“Conversation is a minefield until you learn the conventions, Jane dear.”
“I’ll never learn all the rules,” muttered Jane.
“Yes, you will,” said Phryne. “Then you can bend them.”Kerry Greenwood (b. 1954) Australian author and lawyer
Phryne Fisher No. 13, The Castlemaine Murders, ch. 4 (2003)
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Quotations about:
etiquette
Note not all quotations have been tagged, so Search may find additional quotes on this topic.
Contrary to rumor, bridesmaids are not obliged to entertain in honor of the bride, nor to wear clothes that they cannot afford and that make them look stupid.
And no, the bride does not have a “right” to demand either one because it is “her day.” Any sensible person who hears someone speaking in an imperious tone of “her day” would be wise to consider that it therefore isn’t going to be anyone else’s day, and to leave her to enjoy it alone.Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1993-03-07)
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The only wedding custom with a pretense to long tradition and universality, that of public checking up on the consummation of the marriage, seems to have been dropped. Miss Manners can’t think why.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-04-11)
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On the idea that weddings have rigid and immutable rules, roles, and set pieces that must be adhered to. Collected in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 5 "Marriage (for Beginners)," "Weddings" (1983).
Eating grapes with a knife and fork is not what one would call refined. It is what one would call ludicrous.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1993-03-07)
(Source)
See also Miss Manners (1979).
You, sir, are an anarchist, and Miss Manners is frightened to have anything to do with you.
It is true that questioning the table manners of others is rude. But to overthrow the accepted conventions of society, on the flimsy grounds that you have found them silly, inefficient and discomforting, is a dangerous step toward destroying civilization.Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-04-11)
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Mocking people who make a huge fuss when correcting someone on how they are misusing their fork at the table.
Collected in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 3 "Basic Civilization," "Table Manners" (1983).
Etiquette never works with people of ill will.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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Another very common misconception about politeness is that it is martyrdom; that you have to let everybody else do whatever they want. People say to me, “Doesn’t etiquette all boil down to making other people feel comfortable?” No. there are times when you are going to have to upset people. There are times when you have to upset the whole society.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1997-03), “She Says: Miss Manners,” by Sandy Fernández, Ms magazine, Vol. 7, No. 5 (1997-03/04)
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Q. Is it ever acceptable to be rude?
A. No. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to let people walk all over you. Etiquette does not render you defenseless. If it did; even I wouldn’t subscribe to it. But rudeness in retaliation for rudeness just doubles the amount of rudeness in the world.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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Q. What is etiquette? And why is it so important?
A. It’s important because we can’t stand the way that other people treat us. Although we want the right to be able to behave in any way we want. Somehow a compromise is in order, if you want to live in communities. If you live on a mountaintop by yourself, it’s not necessary.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (2011-08), “Q and A with Miss Manners,” by Arcynta Ali Childs, Smithsonian magazine
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I always presume, because it helps me get up in the morning, that most people are people of goodwill and would like to restrain themselves from offending people if they knew what was offensive.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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There are plenty of people who say, “We don’t care about etiquette, but we can’t stand the way so-and-so behaves, and we don’t want him around!” Etiquette doesn’t have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them because their behavior is unbearable.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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You can deny all you want that there is etiquette, and a lot of people do in everyday life. But if you behave in a way that offends the people you’re trying to deal with, they will stop dealing with you.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Interview (1995-03-06) by Virginia Shea, “Miss Mannners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Internet Behavior,” Computerworld, Vol. 29, No. 10
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The etiquette of intimacy is very different from the etiquette of formality, but manners are not just something to show off to the outside world. If you offend the head waiter, you can always go to another restaurant. If you offend the person you live with, it’s very cumbersome to switch to a different family.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Essay (1996-03/04), Modern Maturity magazine
Home education should include not only the etiquette rules necessary to navigate life, but the underlying principles of manners. These include respect (such as addressing people as they wish to be addressed), fairness (granting others the privileges one claims for oneself) and congeniality (not using threats as an argument).
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (2015-03-01)
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This is often whittled down to "The underlying principles of manners -- respect, fairness, and congeniality."
