to apply to that, as well.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 9 “Advanced Civilization,” “Play” (1983)
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The pejorative term “political correctness” was adapted to express disapproval of the enlargement of etiquette to cover all people, in spite of this being a principle to which all Americans claim to subscribe.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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Every day we have illustrated for us the paradox that it is the very people who violate and condemn the system of expected behavior codified in etiquette who are most outraged when it is violated by others.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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Etiquette systems of one kind or another govern all social intercourse, formal and informal, which is why faulty ones are able to do so much damage. A system that denies the innate human need for dignity to specific categories of people, typically the poor and the enslaved, fosters incendiary resentment.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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Condemning sin should never be confused with eschewing it.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 2 (2003)
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Although making distinctions based on age does violate the concept of total equality, what could be fairer? With any luck, age happens to everyone. According greater respect to greater age is the system most likely to give everyone a fair turn at high status, not to mention its being a nice little consolation for the loss of supple skin and a memory for names.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 3 (2003)
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That it is expedient to kill a king, rather than wait for his natural demise, is something a populace can come to accept, perhaps to relish. That the people’s own customs and costumes are to be radically changed by edict, rather than being allowed to evolve haphazardly and linger sentimentally beyond their time, is not. Yet messing with the national etiquette is one of the great spoils of revolutionary success.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, Prologue (2003)
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People, in forming their opinions of others, are usually lazy enough to go by whatever is most obvious or whatever chance remark they happen to hear. So the best policy is to dictate to others the opinion you want them to have of you.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Style and Substance: A Comedy of Manners, ch. 7 (1986)
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Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.
The etiquette of intimacy is very different from the etiquette of formality, but manners are not just something to show off to the outside world. If you offend the head waiter, you can always go to another restaurant. If you offend the person you live with, it’s very cumbersome to switch to a different family.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Essay (1996-03/04), Modern Maturity magazine
Honesty is a virtue, but not the only one. If you’re in a courtroom, you need the whole truth and nothing but the truth; in the living room, sometimes you need anything but. Often.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Essay (1996-03/04), Modern Maturity magazine
People will say, “Seventy isn’t old, it’s middle-aged,” and I think, middle of what — 140?
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Essay (1996-03/04), Modern Maturity magazine
The whole country wants civility. Why don’t we have it? It doesn’t cost anything. No federal funding, no legislation is involved. One answer is the unwillingness to restrain oneself. Everybody wants other people to be polite to them, but they want the freedom of not having to be polite to others.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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The other part of it is [the belief that] if we just totally opened our souls to one another, we would love one another and get along. This trivializes the fact that people have deep and legitimately-held differences. People think, mistakenly, that etiquette means you have to suppress your differences. On the contrary, etiquette is what enables you to deal with them; it gives you a set of rules. On the floor of the Congress, you don’t say, “You’re a jerk and a crook”; you say, “I’m afraid the distinguished gentleman is mistaken about so and so.” Those are the things that enable you to settle your differences, to bring them out in the open. Everything else just starts battles.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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The hardest lesson — and this is what child-rearing and perhaps all of manners is about — is that there are other people in the world and you do have to take their feelings into consideration. It doesn’t mean you always have to yield to them, but it does mean that you have to know how to deal with them. A lot of people know that they want to be treated politely, but they don’t make that little leap and say, Well, the other person must feel that way, too.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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There are etiquette rules being spread all over the Internet. They often use new terms for old rudenesses. Flaming is insulting people. Spamming is trying to do business while other people are having a social time. Having spent a lifetime with people who tell me I must be old-fashioned to care about etiquette, I could, if I were not so polite, turn around and say, “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, you’re the one who is old-fashioned if you think that etiquette is old-fashioned — you obviously don’t spend time on the Internet.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, and a lot of people do in everyday life. But if you behave in a way that offends the people you’re trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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There are plenty of people who say, “We don’t care about etiquette, but we can’t stand the way so-and-so behaves, and we don’t want him around!” Etiquette doesn’t have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them because their behavior is unbearable.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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I always presume, because it helps me get up in the morning, that most people are people of goodwill and would like to restrain themselves from offending people if they knew what was offensive.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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A lot of men got upset at the feminist movement because they had all the toys and we wanted some.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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Another very common misconception about politeness is that it is martyrdom; that you have to let everybody else do whatever they want. People say to me, “Doesn’t etiquette all boil down to making other people feel comfortable?” No. there are times when you are going to have to upset people. There are times when you have to upset the whole society.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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Etiquette never works with people of ill will.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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People are always saying to me, “Don’t you want to go back in time?” To where? Prefeminism? Not very much, no.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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“Honesty” in social life is often used as a cover for rudeness. But there is quite a difference between being candid in what you’re talking about, and people voicing their insulting opinions under the name of honesty.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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Q. What is etiquette? And why is it so important?
A. It’s important because we can’t stand the way that other people treat us. Although we want the right to be able to behave in any way we want. Somehow a compromise is in order, if you want to live in communities. If you live on a mountaintop by yourself, it’s not necessary.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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Q. Is it ever acceptable to be rude?
A. No. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to let people walk all over you. Etiquette does not render you defenseless. If it did; even I wouldn’t subscribe to it. But rudeness in retaliation for rudeness just doubles the amount of rudeness in the world.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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There are many ways in which we’re become much more polite than Americans were historically. Blatant bigotry is no longer tolerated by this society. It exists, but people get into trouble for practicing it. The obligation to be considerate of others has spread to include groups that were excluded at many times.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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Miss Manners does not subscribe to the notion that merely being present and respectful, when someone else practices their religion, is tantamount to endorsing that religion.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Twitter (2011-12-29)
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It would be difficult for anyone with normal powers of observation to believe that there is a link between having money and behaving well.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Twitter (2022-01-16)
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