ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A Total Abstainer is one who abstains from everything, but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Quotations by:
Bierce, Ambrose
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
“Absurdity,” The Cynic’s Word Book (1906)
(Source)
Included in The Devil's Dictionary (1911).
In later versions, Bierce added:
2. The argument of an opponent. A belief in which one has not had the misfortune to be instructed.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and “intimate” when he is rich or famous.
ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money; who estimates the whole cost, and himself costs the whole estimate.
CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals — these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom — and of whom only — it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
“President,” The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
(Source)
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
“Responsibility,” The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
(Source)
There’s nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don’t know.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
(Attributed)
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
(Attributed)
One-sentence book review. First attributed to Bierce in 1923, but showing up in anonymous humor as early as 1899. See here for more information.
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men — were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
San Francisco News-Letter, “Town Crier” column (c. 1870)
The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it would in the long run be half the time right.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool:
Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool?Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
“There’s no free will,” says the philosopher;
“To hang is most unjust.”
“There is no free will,” assents the officer;
“We hang because we must.”Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it implies something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of our importance; whereas an injury presupposes some degree of consideration. “The black-guards!” said a traveler whom Sicilian brigands had released without ransom; “did they think me a person of no consequence?”
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
(Source)
In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, and in age beseech.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When the young die and the old live, nature’s machinery is working with the friction that we name grief.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Collected Works of Ambrose Bierce, Vol. 8, “Epigrams” (1911)
Full text.
Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Admiration” (1906)
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you don’t entertain.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Bigot” (1906)
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Bore” (1906)
CHRISTIAN, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Christian” (1906)
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them others.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Conservative” (1906)
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Corporation” (1911)
CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things the way they are, and not as they ought to be.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Cynic” (1906)
DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Debauchee” (1906)
DESTINY, n. A tyrant’s authority for crime, and a fool’s excuse for failure.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Destiny” (1906)
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one’s life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Diary” (1911)
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Diplomacy” (1906)
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Discussion” (1906)
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Distance” (1906)
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Education” (1906)
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Egotist” (1906)
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Famous” (1906)
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “History” (1906)
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book, “Impiety” (1906)
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Cynic’s Word Book (1906)
SAINT, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary (1911)
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Misfortune” (1911)
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Peace” (1911)
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Politics” (1911)
POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Positive” (1911)
(Source)
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Pray” (1911)
PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Predicatment” (1911)
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Prejudice” (1911)
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Quotation” (1911)
(Source)
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Radicalism” (1911)
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Rash” (1911)
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Reconsider” (1911)
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Referendum” (1911)
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Resolute” (1911)
REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Reverence” (1911)
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Rumor” (1911)
SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Scriptures” (1911)
SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one’s self and to nobody else.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Self-Evident” (1911)
SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Selfish” (1911)
In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American writer and journalist
The Devil’s Dictionary, “Trinity” (1911)