Miss Manners is amazed at the number of otherwise gentle souls who turn nasty when they are driving. And they all suffer from the wonderful, ostrich-like delusion that they cannot be identified because they are safely inside their cars. It seems silly to her to have to say what good driving manners are. They are the same as the simplest, most obvious of non-driving manners, except that each person is surrounded by thousands of dollars of treacherous metal.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Miss Manners,” syndicated column (1981-03-29)
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Etiquette systems of one kind or another govern all social intercourse, formal and informal, which is why faulty ones are able to do so much damage. A system that denies the innate human need for dignity to specific categories of people, typically the poor and the enslaved, fosters incendiary resentment.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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Every day we have illustrated for us the paradox that it is the very people who violate and condemn the system of expected behavior codified in etiquette who are most outraged when it is violated by others.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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That it is expedient to kill a king, rather than wait for his natural demise, is something a populace can come to accept, perhaps to relish. That the people’s own customs and costumes are to be radically changed by edict, rather than being allowed to evolve haphazardly and linger sentimentally beyond their time, is not. Yet messing with the national etiquette is one of the great spoils of revolutionary success.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, Prologue (2003)
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The pejorative term “political correctness” was adapted to express disapproval of the enlargement of etiquette to cover all people, in spite of this being a principle to which all Americans claim to subscribe.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Star-Spangled Manners, ch. 1 (2003)
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever possible to be too polite?
GENTLE READER: When politeness is used to show up other people, it is reclassified as rudeness. Thus it is technically impossible to be too polite.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 13 “Tradition Moves Ahead” (1996)
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"Miss Manners's Parting Shot." Concluding words of the book.
To sacrifice the principles of manners, which require compassion and respect, and bat people over the head with their ignorance of etiquette rules they cannot be expected to know is both bad manners and poor etiquette. That social climbers and twits have misused etiquette throughout history should not be used as an argument for doing away with it.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners Rescues Civilization, ch. 1 “The Case Against Etiquette” (1996)
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Morals refine manners, as manners refine morals.
[Die Sittlichkeit verfeinert die Sitte, und die Sitte wiederum die Sittlichkeit.]
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830-1916) Austrian writer
Aphorisms [Aphorismen], No. 133 (1880) [tr. Wister (1883)]
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(Source (German)). Alternate translation:Morality refines customs and customs in turn refine morality.
[tr. Scrase/Mieder (1994)]
The challenge of manners is not so much to be nice to someone whose favor and/or person you covet (although more people need to be reminded of that necessity than one would suppose) as to be exposed to the bad manners of others without imitating them.
It is not rude to turn off your telephone by switching it on to an answering machine, which is cheaper and less disruptive than ripping it out of the wall. Those who are offended because they cannot always get through when they seek, at their own convenience, to barge in on people are suffering from a rude expectation.
The idea that people can behave naturally, without resorting to an artificial code tacitly agreed upon by their society, is as silly as the idea that they can communicate by a spoken language without commonly accepted semantic and grammatical rules.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
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One reason that the task of inventing manners is so difficult is that etiquette is folk custom, and people have emotional ties to the forms of their youth. That is why there is such hostility between generations in times of rapid change; their manners being different, each feels affronted by the other, taking even the most surface choices for challenges.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
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Like language, a code of manners can be used with more or less skill, for laudable or for evil purposes, to express a great variety of ideas and emotions. In itself, it carries no moral value, but ignorance in use of this tool is not a sign of virtue.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “Of Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
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The natural approach to human relations presumes that to know any person well enough is to love him, and that, therefore, the only human problem is a communication problem. It refuses to admit the possibility that people might be separated by basic, deeply held, genuinely irreconcilable differences — philosophical, political, or religious. Thus, the effort to trivialize etiquette as being a barrier to the happy mingling of souls, actually trivializes intellectual, emotional, and spiritual convictions by characterizing any difference between one person’s and another’s as no more than a simple misunderstanding, easily solved by frank exchanges or orchestrated “encounters.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “In the Quest for Equality, Civilization Itself Is Maligned” (1985)
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Originally published in The New Republic in 1984.
The charge is often made against etiquette that it is artificial. Yes, indeed, it is. Civilization is artificial. When people extoll the virtues of naturalness, honesty, informality, intimacy, and creativity — watch out. Honesty has come to mean the privilege of insulting you to your face without expecting redress, and creativity that it is wrong to interfere with a child who is destroying your possessions. It is apparently natural behavior to treat the sick, the disabled, and the bereaved with curiosity and distaste, but it is also highly uncivilized.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “In the Quest for Equality, Civilization Itself Is Maligned” (1985)
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Originally published in The New Republic in 1984.
The rationale that etiquette should be eschewed because it fosters inequality does not ring true in a society that openly admits to a feverish interest in the comparative status-conveying qualities of sneakers. Manners are available to all, for free.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Common Courtesy, “On Etiquette as Language, Weapon, Custom, and Craft” (1985)
(Source)
We may define all the essentials of politeness, but we cannot determine how and where they should be used; they depend on ordinary habits and customs, are connected with times and places, and are not the same in both sexes nor in different ranks of life; intelligence alone cannot find this out; politeness is acquired and perfected by imitation.
[L’on peut définir l’esprit de politesse, l’on ne peut en fixer la pratique: elle suit l’usage et les coutumes reçues; elle est attachée aux temps, aux lieux, aux personnes, et n’est point la même dans les deux sexes, ni dans les différentes conditions; l’esprit tout seul ne la fait pas deviner: il fait qu’on la suit par imitation, et que l’on s’y perfectionne.]Jean de La Bruyère (1645-1696) French essayist, moralist
The Characters [Les Caractères], ch. 5 “Of Society and Conversation [De la Société et de la Conversation],” § 32 (5.32) (1688) [tr. Van Laun (1885)]
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(Source (French)). Alternate translations:We may define Politeness, tho we can't tell where to fix it in practice. It observes received Uses and Customs, 'tis bound to times and places, and is not the same thing in the two Sexes, or in different conditions. Wit alone cannot attain it: 'tis acquired and compleated by Imitation.
[Bullord ed. (1696)]We may define Politeness, tho we can't tell where to fix it in Practice. It observes receiv'd Uses and Customs, is bound to Times and Places, and is nto the same thing in the two Sexes, or in different Conditions; Wit alone cannot attain it, 'tis acquir'd and brought to perfection by imitation.
[Curll ed. (1713)]It is possible to define the spirit of politeness, but not to lay down rules for its practice: it depends on custom and convention; it is related to periods and places and people, and it is not the same for the two sexes nor for various social conditions; one cannot attain it through intelligence alone, yet intelligence can enable one to imitate it, and to acquire perfection in it.
[tr. Stewart (1970)]
There is no known correct way to eat pistachio nuts. Nevertheless, they are delicious. The pistachio nut must therefore be Nature’s way of teaching us self-control. If so, it doesn’t work.
It is wrong to wear diamonds before dusk, except on one’s marriage rings. Before, after, and during breakfast, luncheon and dinner, it is vulgar to wear a mixture of colored precious stones. It is always a comfort to know that so many things one can’t afford to do anyway are vulgar.
Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around we use our fingers.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to eat potato chips?
GENTLE READER: With a knife and fork. A fruit knife and an oyster fork, to be specific. Good heavens, what is the world coming to? Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should I say when I am introduced to a homosexual “couple”?
GENTLE READER: “How do you do?” “How do you do?”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, ch. 3 “Basic Civilization” (1983)
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If you are required by society to be polite — of course it’s a voluntary system policed only by public opinion — you run into having to have equal respect for people who are not as rich and powerful as you. More than that, because of the concept of noblesse oblige, you are required to treat them even better. So etiquette is the greatest friend of the powerless; without it, might makes right.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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If you want to go off by yourself and be a hermit, you can do whatever you want. But if you want interaction with other people, then by definition you have to buy into the social contract and restrain some of your behavior some of the time.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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Teacup formality is a part of etiquette, but an infinitesimal part. How about fast-food informality? That is as much a part of etiquette as the teacup. It is all of our behavior and not simply the formal occasion behavior. And, in fact, the more informal the circumstances, usually the more you need etiquette.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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Etiquette is about all of human social behavior. Behavior is regulated by law when etiquette breaks down or when the stakes are high — violations of life, limb, property, and so on. Barring that, etiquette is a little social contract we make that we well restrain some of our more provocative impulses in return for living more or less harmoniously in a community.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
“Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy (1884-1949) American humorist, satirist, literary critic
How to Be a Hermit, “A Few Hints on Etiquette” (1929)
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Etiquette is a set of rules people use so they can be rude to each other in public.
And when thou hast blowne thy nose, use not to open thy handkercheif, to glare uppon thy snot, as if yu hadst pearles and rubies fallen from thy braynes.
[Non si vuole anco, soffiato che tu ti sarai il naso, aprire il moccichino e guatarvi entro, come se perle o rubini ti dovessero esser discesi dal cielabro.]
Giovanni della Casa (1503-1556) Florentine poet, author, diplomat, bishop
Galateo: Or, A Treatise on Politeness and Delicacy of Manners [Il Galateo overo de’ costumi], ch. 3 (1558) [tr. Peterson (1576)]
(Source (Italian)). Alternate translations:It is moreover extremely indecent [...], when you have blown your nose, to draw aside and examine the contents of your handkerchief; as if you expected pearls or rubies to distil from your brain.
[tr. Graves (1774)]And when you have blown your nose you should not open your handkerchief and look inside, as if pearls or rubies might have descended from your brain.
[tr. Einsenbichler/Bartlett (1986)]
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
“Politeness,” The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
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Originally published in the "Cynic's Word Book" column in the New York American (1906-03-16) and the "Devil's Dictionary" column in the San Francisco Wasp (1906-03-21).
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How about Easter? I suppose you have etiquette rules that apply to Easter Day?
GENTLE READER: Certainly, and when the Day of Judgment comes, Miss Manners will have etiquette rules to apply to that, as well.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Part 9 “Advanced Civilization,” “Play” (1983)
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It would be difficult for anyone with normal powers of observation to believe that there is a link between having money and behaving well.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
Twitter (2022-01-16)
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There are etiquette rules being spread all over the Internet. They often use new terms for old rudenesses. Flaming is insulting people. Spamming is trying to do business while other people are having a social time. Having spent a lifetime with people who tell me I must be old-fashioned to care about etiquette, I could, if I were not so polite, turn around and say, “Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, you’re the one who is old-fashioned if you think that etiquette is old-fashioned — you obviously don’t spend time on the Internet.”
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
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The other part of it is [the belief that] if we just totally opened our souls to one another, we would love one another and get along. This trivializes the fact that people have deep and legitimately-held differences. People think, mistakenly, that etiquette means you have to suppress your differences. On the contrary, etiquette is what enables you to deal with them; it gives you a set of rules. On the floor of the Congress, you don’t say, “You’re a jerk and a crook”; you say, “I’m afraid the distinguished gentleman is mistaken about so and so.” Those are the things that enable you to settle your differences, to bring them out in the open. Everything else just starts battles.
Judith Martin (b. 1938) American author, journalist, etiquette expert [a.k.a. Miss Manners]
In “Polite Company,” interview by Hara Estroff Marano, Psychology Today (1998-03)
(Source)
Queerly shaped pieces of flat silver, contrived for purposes known only to their designers, have no place on a well appointed table. So if you use one of these implements for a purpose not intended, it cannot be a breach of etiquette, since etiquette is founded on tradition, and has no rules concerning eccentricities.
Emily Post (1872-1960) American author, columnist [née Price]
Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usage, ch. 37 “Flat Silver” (1922; 1927 ed.)
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Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.
Emily Post (1872-1960) American author, columnist [née Price]
(Attributed)
Often cited to her famous Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home (1922), but not found in that work. Claimed as genuine by the Emily Post Institute.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Mark Twain (1835-1910) American writer [pseud. of Samuel Clemens]
Note (1898-07-04), Mark Twain’s Notebook, ch. 21 “In Vienna” (1935) [ed. Albert Bigelow Paine]
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While summering in Kaltenleutgeben, Austria.
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.